Dilemma I'm in wrong but angry with bil

[MusicMum18]

Hi
My bil is a loser. He stole 2000 pounds off my dh when he went to Oz and hid his card in his parents house whilst he was away for safekeeping. His bil spent 2000 pounds on alcohol and prostitutes. He is a waste of space and I don't make any bones about the fact that I don't like him. We went to a comedy club too for dhs birthday and he was high on drugs and shouted out racist comments to the comedian on stage. He is a total arse. Oh he was also thousands in debt which he managed to get written off. He's also taken out a loan in his wife's name and his dad my fil has bailed him out. Again. He doesn't learn.

I've just found out that he has facebooked messaged my dh asking him to lend him money for today. My dh and his brother are on a stag do. I'm on zero pay as I'm on last few months of maternity leave and the last thing he should be doing is asking my dh for money for a stag do. The thing is my dh is so kind, always puts his family first, and if I'm honest,will probably lend him the money.

However, I'm at fault because I only know about this Facebook message from my bil because I have been on my dhs facebook without my dhs permission. I closed my facebook as I was hacked, but my dh left his facebook page on and I saw his password and I've been going on his facebook account without his knowledge. Not to spy as I trust him, but just to have a nose on what our friends are doing, their baby pics etc.

I want to confront my dh and tell him I know about his brothers demands but he will then think I've been spying. Don't want his brother having our money. He's said he'd pay it back, but he won't. What should I do?

Katenka, like I said on an earlier post, I am prepared to tell dh that I've been on his facebook. I know I did wrong by snooping, but that's not really the point here.

The point is that I have a dd we have a joint bank account. My dh was also very hurt and upset a out his bro, they nearly had a fight at a wedding about it.

I said in an earlier text I was worried that he might lend his bro money and he replied 'I love you and wouldn't do that to you again'

Now I'm confused. Some people say I should trust him, not snoop etc. others say there's no way he hasn't lent his brother money in the last 10 years.

Should I confront? But even then I might or might not be told the truth.

He tells me that me and dd come first but how do I know he's not lending his bro money. He might think it's harmless as he'll get it back. But then he might not, and he might keep it from me.

Don'tcarehow.... See post I just wrote. I could tell him the truth, and am prepared to about my facebook snooping.

But that doesn't mean he will be honest with me. How would I know?

You said Yes I could tell him I was using his facebook but then I wouldn't be able to keep an eye on his brother. He worms back in and my dh is too nice sometimes. I don't trust people when I've been burnt.

Which to implies you won't tell him.

Your snooping is the problem. Because if he knew you used fb and you weren't doing it behind his back then you could have a normal conversation about it

You 'was on your FB again and your brother asked to borrow money. I am not happy or comfortable with this'

And go from there.

Also it's about being able to trust each other. You don't trust him and he shouldn't trust you not to snoop in his private things.

What I am saying is it's not the end of the world that you snooped. But have an open and honest conversation with your dh. Including you seeing the message, your worries and that you don't like how he acts when it's for his family.

That should say

Which to me implies

If you are that tight for money, surely you know where every £ is and therefore will know if the amount he has asked for is missing?

Er yes Doreen. We are not that tight, I just like to be carful. Plus I don't like lending money to people who just piss it up the wall and don't pay it back.

Plus it is possible for my dh to take out say £50 cash to give to half to brother then tell me he spent it £50 on stag do. No matter how much I track every penny, like you say, he can just draw cash out to give to him then say he spent it. I'd never know would I?

I know I was wrong snooping, but I'm a bit sad that so many posters seemed to think it was just me in the wrong rather than my bil. Doreen it's not just my responsibility to watch finances, they are shared.

As it happens I admitted last night to snooping on facebook. My dh said he'd never lend his brother money again and was quite disappointed that I'd been worried about it. I believe him because of his reaction.

I don't need to worry. I have a lovely dh and was just being paranoid. He'd always do right by me and dd. I think lack of sleep plus feeling full of cold Mae me fear the worst.

I don't think anyone said you BIL wasn't wrong.

But often why someone is snooping shows more. If your BIL posted I would tell him to stop asking to borrow money and he was a shit.

I also said your BIL was a twat in my first post.

Glad it's all sorted.

That's the problem with snooping, often it means you are reluctant to confront the issue. Glad you did and your dh did the right thing.

mn is up on its high horse ,op. if you had asked what to do as you thought your bil was sucking money from your household finances while you were on mat leave and how cd you find out the truth- mn wd be ordering you to check out phones , laptops, bank info etc etc. So stop flogging yourself,op. Mn has already done a good one on you. It sounds as if you think your dh is closer to his bro than you. Maybe go for counselling and see if this can be remedied.

Thanks amarmai you are right! I did feel yesterday that some people were getting a bit carried away, I felt like I needed to defend myself whereas nobody gave much attention to my bil other than to say yes he is a prat.

Sometimes on mm you can't do right for doing wrong!

Thanks for the advice x