do families develop a "style" of relating to each other? does your dh's family style drive you a bit nuts?

[hatwoman]

just got back from fils. dd1 is a sensitive soul and she had a really miserable time. everyone else put it down to her being over-tired and, I suspect, they think her a bit precious/spoilt. I actually think it was the atmosphere. dh, sils and fil are very direct people, they argue/debate quite aggressively. they are quick to sound cross, they don't shrug their shoulders and let things lie. It sometimes bugs and stresses me - and I'm a grown up. I, (and dd with me), on the other hand, very much like a quiet life. my family are the opposite end of the spectrum - we're so "nice" that it can drive you up the wall too. "are you sure it's ok to open a new tub of margarine...?" etc etc. It just got me thinking about whether a family develops a way of relating to each other, and when they get together revert to it. and whether it has a lot to do with the old ils/christmas stress.

dh's family are not really close at all and it bugs the crap out of me. he never sees his sister and if he talks to her it's because i tell him to phone her. i do most of the e-mails to his parents and we see them maybe twice a year.
i see my parents every week and talk to them all the time.

they get on as well, just don't bother talking to each other much.

The more time I spend with my IL's the more I understand my dh?!!!

Have you ever seen that sketch of Blackadder, where he has his puritan aunt and uncle in one room, and a beer drinking and false-breast-wearing competition in the other room, and he can't let them find out aboput each other?

That was Boxing Day 2004.

I am never doing it again. I didn't do it this year, I didn't do it last year, and I would rather flambe my earlobes in goose fat than ever do it again.

I have this, but not to the same extent at all and it doesn't make me uncomfortable. DH's family are very direct - e.g. his mum will ask me (or anyone) to dry dishes, would tell us we need to be up at 8am as they're going out etc - they live their life, and if we're there, they expect us to fit round them. My family are very much "are you sure you don't mind if I...?" and my mum wouldn't dream of demanding help from others (apart from my dad!!). If my DH does her a 'favour' she is eternally grateful. I don't really mind either, but sometimes I find my family a little bit overwhelming - in a good way!!
colditz - any invitations open for next Boxing Day?

Colditz,you have made me feel that my MIL isn't quite as bad after all.

Your version of Boxing Day sounds more fun than my MIL's stay though.

Hatwoman
Your family sound like my dh's and your dh's sound like mine. Mine are definitely madder and more stressful but I do find his pretty infuriating as nothing is said directly and I dont have the patience for it. I think you are right that families do develop a way of relating and that a lot of the Christmas stress is related to people coping with this (whether in their own families or with other people's)

The fact is alsao that the way some families relate suit some of the members more than others. My sisters and I and my father say it like it is and can often ofend as a result, my mother on the other hnad always tries to keep the peace and hates shouting. Unfortunately for her she ws outnumbered - She'd have been happier in a household like dh's I think.

that sounds very much like our 2 families hat. that's not to say we don't all get on with each other (though this xmas day dp developed strange vomitting when we were at my parents so sat in a chair not speaking & i'm sure they thought he was sulking. anyway....), but there are pretty big differences in style.

dp knows that i get a bit exhausted by spending too much time with his lot, though we see them a lot! i am allowed to escape sometimes .

Yes, in my family we are quite 'direct'. We tend to say what we think and we are not quiet people (not rowdy but not shy and sensitive). We often have debates when we get together and they can get heated - they can be about politics, current affairs or anything - once it was about the universe and where space ended!! Those kind of debates are usually at night though after a big dinner and a few drinks!

Dh's family don't really talk about anything 'important' iyswim. Plus, they don't say what they think to each other so they 'pussy foot' around. Even down to things like saying you like what someone has bought - if it was my mum or brother I'd say if I didn't like it. Not liking it is just not option with the ILs - you have to be polite and nicey nicey. It all seems so superficial and 'unreal' to me if you aren't saying what you think. You can say what you think tactfully can't you!

maybe opposites do attract! My family is the shouty but can have lots of fun together (and drink alot ) kind but DH's are more the polite but never actually say anything to each other kind. I find it very wearing but I guess DH finds it hard work with my familt too!

This is what I don't like about Christmas - all this enforced jollity and "happy families"

Yes, yes to op.

dh's family just talk far too much and they talk over each other the whole time and that drives me nuts. His dad in particular never gets to finish a bloody sentence without a woman talking over him (woman-dominated family). And they usually natter inanities. I get a bit on edge.

However, my family don't talk enough. Non-communicators par excellence. And that grates even more, I think.

these responses very reassuring! I do find it interesting to compare our families like this - and to speculate as to the reasons - both mine and dh's families are totally middle class but I do think some of the difference of approach comes down to social differences - my side are northern business men - got their hands dirty, gps built their own businesses. Our main topic of conversation is people. (Mrs so and so, do you rememnber her...etc etc) His side are a mix of southerners and Scotts with degrees stretching back several generations. They do the bigger picture conversations (shouting matches). Interesting what Pablo says about Christmas present. I wouldn;t dream of telling someone I didn;t like a present - it's rude isn't it? but dh's lot would - they would just come straight out and ask if they could change it. I think what it is is extending the same rules of etiquette to your immediate family as you would to others - is that superficial or respectful?

No I didnt' mean presents. I mean if my Mum went shopping and she'd bought a few clothes for herself, I could comfortably say 'hmmm, not sure about that, I wouldn't pick it' or whatever.

In dh's family in the same scenario you have to say 'ooooh, that's lovely' even if you think it's hideous and I find that hard. The thing is, my MIL being the way she is, if I say 'oh yes, that's nice' she'll be out the next day buying me one!! Eeek!

I'm getting better at it though - was at SILs earlier last year (nearly said this year!!) adn she was buying birthday presents for her dh. She took me to Argos with her because she wanted to choose one of those God awful rings with 'DAD' on it from her dd . She was looking at them all and asking what I though and in the end I just had to say 'well, I think they are all hideous but that's just not my taste, if you like it buy it'.

They always buy jewellery from Argos - what can I say!?!?!

If someone bought me a gift I'd be appreciative, I would not be rude!! I'm talking about things people choose for themselves on a shopping trip or if they decorate. In our family we'd say we weren't sure about it if that's what we thought but for the ILs you have to love everything they pick (which is super tough cos they have shit taste )

Oh god, yes! DP is one of 5 siblings and they all talk loudly and frequently over the top of each other. To them this is perfectly normal behaviour but I found it difficult at first - until I realised that it's just what they do and it's all about them, not about me! I have pointed out to DP that he has a tendency to talk at volume even when he's not with his family, and that it does help to let other people finish their own sentences! Conversation tends to be organised around activity and things (who is doing what or has got what - they are quite a competitive bunch and probably have been since childhood) and there are lots of unspoken things that lurk beneath the surface.

Much more difficult to see my own family patterns, as I'm on the inside, not the outside, of the pattern, and they are familiar and comfortable to me... but also know that they would grate on those for whom they are 'different'. Conversations tend to be much more about relationships and people but there are still subjects that lurk beneath the surface and never get aired!

well, Pablo, I guess my dh's family trumps yours in directness then! to be fair, they're possibly not quite so bad as i make out. but they do sometimes ride a bit rough-shod over what I think as normal polite behaviour. heigh ho.

Dh's family are very polite (would you like... can I offer you another slice...) yet talk over each other, several conversations going on at the same time driving me distracted. They only do small talk about what they and their acquaintances have been up to. Not really into wit - an earthier sense of humour somehow combined with a refusal to swear at all, ever. Kind of banana skin humour.

My family are less polite yet will listen to each other rather than talk over other people in the room (we'll jostle for the right to speak, instead). We discuss politics, life, the universe and everything and enjoy wit and competitive conversation - topping the extreme silliness of the last person to speak. And swear freely. So spending time with dh's family is more of an effort because I don't naturally fall into their way of doing things.