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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I put my needs first or my friends?

48 replies

Malefriendproblem · 19/02/2016 10:01

Long story so please bear with me. A little while after I divorced 15 years ago I became friends with a man and we started a friends with benefit relationship which was what we both wanted at the time. Over the course of the next few years my feelings deepened and his didn't. Tbf to him, he was always honest about not wanting more.

Over the last 15 years, I tried on numerous occasions to go NC but we always got back together. Two years ago, I finally found the strength to stop the benefit but we have remained friends and although we do not see each other much now, we do speak/text every other day and I do consider him to be one of my two best friends. This may be relevant as they are the only two friends I have.

For the last couple of weeks he has been distant so I have badgered him to find out what is up. It transpires that he has been seeing a lady who he feels he could have a proper relationship with (He would agree that he has been a player and had numerous 'lady friends' over the years) but this one is different. He has been honest with her about me and she is upset with him as he refuses to drop me as a friend. I don't think it helps that the community they are in is a small one so she may have heard rumours of his players reputation which could cause her not to trust him too.

I have just spoken to him and he is really down as he doesn't want to lose her but doesn't like her dictating to him who to be friends with either. I offered to meet her to put her mind at rest but he says that he offered that idea to her but she is refusing to meet me.

If I am being totally honest, I do still have feelings for him and the meeting would be difficult for me but I do understand that there will never be a proper relationship between us. I am really shy, am lacking in confidence and find it difficult to make friends. I have tried to move on from him in the last two years and have had one short term romance but didn't pursue it as I was always comparing him in my mind to my friend.

So, do I make the decision and tell him that I will go NC with him to make his life easier or should I be selfish and want to keep him in my life? A part of me thinks the NC would be beneficial for me long term as I will probably never move on with my life with him around but if I go NC I will be heartbroken. I'm so confused, please advise.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 19/02/2016 15:26

Being persuasive and not respecting you need NC to move on are not the actions of a true friend. Someone who has your best interests at heart would want you to move on, find reciprocated love, be happy. What he is doing with his persuasions is trying to stop an option disappearing for himself. It's an ego boost for him to have you hanging on.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 19/02/2016 15:31

You will never move on emotionally if you keep him in your life. You're wasting your life pining for a man who will never want you like that. 4 months no contact is no time, it needs to be 9-12 months at the very least.
If he keeps messaging you when you have spelt it out that hearing from him hurts then he is not at all a nice person.

Original poster

Malefriendproblem · 19/02/2016 15:43

When I offered to go NC earlier, I told him it was for his benefit as I did not want to cause problems with his new relationship. The reason I said that is that I have not spoken to him about my feelings in the last two years and always played it cool and told him I was happy just being friends.

If I tell him now that the reason for NC is due to how I feel, I am concerned that he will think I'm doing the pick-me dance and boost his ego even more so do not want to do that.

I will just have to be resiliant.

OP posts:

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 19/02/2016 15:43

So just block and delete

sonjadog · 19/02/2016 16:04

Why don't you focus on you and what is best for you and let him take care of himself? Don't go NC for him, do it for you. The pick-me dance? Let him think what he thinks because it doesn't really matter - you are doing what is right for you. You are behaving like his feelings are worth more than yours. They aren't.

SirisSister · 24/02/2016 21:58

It transpires that he has been seeing a lady who he feels he could have a proper relationship with

This is horrible. It's borderline emotional abuse. you should go no contact.

how did he reveal this to you? what did he say about why he feels he could have a relationship with her but not you? did he tell you how/why she is 'better'?

SoThatHappened · 24/02/2016 22:41

Mine did this to me.....told me i've met someone cant mess around now.

he actually told me gleefully how many dates they had had. He had been lying about the level of our involvement.

Couldnt he just lie to me and make up an excuse to not see me? He didnt ever tell me what was wrong with me either.

lancomeonpaws · 25/02/2016 00:51

OP, I wonder if you're thinking the fact that he refuses to cut contact with you indicates he secretly has feelings for you?

He sounds like an unpleasant piece of work who likes to play women off against each other and you're buying into his drama.

I think texting can sometimes give a skewed view of interactions - you "think" you're close because you exchange messages every day but it's all BS really - I once read texting was viewed as a very "low investment way to keep someone you don't actually fancy but want to keep as back up" on a string and I think that's probably true here.

how many times will he think about arranging things for your emotional welfare or happiness? Sacrificing time and his convenience for you? That's what friends do for each other.

Ginkypig · 25/02/2016 01:07

Forget about her. Forget about him.

You have and are putting your life on hold for somthing that he has already told you will never happen.

While he is in your life even just as a friend no other man will ever be able to form a relationship with you because they can not compete with the man in your head (and on your phone).

This man in your head doesn't exist the real man has blatantly told you he doesn't want you but still kept you as his cheerleader while he went off and built a life for himself!

Put yourself first for once and get that new life you deserve! You'll never be able to do it while you hang on the the dream of the man you want him to be.

lavenderhoney · 25/02/2016 05:22

he can't have his cake and eat it. He shouldn't have told his new gf he had a friend he used to sleep with. He could have introduced you nicely as a long term friend and left all the baggage in the past where it belongs.

So, he did it to fuck up then, What did he think would happen? If he's such a player then he must be cleverer than this as I expect it's a common problem for lotharios in a small community.

And where does that leave you? He knew you had feelings for him and if he liked you he would have left you alone, encouraged you in dating others. Instead he's busy stroking his ego and still messing with your head.

He's not off with your other friend is he? Tell them, ask them to help you come up with a plan to get busy and ignore him. Don't ask him to go NC, his issues and his gf issues are no concern of yours and by going NC you are putting yourself first which you should do- why on earth put this mans feelings and new gf before you?

Original poster

Malefriendproblem · 25/02/2016 13:15

Lavender - He told me was that his girlfriend had 'heard' about me and so asked him. He refused to tell me what he replied to her but said that she was not happy with our friendship and would prefer him not to contact me.

He told her that he was unwilling to stop our friendship. The question I can't get my head around is why did he tell me this? If our friendship was not going to change then he could have just said he had a girlfriend but why would I need to know about her feelings about me?

He spent the weekend trying to get me to change my mind about going NC but I have stuck to my guns and not answered the phone to him. in answer to a pp, I do keep thinking that because he doesn't want to let our friendship go then he must have some feelings for me but deep down I know I'm only kidding myself.

OP posts:

SoThatHappened · 25/02/2016 13:30

OP all you have to do is sit back and leave it and not cause yourself any angst.

His new relationship is what should be in the honeymoon stage. But his new gf is already having the jitters over and old FWB of his.

He didnt actually tell her about you, she found out. So he has already been dishonest with her and she caught him.

I predict that they wont last long and you may have him back sooner than you think. if that is what you want.

Original poster

Malefriendproblem · 25/02/2016 13:39

I think that's why he's so reluctant to let go of our friendship as his new gf has cottoned on to him. Well done her and if I met her I would want to shake her hand for making me kick him into touch :)

I hope he ends up a lonely old man!

OP posts:

lancomeonpaws · 25/02/2016 13:40

stay strong op, post here if you get the urge to talk to him!

Some people (I won't say men because it can be either) get off on the attention, not the person themselves.

Also, although you "see" yourself as the loner, I actually think this guy is scared of being alone himself and is manipulating the situation so he always "has a back up"? I don't think he actively "wants" your company, he just wants not to be with no-one if the new relationship doesn't pan out.

He's not the only one so don't take it personally, I actually got an unsolicited message over Valentines Day from an ex which I didn't reply to? and I bet he sent similar texts to EVERYONE he thought was "in his social circle and vaguely attractive". We haven't been in touch for 6 months or so

I think some men like to see themselves as "players" with all these women chasing after them, with all these women "at their beck and call desperate for commitment" when most discerning women aren't actually taking them that seriously! You going NC will ruin his delusion for him.

Also, are you doing stuff to meet new people? Being socially reliant on two people makes you too "inside your head". I don't mean turn into a party gal if you're not, but getting out a bit more might help you feel more emotionally independent.

lancomeonpaws · 25/02/2016 13:46

Incidentally, get prepared for him to use tactics to "hoover" you back in.

He'll start having a crisis. Or the new GF won't understand him, and you're the only one who can do that so he "needs" you. Or he'll try and feel out if you're in a vulnerable situation so he can play Mr Caring?

(my ex sent me a reference to something I mentioned I wanted to go to but he couldn't be arsed to go to when he were actually dating? It's all a game to stir up emotions and blur the picture so you lose your judgement of what emotionally works for YOU)

Original poster

Malefriendproblem · 25/02/2016 13:47

Thanks Ian. My other real friend has been wonderful, is pulling out all the stops and has arranged for us to go out in the next few weeks.

OP posts:

cornwallandson · 25/02/2016 13:49

It sounds like this chap is holding all the cards here & I think he's being vey unfair to you. You will never move on if he keeps you as his "other option" and he's made it clear that he's not interested in a serious relationship with you.
For your sanity move on from him - don't ask - just do it.

Original poster

Malefriendproblem · 25/02/2016 13:52

Loving you 'hoover' reference. Looking back I can see he has used this tactic on my previous NC attempts. I will be on the lookout for it now.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 25/02/2016 13:52

If you don't bin him completely I guarantee he will bin you very soon!

He said this woman is completely different - that means he's probably hooked on her, which means you have had it as she will be fulfilling all of his needs now.

You said he had gone quiet, of course he did!

Time to grow a pair where he is concerned because believe me men thinks with their d£&ks

HortonWho · 25/02/2016 14:01

Just text him - look, I thought about it and I think not only is your girlfriend is right, but if I was in your situation (which I eventually will be), I would probably cool down our friendship anyway. So may as well do so now.

No need to talk about your feelings for him

SoThatHappened · 25/02/2016 14:01

This is very good advice! That I needed to hear too.

I am lonely, yes, but I can function by myself, very well infact.

My old FWB was the same. One of the first things he told me was he doesn't like being single. As soon as one relationship ends, he is straight out for another and he sleeps around between them. He is the needy and pathetic one. He cannot be by himself which means there is something sadly lacking within himself. He cant be alone, he needs a fan club.

Now which one of us is more pathetic.

SoThatHappened · 25/02/2016 14:05

also you may not want him to hoover you back.....but be prepared to feel worse if he actually doesnt.

He may not.

You might actually have a relapse when you discover he really didnt care.

lavenderhoney · 25/02/2016 18:30

He might not " not care" he might have some respect for op and leave her alone. I doubt it though. I expect he's been pissing about for years and slowly all his FWB/ best gf have fucked off.

Ignore him and his panic/ dragging you into his new relationship bullshit and go OUT and meet people, have a few dinner parties, get busy and ignore his desire for you to stroke his ego. He needs to feel he can pop round yours with a bottle of wine and expect you to drop everything including your knickers. Maybe.

Stop playing. You can't lose, if you won't play.

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