Can I learn to trust again?

[PennyLaneisinmyearsandinmyeyes]

Back story; happily married (well I thought so) for 2 years then discovered my H had been on website for married people who want no commitment sex on the side. When I confronted him he told me 3 different versions....
He typed in site but didn't look
He was looking at profile of a woman his friend was seeing
He did it out of curiosity
I went mad at him & stayed at a friends for a few days but because one of my parents died during this time I kind of 'parked it'. He was very supportive in a practical sense, helping me arrange funeral and dealing with a tangled financial situation as I was executor of will.

Ten years later I feel like I can never recover from my lack of trust. It's come to a head recently as he changed jobs two years ago and found himself under a lot of stress. He withdrew from me physically & emotionally. I tried to communicate with him verbally & by writing letters expressing my unhappiness at the distance between us. His response was to say he'd change but it doesn't happen.

We have now reached a stage where we don't sleep together, he hasn't been on holiday with me for 8 years or even weekend away. He says he's too stressed. Consequently I go away with friends. We go out once a week so I suppose that's something. I still love him but in my mind I question every time he's away with work. Recently I found this stain on his shirt when he'd worked away. Looks like makeup to me or am I imagining it? He stays in a guest house where he can't be contacted due to poor signal. I hate being suspicious as I'm genuinely not like that normally

Hi I can't really tell what the stain is sorry :( it could be make up or wine or juice? Something like that? I just wanted you to know you're not alone. It's been a year since I found out my husband was looking at escorts and I've no trust left, you hope it gets easier, I don't think it does for me anyways.

From my experience when the trust has gone there is nothing left !

It's something I struggled with, with my sons dad we should of split 5 years into the relationship instead I held on for a total of 16 years for him to have cheated on me 3 times.

I was too scared to let go and within that time I wasted my youth and had so many regrets of what my life could of been like had we of split years ago!

Have you posted this before OP?

If you can't trust him then you shouldn't be together, you'll drive yourself mad wondering.

What do you love about him?
He has no redeeming features from what you have written.
Is that stain still on the fabric? If you want to know then a dry cleaners might be able to tell you what it is.
To me it looks like spilt red wine that someone has tried to get out.

No I have not posted about this before. Yeah I feel like I'm going mad

I think trust can be rebuilt if both parties work very hard at it and actively make changes to prove they can be trusted, o on is perfect and we all make mistakes and all that.

But 10 years of your life is a long time and if you are still doubting him and don't see that he is trying in anyway to help rebuild you emotionally or help you feel better than how is that leaving you?

I'm assuming full of anxiety, low self esteem and constant worry?

I'm with Angie11 here. When the trust has gone, that's it.

Sorry Janey that you've been through this. Thanks everyone who has answered. I dip in and out of worry/suspicion. Recent trigger is I phoned him up about something mundane & he quickly told me female work colleague was in car. Apparently he travels a long journey with her every week but he's never told me. I keep my suspicions to myself so I'm not someone who would fly off the handle or react if he'd told me. He always tells me about travelling with male colleagues and tells me about their conversations. He usually meets them in the office in the morning to travel with but with this femail colleague he goes quite a distance out of his way to pick up/ drop off at her home

For him to earn you trust again, he had to tell the truth. He didn't. He gave you 3 sets of lies to choose from.

You should not be learning to trust, he should be earning your trust.

That's a long time to carry this round with you.

Bullshit to not going away with you because he's stressed.

Really, why live like this?

You might learn to trust again, but not with this guy! You can't trust him as far as you can throw him. Everything you write about him screams that he's having an affair still/again. You shouldn't trust him. You are not the problem in this relationship, his behaviour is the problem - if he's not having an affair he is though he's doing a bloody good impression of someone having one.

Hi Penny, what are you getting out of this relationship, apart from the virtual security blanket if being able to say you are in a relationship?
Take a long hard look at your situation. You have tried talking to him and writing to him with no change in his behaviour. You think he may be cheating and you don't trust him.No physical or emotional support. You don't sleep together.You go out once a week, whoop! Not very compelling reasons for carrying on together.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve a better relationship than this. Good luck x

I work with a bloke who could be your OH.

Doesn't mention female colleagues but talks about male ones...tick (if she asks will say he knew how she'd react)
Stays in a 'guest house' with poor mobile signal...tick (can't be contacted so doesn't need to worry about phone calls)
Doesn't go away with his partner anymore....tick (can do what he wants without having to worry about being caught out)

I'm surprised there are still 'guest houses' without a mobile signal, bet it has no wifi either. That to me would be a red flag straightaway. I'd call the guest house and ask about their poor signal(and check he actually stays there). Do you see any bills? Or do 'work pay for it'

If he gave a toss he'd find somewhere he could get a signal.

I think the trust went a long time ago and he seems to have made no effort to earn it back