A disagreement I'll never "win"

[Frizzuk1986]

I met my now husband 12 years ago when we went to uni together. We were good friends for almost 2yrs before becoming an item and have been together ever since (married 3 years with a 2yr old dd)
The thing is I'm from the south and he's from the north and it's become a bit of a frustrating subject.

I'm sad that I am not closer to family and have few friends locally. His family are lovely but not particularly supportive emotionally or physically (don't really want to spend too much time with us or dd which is completely the opposite to my family)

We met at uni in the north and when we finished I decided to stay to be with him. I think I assumed that I had all those uni friends and I honestly didn't think he'd move south the be with me (first boyfriend and lacking self confidence but looking back I think I was right that he wouldn't have followed me)

Anyway all my uni friends ended moved back to their homes after we finished so it was just us in the area.
I felt low and isolated and dreamed of moving south. Within the first few years I always suggested it but he always said no and there was some excuse. I even researched costs to relocate but it was always a no, we've got jobs or were renting this home etc.

The longer we've been here the harder the idea is as we now own a home and dd is in a lovely nursery. It would be much much more expensive living near my parents but I'd love to be near them and my sister.
I ask every now and then as it is still at the forefront of my thoughts. Most recently the reason to not go was the house (not being able to afford to buy down there) and his job (he'd finally got a permanent one after over 5 years)
Well he ended up getting terminated from his contract (not his fault and it's a big mess but we can't do anything about it and I really feel awful for what he's gone through) He hasn't found any new work 4 months on and so it's not a reason anymore.
I dislike my job and with him struggling to find one himself my mind drifts to being close to my family for the support. Yes house prices are an issue (twice the cost of our house at least) and I'd like another child which would stretch finances further but whereas within 10 miles of where we live there are about 100 jobs that are in his ideal specialism (most he doesn't have the right experience for) there are over 700 near my family.

I feel stuck.... I love my husband and I'd never leave him to go closer to home as I'd feel worse if we split, but it's like my choices are I'm either sad being away from family or sadder if we split.
I know that means that I have to deal with being away from them but I wonder why he is ok for me to be sad, does he not think I've had to deal with it for 10 years and maybe it's his turn to take the plunge?

It's been a tough year with him losing his job and getting too close to a female colleague (we've moved past it I think) but I guess I feel like he should be jumping through hoops after what I've been through.

Do I just need to grow up and get over it, regardless of the fact that I miss them so much?
Its horrible saying goodbye to them when I see them and I dread mt parents getting older and not seeing them as much as I won't want my dad driving so far to visit (currently see them once every two months and my sister maybe 4 times a year)

There seems to be a lot of things that just happen to him that he doesn't take responsibility for. Its bad enough that there has been someone else involved but even worse that you had to find out instead if him telling you s

It is against the to complete a false reference, so if what he is saying is true then a lawyer s letter to the school should help

So what if he doesn't like teaching, he had spent time and money training for it and he isn't exactly in a position to pick and choose

I don't believe the reference was poor for the reasons he gave. He needs to take a long, hard look at his performance there and consider whether they had anything to complain about. He could always talk to his previous school and ask them what they're saying in their reference.

I would be pushing to move and I think you missed a huge opportunity when you found out about him sleeping with that woman. You should have stormed off and gone to live down south then.

If he was actually sorry about what happened with the OW then he wouldn't have exchanged messages with her about how lovely it was, would he?

Teaching is one of those jobs which both attracts and creates people who are convinced of their own infallibility ... not every teacher, obviously, but frankly you need to think you know it all in some way to convince others. I speak as an ex teacher with a teacher ex and teacher FIL!

Teaching is very stressful if you are a decent teacher and have to deal with a difficult class - if you are not able to control even an OK class it would be a nightmare, very bad for the health. I wouldn't blame anyone for giving it up. It does take a strong man to admit that he might not be cut out for it, though, and as I say teachers are often the kind of person who finds it hard to admit their failings.

How about you look round a bit, maybe apply for a couple of jobs down south which would pay better? If you get an offer it might make him think again. But not in secret ... as others have said, make it clear what you want. And don't tell him you will only move if he will...

Why do you believe nothing happened when they shared a bed? Just because he told you that (that's what they ALL say!) or was there actual reference in the correspondence you found between them to exactly what they had and hadn't done together? You're not happy, he's not making you happy, so you have to decide what to do to make yourself happier. Staying somewhere you don't like and swallowing his bullshit about spending the night with another woman probably isn't doing you any good. You can get a polygraph if it would actually help you make a decision.

Teaching really has destroyed him and has been awful for the family too as I took on as much as I could to relieve him of the stress he was going through.

Thanks for all the helpful comments. It helps me see that I'm not being unreasonable but that also there will be things playing on his mind that if he agrees we might never return.

I'll need to do a lot of sums as we could need less childcare if we moved (parents looked after nephew 4 days a week until he started school and now take him in hols. Plus my sister thinks they will take second child 1-2 days when she returns to work. It allowed her to return only 4 days a week after no 1 and she's hoping 3 days with number 2, whereas I work full time) but let's really think about it and at least I can put a proper argument forward and would expect him to do the same to warrant staying.

I trust what happened although I obviously was hurt by it.
There was reference in what I saw of her saying she had wanted it to go somewhere but it hadn't so I'm confident in that fact.
I do love him and don't envisage leaving him but need to get past this issue.
I'd always pick him over my family bit I wish he'd be prepared to do the same for me.

Your last post sums the issue up - you are prepared to put your relationship first, but he is not. So you have to fit in with what he wants if you want a relationship with him. (The OW thing, regardless if they had sex or not, suggests he's rather selfish and also confident that you won't leave him, that he believes your priority is keeping him happy and will 'take a lot'.)

I would start looking for a job near your parents, then leave with your DD, would they do childcare so you didn't have to worry about nursery to start with? Offer him a 'done deal' - this is the perfect time to move, you have a job offer near your parents, they will do childcare, you can rent out your house up north and rent something near your parents so "if it doesn't work out, we can move back easily", he has no job to keep him in the town you are current in, and most importantly, you are miserable, so your marriage isn't going to last if things don't improve.

I was going to suggest renting out your current home and renting a property to live in near your family, but honestly I think your marriage has much bigger issues. You are the one making all the sacrifices, and he still treats you like crap. Moving won't fix this alone.

As well as doing you good, and possibly your relationship, would it also maybe be good for him to have a change of scene?

Would the poor reference hang over him or could he maybe do a bit of supply to get the feel for the new area if he still wants to teach?

Would he ever be up for moving or does he want to spend the rest of his days where you are now?