How do I tell dh just how seriously bad things are?

[nearlythree]

I don't want to leave but I can't carry on like we are. I've tried telling him how unhappy I am but he just keeps on doing the same things. We've been together 20 yrs but it has only been recently we've had problems - he puts everyone before me. A female friend stayed over last night and he squashed himself next to her on the sofa rather than come near me. Now he is in the pub even though ds is unwell. Basically our ideas of what it means to be married are no longer the same. If I threaten to leave he'll immediately take the moral high ground; I couldn't do that to our dcs anyway. I love the man I married 14 yrs ago so much. How do I get him back? I've tried talking, but every time I get my nerve up I back out b/c I know it will all get very nasty and I can't bear the thought of the dcs hearing us.

nearlythree....had no idea things were so bad...... i know you have had issues, but this..sleeping next to a female friend!!!! what moral high ground can he take ,exactly?

not got much in the way of advice, except to say, i am sorry you ar going through this , here is my email addy, if you need a shoulder

lulumama 21 @ hotmail. com

xxx

Oh nearlythree - I could have written the same OP - we've been together 19 yrs and married for 13 yrs - and I don't think we like the middle aged people we have become !

I don't want to split up either and I don't think he does - but it's not much fun like this !

My dh will barge into me in the kitchen if I happen to be in his way - he will ignore me and pretend he hasn't heard me, snap my head off, give me filthy looks etc - but then clainms there is nothing wrong !

I guess it's familiarity breeding contempt !

No advice really - I put my own head firmly in the sand becuase I don't really want to have THAT conversation and like you I wouldn't want to deprive dd of her dad !

Message withdrawn

Oh lulumama, sorry, i put that badly, he didn't sleep there, just sat there all evening and today with me alone on our four seater! But it was still hurtful and IMO sent the wrong message to our dcs. And there are other occasions when that friend and other friends have come first - he (rightly) feels sorry for another friend who is having a breakdown but when I came perilously close to one I just got impatience and contempt.

We spend far too much time together during the day w/out enjoying each other's company. And we are both so sad after what has happened this yr. His way of dealing with it has been to lose himself in his social life, mine has been to shut myself away.

Disrespect is a pretty good way of putting it. I have started to be very short with him in the hope he sees how sad I am but chicken out of saying why. And I think I probably started the ball rolling when I shut him out after dd1 was born.

Lulumama, will be in touch.xx

Maybe put it in a letter to him, if it all spills out in an argument he will probably not listen and think its just you having a go. Put it to him that it is something you both need to work on rather than a list of things he is doing wrong or you will have no chance.

Perhaps think of a few things you could change like having a meal out, night out to cinema, change seating arrangments in the living room, new underwear for both of you. It sound like the key is to not make him feel threatened and tackle it together.

Yes, I am turning into asulky old witch and I wouldn't want to talk to me either.

Thing is, he is the best dh ever, and a great dad, and I have no idea how the hell we have ended up like strangers.

ok..glad it wasn't quite as bad then..but still,, not an ideal situation...you might have shut him out, as it were, but the birth of a child is a huge thing for both parents..he could have been there for you and drawn you out ..could still be a partnership and a team, you need to talk and talk,,maybe with Relate?

Reading my post back I have to laugh been with my DH for 13+ years now and we are like strangers really he works toomuch and I resent the fact I can't get a job or a career. In loads of debt due to us both being idiots with money and here I am dishing out advice to you. Sorry

Iv'e been in similar position in last 3 years. I am 36 and we met at school. I got fed up feeling taken for granted, unloved etc + the sex life had taken a turn for the worse. We had frank discussions a few times and things improved for a while but then went back to there old ways. Despite feeling pretty crap, i couldn't imagine life without him and i didn't want to go through the break up of a family.
The last conversation was summer last year, i told him i should have recorded the previous discussion as i had exactly the same things to say. I said maybe we should go for marriage counselling - he was gobsmacked, didn't think it was that bad etc but somehow i got it through to him that it was that bad for me. He felt that was only necessary when its at crisis point (whatever that means). I think this gave him the kick up the backside he needed and things have been great again ever since. We have also had our third child recently and have never been happier.
You have to be brutally honest and make him understand what the effect is on you and what it would be like if you were to seperate

Well all I can say is that divorcing after 19 years married has definitely been the best thing for this family, but it was so bad the children and I didn't really think we had any choice so it's a question of whether you're in that position or not.