Feel torn between loving my dh to bits and how many more times is he going to abus my trust.

[longwaytogotobethlehem]

Dh has had addiction probs to over counter/ prescription drugs quite a few times over the last 15 years, every time I have found out we have worked through it, I have helped him, attended gp appointments got him clean again, only for a few years down the line to go through it all again.

18 moths ago he had an affair and we worked through that too. I had him back and life was grand. He told me constantly that it was me and the dc that he wanted that he loved me etc etc.

Then I guess a few months ago it felt like we had slipped into pre-affair behaviour again. He became depressed and was signed off on the sick and tbh we found each other again, did things that we haven't been able to do together for months.

Then thurs before christmas he was sat next to me on settee and had a fit, which i and dd1 saw it was awful. He was taken to hospital and i asked have you taken anything? answer - no.

obviously i make staff aware of previous probs as he had dislocated both shoulders and fractured his left one, has had ongoing shoulder problems for a long time. . Was assured he would be given neither tramadol or codiene, i go to visit him and find he has been given both. I have argument with doctors etc about him having them.

We get to gp on wed to get sick note, ask about driving, see wht pain killers he could have only for gp to say you had a script for tramadol just before christmas. I go mad ask him what going on and he insists he only been taking prescribed amounts, so we leave surgery with no pain killers as he apparantly has some.

On way home he says he not got any as he has taken them all. He has been taken them all over a period of i guess 1-2 weeks then going cold turkey until his next script is due.

I had no idea he had been taken them full stop apart from the fact that he has changed so much in the last few months again.

He now says he doesn't know if he loves me, doesn't know if its family life that he wants anymore.

his db was here until yesterday and he decided to go home with them to his parents.

I don't know if I can live life like this any more. I love him more than anything but how many times can he break my heart and how do i trust him when he abuses that trust time and time again.

I know mentally he is not well at all atm but he does need to start taking some responsibility for himself.

I feel like his mother and i want a dh not a 5th child.

Sorry this is long and i guess i know there's nothing you can say but at least its all down. I think.

Oh you poor thing. Addiction is a terrible, nasty illness. Has he been to rehab, or would he be willing to consider it? He needs a long term solution to a long term problem. Also, what support do you get?

I think he needs psychi help tbh. His head is so screwed up, in the last 12 moths he has revealed that he was sexually abused as a young boy/teen and i think this has been contributary to a lot of things over the years. Now it is all out in the open he needs help but his problems are so deep that I don't know what to do for him anymore.

I've got a few good people off here and rl that i can speak to. We are involved in church so have some good people there too, but sometimes it just helps to write it all down.

I am just torn between feeling this is it there's no way back to I desperatly want my dh to be well and then make decisions about what he wants out of life. Atm he is so screwed up I really don't think he knows what he wants but there is only so many times you can deal with this and now that the older two are 14 and 12 you can't hide things from them, I can't say he's gone away on a course and get away with it anymore.

The reality is he has gone and who knows what he will decide, he has to come back for wed for gp app, and just had physio letter so he is going to have to arrange that too.

His parents are 150 miles away so its not going to be possible to stay there and keep app etc.