Can such major differences be resolved/overcome?

[barmybird]

I'll try to be brief. Over a year ago I left my xh after I found out he had been having an affair. Me and our 3 yr old dd now live in a nice little house, she has contact with her daddy and we are quite settled.

I met some one probably about 6 months ago. At the time I was very honest and told him he was a complete experiment in that he was the opposite to the type of man I always go for and the type that always let me down. He is not career orientated, he doesn't work full time, he prefers to be around for his son who he has custody of, he doesn't drive and has lived in the same place all his life and has only ever been out of england once. Financially he struggles but he would give you his last penny if he felt it would help you. So whats the problem? I'm uneasy and I can't get the concerns out of my head. I know he would like to move in but my house really isn't big enough (its a small 2 bedroom). The only way I could afford a bigger house would be to move north. Thats not a huge problem as I have moved many times and have a job which pretty much means I can work anywhere. I just really don't want to move as it would uproot my dd again. He knows this but shows no intention of looking for a better paid job or increasing his hours. I worry about the fact that he seems to have no drive to achieve anything, does that sound awful? My work is very important to me and I always have a plan about were I want to be in the coming years. He has none.

We come from a very similar background in that we both grew up on rough estates I do understand were he's coming from but I just want more. He just seems to accept that life is as it is.

Saying that he is the kindest man I have ever met, generous to a fault and fantastic with my dd. I just keep turning things round and round in my head and all the time I dither my daughter and his son get more caught up in this. I guess my question is if I can't see a way forward do I end it now? at times I think I can accept and work within our differences but the nagging doubts keep coming back.

Any thoughts? or experiences?

Not sure really Barmy, as nice as he sounds, it can be easy to get resentful of some one in the future, if there are important differences in outlook, which would affect financial security or your future together.
But then, who is perfect, and what is without risk, sorry don't think I can help

is 6 months really long enough to be with someone as to whether you need to move around the country - i dont know really but if that bugs you about him now what if he will never change would you have up routed your dd for nothing

what about her dad will how will that affect them

No I'm not about to uproot dd after just 6 months, its just me needing to think ahead as he doesn't. WE do get on so well, but I am concerned that he is not trying to think ahead and put is in a better position to be together in the future if thats what we both decide we want. He has made it clear he wants to be with us so if I were him I would be looking for a better more stable job so that when/if the time came I could contribute to a new home for all of us. Instead he just seems to rub along spending what little spare money he has in the bookies.

i think you have probably summed up his priorities in your last sentence

Hmm, until the bit about the bookies I was going to be positive about the relationship! I left someone who I perceived to be a bit unambitious - didn't have a "career", was happy to make do on very little money, and wouldn't ever be able to provide for me financially for someone who I thought was more ambitious and interesting. There were other reasons too, but having found out that the ambitious person was incredibly self-centred and uncaring I now recognise that the unambitious ex (sorry, are you following this?!) had lots of really nice values and I think I only noticed in retrospect how much he cared about me and did nice things for me that perhaps I hadn't put enough value on.

You don't give any indications as to whether or not you've discussed these issues with him and what he said - I don't think you should make a decision based on what you think he should be doing without a discussion, as people have different values and this may just not have occured to him. How much of an issue is the bookies, because that would raise some concern with me?

Also, could you not afford a bigger place if his salary contributed to paying the rent/mortgage?

Dp and I are very very different and we have overcome it because we love each other very much and our differences mean that we balance each other out.

Dp is not at all money motivated whereas as much as I hate to admit it I am. I am very career driven and ambitious whereas he just sees his job as a means to an end, he has become more ambitious since meeting me and dd as he wants to provide a better standard of life for dd and he has dreams of emigrating which costs money. I am also a very social person, I love to be the centre of attention and love a drink or four and to go out dancing whereas he is very reserved and tee total. Politically we are very different but we do have the same fundamental values which binds us togther and we both come from very similar backgrounds and ahve in many ways become fish out of water - another experience that bonds us.

We went through a phase of ignoring our differences and that was a nightmare as we kept clashing whenever the differences reared there head. I also tried changing him to be more like myself and that made us resent each other. Over the past year we have recognised that we were attracted to each other becauase we were different, there isn't room in our house for two egos the size of mine and we are not competing with each other, as I did in my first marraige. He is (to quote a corny song) the wing beneath my wings and he is very happy doing that. To be honest dp is a much nicer person than I am and a betterparent to dd than I am, he has bought out the best in me and helped me become a much nicer person.I now am the happiest and most content I have ever been in my life and I know thata lot of thathappiness comes from the fact we are so different.

But I do think that 6 months is quite early to follow somone around the country especially when you have children.

I agree the bit about the bookies is a bit worrying.

Dp and I found it really useful to sit down and have a discussion about why we are the way we were, we both ahve strong but different personlaities which are very much a result of our upbrinigings and once we could understand why we are like we are it made everything so much easier. For exampe dp is not into his career because of the way his father crumbled after his army career ended so dp would much rather spend time at home with dd than climbing the greasy pole. Whereas I watched my mum live from hand t mouth because he had no career and qualification so as a result am very ambitious and fiercely independent.

The bookies isn't major. He is very sensible in that he sets himself a limit (a couple of quid only) and doesn't go beyond it. I can't put my finger on the issue, I think its more that all he wants out of life for himself is a litle job, not full time, a beer in the pub occasionally and a couple of quid to spend in the bookies. He is however very ambitious for his son and so wants him to do well.

Bekks what you're saying is what I am frightened of. He is so good in many ways I don't want to throw this away but equally I don't want to get more and more involved if it can't work in the long term. I can't see how we can afford a bigger place when he earns just above the minimum wage in a part time job

I have tried to talk to him, but he tells me not to worry, to relax and see what will happen.

I'm not about to move, it was just an example I suppose of how I need to think ahead for both us!

lol thatis whatdp says about everything, "just relaxand everything will be fine"

It is a hard one, as there are bills to be paid and if he doesn't want to step up to that responsibility as well as other differences between you a relationship will be diffficult.

That sounds like my ex as well, though actually we were fine in lots of ways, and, again in hindsight, as I am generally surrounded by lots of driven people, his sense of self and contentment were much higher than many / most other people's - I don't think I noticed that at the time, but actually it's pretty unusual to find someone who is happy in themselves. His ambition for his son is a good sign too. Maybe six months is too early yet - I'm presuming that there's no real urgency for a decision - but in time you will need to talk practicalities - maybe see how it goes and review again in another six months? You probably aren't going to change him (much), but it may be clearer in more time what you can and can't live with, and the right decision will probably emerge with time - it might be that it's just too early now.

Maybe I am worrying about all this to early, its just these nagging doubts keep coming back and in the past when I've ignored them in other relationships I have ended up in very difficult situations!

Its not just the money and house issue its the difference in what we seem to want out of life. But this is balanced by a relationship in which I am very happy. Why is life never easy!

I married my dh even though on the surface we don't have that much in commom. He has numerous hobbies that I just don't get and spends a lot of his money on collecting things which I just see as pointless. We tick along okay and now have kids so have more in common!! But my doubts about his obsessions never go away and have caused many an argument.

Shouldn't it more be I love this person so very much I couldn't bear not to be with him though... and if it isn't then he probably isn't right?

Also in my view it would never be right to move a child from her father by the way so don't move North unless her father lives there because I don't think you'd like her father to move her many miles from you with him.

I have similar issues with potential men all the time - what matters in terms of differences and what doesn't. I cancelled seeing someone this weekend because mulling it over the fact he isn't working was such a huge gulf and I don't want or need someone who has all the time in the world to see to my every need etc.

I would let it run it's course without making any decisions at the moment. If you have niggling doubts now, then they well may turn into bigger ones where you end up wanting to change him, which from my experience is the reason people break up usually. If it's meant to be, he will sort out these changes himself. Only my opinion, but good luck anyway

I can't just let it ride. I'm going to have to talk to him about this again. Once I've done that I can probably let things run for a while. He does however need to be aware that these are issues for me, if we are to have any chance together.

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He is lovely and I do admire him for putting his son first. Its one of the things that drew me to him. The fact that he is a good dad. So why am I whinging now??? maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I just worry about our differences and really don't want to hurt either of our children by continuing a relationship if its not going to work out in the long term.

The one thing I was thinkng about when reading this was what if the roles were reversed? Is some of it because (now I am not accusing you of anything here) that he is the man of the realtionship and part of you feels like he should be in the position to support you and you resent it being the other way out.
This relationship is a bit of a role reversal when you compare it to "the norm" you are very driven and career minded and he has a part-time?? job that sees him through.
I think you need to have a good think about what it is that you find so wrong with your situation why it makes you feel so uncomfortable. Until you have done that you cannot decide if you can overcome these differences.

it sounds like you are in a good place at the moment - i would stick with things as they are and not ask him to move in, but carry on seeing him.

I believe very very strongly in the gut instinct. I think yours is ringing alarm bells. It may be that in the future the bells will stop ringing, but until they do I wouldn't change anything major about your situation.

Thanks both. I have thought about the fact that if our roles were reversed it would be more of a 'normal' situation. I'm not particularly proud of myself for having these concerns, I always thought that I wasn't particularly materialistic, I guess I got that one wrong. I don't want him to support me I like the fact that I earn my own money. I would like a partnership and I think the issue is around that really, in that any pertnership will be different to what I am used to and that unnerves me.

I'll let things run and see how they develop- he is lovely!