how did your marriage survive babies? any advice appreciated

[Gemmitygem]

we have gorgeous 12 week old DS, but must say it's tough agreeing on how he's looked after etc, and I feel we've grown apart a bit. is this normal and how can you get round it?

Compromise, which in our case meant we did it my way

No, sorry, it is hard. I do sympathise, but tolerance of each other's view is really the key.

Some areas are easier to compromise on than others.

I think having your own interests, time away from each other and the baby is very important. Also time together without the baby - have you got any babysitters who would enable you and dh to go for dinner/lunch together?

Message withdrawn

From my own experience and that of rl friends I would say this is quite a normal (or more common than admitted) problem.

My dh and I really struggled. I thought my way was right and just didnt have time for anything else apart from new ds.

I dont think I have any real advice, we just got through it because we talked a lot and tried to make changes to make life better for each other. It is not easy and I would say it took us the best part of 9 months to feel like we were back on the same side again. It does get easier though.

Do you have some good parenting books? We made sure we read them together and agreed what we would do, obviously making changes to allow for ds's needs etc. I found it helped having an impartial third party giving advice from a book rather than advise from well meaning friends who just confused us more.

I hope it works out for you, it really does get better.

thanks ladies,

kezzag and others, are there any particular parenting/relationships books you would recommend?

My Dh thought I had been taken to one side on the maternity ward and given all the secrets to motherhood. So when I asked him to do anything he would say he didn't know how to do it. I found this very frustrating because I didn't think he was taking responsibility. I think it is best summed up by saying I had a baby and Dh's wife had a baby. We had plenty of arguments and there were times when I thought we would slit up but eventually he grew up (32 when 1st baby born)and we are still together 5 years and another baby later.

It is still very early days for you.

It's completely normal. Before I opened this thread I was guessing you must have a baby under about 3 months! dp and I really struggled to get through the first 3 months with both of ours - I think it's a case of being so sleep deprived, exhausted, emotionally, mentally, physically drained, it's all you can do to look after the baby and yourself - no chance, time or energy to devote to your dh/dp.

It gets better - hopefully very soon. Just keep going, try to be as understanding with each other as possible, giving each other breaks away from the baby/lie ins/any kind of small treat that means in a few weeks or months time you'll remember that you still love each other and exist as a couple! the hard thing about disagreements re: the baby is again that probably you're both too tired to have rational, reasonable discussions. No helpful answer to that except maybe have a conversation with your dh about how knackered you are/hard it is at the moment, and agree that when you disagree it's because of the how you're both feeling at the moment, not because you don't love each other any more.

And try if at all possible to get out of the house and away from baby for an evening if you can - works wonders!!!

Or even split up.

I found What to Expect in the First Year really helpful. We didnt take all the advice but it just seemed to be quite easy going and not advocating any particular methods, just common sense.

I also had a book by Yehudi Gordon which I really liked. Again, it didnt advocate anything radical but I just found it reasuring and common sense.

both helped us make decisions or do a sanity check during those first helpless few months! Also, I didnt have mumsnet then for any "am I being reasonable" dilemmas and that would have helped.

You could both make a list of possible areas that could cause areas for debate / disgreement and discuss them now beofre you encounter the problem. We had to do this when we did our ante natal classes and it was a really useful and interesting exercise. Topics were like views on punishment, views on eating (vegetarian or not), views on being nude in front of the baby / child, views on access to TV / computers, the role of grandparents, how often you should both be able to go out either together and on our own with mates, etc etc etc . It could go on and on. It really made us think about how we approached our life and our relationship once the baby arrived.

Gemmitygem, it's very hard with a new baby. We had lots of problems, a lot of them b/c each of us had definite ideas about what to do with the baby and didn't want to budge So, pick your battles wisely. If he changes a diaper differently than you, as long as it gets changed, just say thank you and don't criticize. Much easier said than done, especially if you have fallen into the habit of "my way or nothing". Also, just remember that you are both probably tired and overwhelmed and need to give yourselves a break. Maybe a nice night out without the lo. It's really great to have some time alone.

Well put pennies, that it what I was trying to get at too. We do that now and it works really well.