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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

EA behaviour or am I over sensitive?

60 replies

sarahlou75 · 23/02/2016 00:08

I'm a SM with a 5yr old DD. I split from XP when she was 18months. He has supervised access (long story). I had MH issues, depression and anxiety at the time.
Anyhow I met my new partner a year ago. He had been divorced and had a 9yr old DS. He was fun, great social life, an extrovert. It became serious quite quickly. He told me he loved me (still does every day). Asked me to marry him etc
All going well... Until he moved in, lost his job and has turned into an douche bag.
I have financial difficulties of my own and cannot afford to support him or his DS. He is doing nothing to find a job. I have updated his cv, spend hours trawling for jobs and applying online as I am better than him (apparently) at technology. He spends his time trawling Facebook, doing hobbies and eating.
We had a massive row before Xmas over his expectation that I should do all the housework (I work full time) because it isn't his mess!!!! I threw him out and now I regret letting him back in.
He took it on board and does more around the house. He blames his low mood but I think he feels the tasks are women's work. He talks down to me at times.
Example - caught a heavy cold off him over the weekend spent two days feeling terrible. Accused of being a drama queen, I had it worse than you etc etc. Lost my temper with him, told him I was not happy with his lack of support. Later that night he apologised and suggested we looked for wedding venues at the weekend!!
He can be incredibly sweet with DD but berates me for being too soft with her.
Having been burned badly last time I'm testing the waters. Am I being over sensitive or is my gut right and this relationship bad news and potentially EA?
Sorry this is so long!

OP posts:
BirthdayBetty · 23/02/2016 01:33

He sounds like a massive piss taking Cocklodger. He's not your responsibility, I wouldn't put up with him.

DoreenLethal · 23/02/2016 07:02

Yup, get this man out pronto.

Original poster
sarahlou75 · 23/02/2016 07:02

Thank you MNers I needed to hear that. Now I need to act on it. I realise I've been enabling his behaviour. That needs to stop and I need to work out how to get rid with the least upset to my DD.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 23/02/2016 09:17

How did you throw him out last time?

Anniegetyourgun · 23/02/2016 09:23

Good. I was just about to wade in and say "do not marry this man". But you aren't going to. Phew!

A cynic might remark on how he lost his job just after moving in with a woman with an income, and seems to think it's ok to stay that way. But you seem to be on top of that one as well.

Original poster
sarahlou75 · 23/02/2016 09:24

Massive row chucked him out of the front door. Wasn't planned and didn't have anything packed.

I don't want that to happen again, he's a big bloke and not above getting in my space. He's never physical but he can be intimidating. I get sooo angry and then I'm the irrational one, pushing him away. Have been accused by him of being violent!
I need to do this in a calm manner and without DD in the house. She doesn't need to see any of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahlou75 · 23/02/2016 09:30

Annie it has crossed my mind. More than once. I have a well paid job but a lot of debt due to EP walking away from joint debt Angry.
I'm tired, low in mood, generally worried. My expectation of the relationship isn't the reality. I guess I'm sad because he isn't the person he purported to be. He sees his put downs as jokes and I'm the one whose over sensitive.
And I thought I was, until I started reading MN.

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahlou75 · 23/02/2016 09:32

XP not EP!

OP posts:
Marchate · 23/02/2016 09:38

Actually, he doesn't see his put downs as jokes. That's one of their tactics to make you feel worse

DoreenLethal · 23/02/2016 09:41

Example - caught a heavy cold off him over the weekend spent two days feeling terrible. Accused of being a drama queen, I had it worse than you etc etc. Lost my temper with him, told him I was not happy with his lack of support.

I think you can use this as your catalyst. Don't get swayed with the dangling of weddings and so forth. If you cannot be ill in your own house then he needs to find somewhere else to live. Take no other answer other than 'you are right, I'll get my things'. Be that drama queen if you have to. Get new locks as soon as you can so he can't come back in. Be firm, it isn't working, no arguments just he needs to go. Have your mobile phone fully charged and call someone, inc the police, if he starts getting aggressive. Don't get into a spiral of arguments, just keep calm, say it isn't working, you can't have someone in your house that doesn't support you and he needs to go.

NickiFury · 23/02/2016 09:42

I think you will be astounded by how quickly this man will pick himself up and sort himself out, once you kick him out.

Original poster
sarahlou75 · 23/02/2016 09:46

He also bigs himself up all the time, tells me he's a better parent because his DS is older therefore he is more experienced. Needs constant praise for any domestic task completed. Storms off and goes to bed if he doesn't get his own way. Accuses me of sulking if I retreat from an arguement by not responding to jibes. Accuses me of being childish.
Interspersed with that is someone nice, funny, caring.
When I start to write it down like this I feel like such a fool. I admit I thought his behaviour was due to low mood from being out of work.

OP posts:
lamiashiro · 23/02/2016 09:47

You are dodging a bullet big time by getting rid now. He sounds appalling.

pinkyredrose · 23/02/2016 09:48

He's a total cocklodger. Give him till the end of the week maybe to find somewhere else. You wouldn't be 'making him homeless' he just needs to find somewhere else to live. I've rented for years, sometimes I've had to move as the tenancy ended, landlord wanted house back etc. I didn't bleat about being 'made homeless' I just found somewhere else.

Original poster
sarahlou75 · 23/02/2016 09:48

Cross post.
Doreen that might just work. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahlou75 · 23/02/2016 09:51

End of week would be possible as my DD is staying with GP's fri/sat.
As someone said up thread he has loads of friends. Surely someone would give him a sofa.
This is going to be a bolt out of the blue for him. He's really not taken on board how pissed off I am.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 23/02/2016 09:52

Good for you. Now you need to plan and think to ensure this split goes as smoothly as it can for you.

You can pack some of his stuff together and leave it with someone for him to collect. You need to protect yourself from him, not just physically but mentally too. Flowers

pinkyredrose · 23/02/2016 09:55

If he really doesn't have anywhere to go then he needs to present himself to the council and tell them he's homeless, they'll put him in emergency accommodation maybe. Wherever he goes is for him to worry about though not you.

You've tried living together and it isn't working. More than that it's actually become a dysfunctional relationship that is causing you distress. You need to put yourself first.

Original poster
sarahlou75 · 23/02/2016 09:56

Pissed off at him and at myself.
I'm 40, have a responsible job. I'm friendly, outgoing, have hobbies and some good friends.
I had a horrible time 2 years ago. I get back on feet find my confidence and then what do I do? Find another pillock!!! Angry
I don't think it's too much to want a partner to enjoy and share life with. And I think my loneliness played a part. What a mess.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 23/02/2016 09:58

OP are you worried he might get violent? Just the fact he said you're 'violent' makes me think he could be projecting. Have you got anyone that could come over for when he leaves just in case he kicks off?

Original poster
sarahlou75 · 23/02/2016 10:01

DD is another factor. I dont want a succession of bf's in her life. This is my first relationship since I split from her dad. She gets on well (mostly) with STBX and adores his DS.
But she's a smart cookie and knows I haven't been happy. Week before half term she pats me on the hand and says don't worry mummy if he doesn't behave himself we will go and get you a new daddy (what she calls partners) in the holidays. She call STBX by name btw.
Bucket of cold reality to face, I'm not exposing her to a dysfunctional relationship she deserves a happy mummy and a happy home.

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahlou75 · 23/02/2016 10:05

I don't know pinky. Sometimes he seems so irrationally angry over small things. He is I think a bit like a bully though. He didn't get violent last time he left. He got upset and pathetic because I wasn't reacting the way he wanted me too.
My parents live away and my BFF of many years has just dumped me. She has her own problems and can't deal with mine as well apparently. Which is funny as I thought we were supporting each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahlou75 · 23/02/2016 10:06

His version of me being violent is me pushing him away when he was invading my space.

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahlou75 · 23/02/2016 10:07

Invading my space in an arguement context. I don't randomly shove people away from me!

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 23/02/2016 10:21

Sad your daughter said that. She's picked up the atmosphere and heard him being abusive. If a small child can see that he doesn't 'behave himself' then you can too. Is there any way you can get him out sooner, today even?

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