Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Fed up of being a stay at home nanny, a full time cleaner, a full time chef....

42 replies

spillyobeans · 20/02/2016 16:54

Totally fed up of my husband at the moment and have been for Some time. We have been married for 5 years and up until the last 2 years he was not to bad, did his fair share at home as did i and we both worked full time.

We recently had a baby, 8 months old now and im just about to return from maternity leave, i will be going back to work 3 days a week. I feel like i do everything, where my husband does nothing apart from work. His argument seems to be that i dont have a 'real job' and that i earn less than him so that seems to let him off.

I cook his breakfast, dinner and make his packed lunch for work every day.
I do his washing.
I pick up all his stuff as he will literally leave it where it falls.
I clean the house (he has maybe done the dishes once)
I look after my son whilst he does nothing with him.

All this and working 3 days a week is going to be unbearable.

Anytime i have a go at him that he needs to pull his weight and im fed up he either says sorry and changes....for a day max or gives me the argument of that he earns more and until i get a 'real job' nothings going to change.

Im not necessarily very unhappy, but im not really happy in my mariage. All the above culminates in me not really wanting to have sex with him as why would i if i feel so worthless to him - which is causing a strain as he is constantly pestering me for sex. He also constantly gropes me and touches me with me pushing him away all the time.

I just dont know what to do

OP posts:

AntiqueSinger · 20/02/2016 18:15

If he earned a salary decent enough for you to have the choice of not working then I'd say stay at home, go to uni and carry on as you have.

But since his salary requires you to put in your effort at work too, he really hasn't got a leg to stand on in regards to refusing to help you with the household tasks. You simply MUST have some help if you do not want to end up burnt out, resentful and divorced. There is no such thing as doing it all. At least not doing it all well. Something will have to give. The sex already has. Tell him this. After all, is not alright for you to refuse to do paid work to help with the finances and put it all on his shoulders (although I would be tempted. See if he rises to it.) Double standards!

jelliebelly · 20/02/2016 18:17

What was he like before you had the baby? Have you always done everything? If you have then he is very unlikely to change now.

Mamaka · 20/02/2016 18:20

This situation seems to be quite common among other mums I know. The only guy I know who really pulls his weight and goes above and beyond is my bil who is a stay at home dad 3 days/week - and my dsis who works full time is the one who slacks a bit!! I think unfortunately it's human nature to always think you are the most tired and therefore the most entitled to rest. I would do as others have said - stop anything you do for him, focus on yourself and your ds. I've given up on doing laundry until absolutely necessary and sometimes it can sit in the machine for days before being hung out. Eventually my dh gets up and does it himself when he realises it's that or going commando. He hasn't complained either which makes me think I was being a bit of a martyr. Now things don't get done as often as they could/should but I'm more relaxed.

Original poster

spillyobeans · 20/02/2016 20:01

Yes sometimes it does feel like a battle of who is more tired/had a more stressful day

OP posts:

JapaneseSlipper · 20/02/2016 20:54

"Anytime i have a go at him that he needs to pull his weight and im fed up he either says sorry and changes....for a day max or gives me the argument of that he earns more "

He is fobbing you off with an argument you can never win. He earns more - will he always? Tell him you are not happy with the way things are, so you'll be taking steps to up your income. You might need to re-train, so he'll have to look after the baby for a year or three while that happens. Or does he not want that? Oh, could it be that he LIKES that you earn less? Interesting!

You have said you earn slightly less than him. Let's say you earn 90% of what he does. By his logic, you should be doing 10% more housework/childcare than he does. Not 100% more.

Ultimately, his stupid reasons don't mean shit. He will say whatever it takes to avoid doing this stuff. Force him to or leave him.

Mamaka · 21/02/2016 22:29

I've seen this piece of advice before, so thought I'd share but please feel free to ignore as I realise it is not ideal!! You said sometimes you have a go at him and he helps out for a day then it goes back to normal. On the day he helps out, reward him like you would a pet. Instigate sex that night. You could make it really blatant and say, you did such and such today so I feel less tired and have energy for sex. Then do it every time he does anything good around the house or with the baby. Basically you're training him. This idea makes me feel a little bit sick but just thought I'd share in case you were really desperate.

RudeElf · 21/02/2016 22:31

What the actual FUCK?? Reward him with sex like a good little doggy? This is 2016 and we have people advising women to have sex with their husbands to encourage them to be decent fucking human beings!!

Yeah i feel a lot sick.

wickedwaterwitch · 21/02/2016 22:44

Iiwy I'd get a full time job, work hard, get promoted and insist on being shown some respect and consideration at home. He sounds awful, I couldn't tolerate it.

Mamaka · 21/02/2016 22:51

Hahaha RudeElf I'm with you but I've definitely seen it advised on here before! Desperate measures and all that..

RudeElf · 21/02/2016 22:53

No. Just no.

JapaneseSlipper · 23/02/2016 20:24

"I've seen this piece of advice before, so thought I'd share but please feel free to ignore as I realise it is not ideal!! You said sometimes you have a go at him and he helps out for a day then it goes back to normal. On the day he helps out, reward him like you would a pet. Instigate sex that night. You could make it really blatant and say, you did such and such today so I feel less tired and have energy for sex. Then do it every time he does anything good around the house or with the baby. Basically you're training him."

Ok so we all know that this is wrong on a feminist level. But I also think that, unfortunately, you can't train people the same way you can with dogs. It's not a matter of thinking, "well, this is morally reprehensible but needs must..." It actually won't work. Doesn't work with children, doesn't work with adults. Dogs have an inherent desire to please, humans don't.

PennyDropt · 23/02/2016 21:08

You could point out to him that if you separated he would have DS at weekends to care for on his own.

I don't think this occurs to DH's like yours, they assume they will continue in the same vein of you doing everything.

You say he has a job with a low wage - is he bitter and twisted about this, if he hates his job he is prob more likely to feel entitled to spend his freetime doing what he pleases, is there likelihood of his job changing/ wage increasing?

Offred · 23/02/2016 21:23

Fucking hell, loads of massive screaming red flags all over this man.

On your way out of the door tell him he's right, women are not 'proper' people, wife work is not 'proper' work but you are leaving him because he sure as hell is not a proper man...

JolseBaby · 23/02/2016 21:26

The next time he pesters you for sex, say to him:

I don't want to have sex with you. I find lazy men a complete turn off. I am extremely tired after skivvying for you all day, because you seem to think that maternity leave has turned me into a domestic appliance. You seem to think that working full time makes you superior to me. You must be barking mad if you think that your attitude and your behaviour towards me makes me attracted to you.

Offred · 23/02/2016 21:30

Won't work.

A man like this doesn't feel their wife needs to feel attracted to him for him to 'get' sex from her...

It might annoy him because he won't like to be told that but it won't change his behaviour or the beliefs that have caused his despicable behaviour...

Literally the best you could hope for is a token effort designed to convince you he had changed which lasted a short while but it'd be far more likely to result in verbal abuse and sulking with a small risk of provoking him to escalate his sexual assaults IMO...

QuiteLikely5 · 23/02/2016 21:36

Tell him if he wants to be a husband and father then you require him to act like one.

The role does not begin and end with going to work.

Tell him you need a role model for your son and he certainly isn't a good one at the moment.

I'm not surprised you are miserable putting up with this day in day out.

Changing one nappy? Playing with his child for twenty minutes?!

I don't think so matey!

If you go to uni you can get lots of financial assistance for being a lone parent.

Stop being his slave/servant/nanny

You have got a choice

hellsbellsmelons · 24/02/2016 10:45

Look out the book 'Wifework'
I've seen it mentioned on here before.
Either read it then make him read it or read it together!

I honestly cannot imagine putting up with this.
It's just completely disrespectful. It really is that simple.
He has zero respect for you.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread