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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want him in my life but don't know if he's straight

24 replies

wildmountainheather · 17/02/2016 20:52

Ok here goes. I have a somewhat younger colleague who I get on wonderfully with. He is just a joy to be with, intelligent, great conversationalist, very very good at putting you at your ease and clearly really genuinely likes women. Not one lascivious sexist macho comment ever and isn't any different when the men are around. He never ever talks about exes or women being attractive or anything at all but occasionally makes reference when in female company to x or y male being handsome. Not in the slightest effeminate in fact more an old fashioned sort of masculine vibe. So I desire him but am I barking up the wrong tree?

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 17/02/2016 20:55

Has he ever shown any interest in you?

Original poster

wildmountainheather · 17/02/2016 20:58

Well unless I am deluded I would say yes, and he confides in me and seems to single me out for attention. That said he is nice to and gets on well with all the women (amd many of the men)

OP posts:

60sname · 17/02/2016 21:00

I'd say it's unusual for straight men to pass comment on men's attractiveness!

Nobodyspecialanymore · 17/02/2016 21:03

You have nothing to lose by asking him if he wants to go out, and making a move. If he's gay I bet you would have a best friend for life, if not, well that would be great. Life is too short not to!

Believeitornot · 17/02/2016 21:05

I know someone like this but know that he makes many women feel like that.

Believeitornot · 17/02/2016 21:06

Sorry hit send. So basically no one can work out if he's gay or not.

Why not go for drinks with him or for coffee, see how he reacts.

iklboo · 17/02/2016 21:09

I work with an utterly gorgeous, amazing gentleman. He's the kind that has ladies sighing. He's beautifully dressed, well mannered, very attentive and caring. He is my 'if I wasn't with DH.....man'. But he's gay, so I'm not his type. He's still great to have as a friend & gives wonderful hugs.

thegiddylimit · 17/02/2016 21:09

Surely it's not that hard to find out, just ask if he has a OH as part of a general conversation. If you are that friendly it's an easy conversation to have as a general 'I'm interested in your life' chat. If yes then he's off the table, if no then keep asking general questions and see if you get any details about an ex.

RedRainRocks · 17/02/2016 21:14

You won't know until you ask... Sexual preference doesn't always manifest itself in outward behaviours. He could be straight, gay, or even bi... If you're good friends he won't mind your curiosity

Original poster

wildmountainheather · 17/02/2016 21:18

No, but despite the social skills he is shy about personal stuff. Part of me is protecting myself in case he is either gay or not interested. He is worth the risk though

OP posts:

Believeitornot · 17/02/2016 21:20

Shy in what sense?

This sounds so much like the person I work with it is uncanny.

juneau · 17/02/2016 21:22

Does he flirt with you? Singling you out for friendship and conversation is just ... friendship and conversation. I'm afraid he sounds gay to me because he sounds very much like my gay DB who has MASSES of adoring female friends, but has never had a proper relationship.

Also - he's a colleague and while I know that many couples meet at work it can be a recipe for disaster and lead to one or both of you being fired for unprofessional conduct, or horrible awkwardness if it doesn't work out. How about making more of an effort to date OUTSIDE work?

HandyWoman · 17/02/2016 21:37

He sounds gay to me.

goddessofsmallthings · 17/02/2016 22:00

How much younger is this 'somewhat younger' colleague and could it be that he's singled you out because you remind him of his mum?

Floggingmolly · 17/02/2016 22:04

Ouch, Goddess! There's no reason to strike up a friendship with anyone because they remind you of your mum, why would anyone do that?

Original poster

wildmountainheather · 17/02/2016 22:09

He is 10 years younger. And no I am not totally deluded. And yes I believe he has been flirting and others have commented on it. We did very very nearly kiss once

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 17/02/2016 22:15

Ask him to go for a quick drink after work, then, and see what happens. Nothing to lose. Good luck

goddessofsmallthings · 17/02/2016 23:05

Did that thought not occur to you, molly? It's one of the first thoughts that occurs to me when reading of an older woman/younger man scenario as Oedipus is rarely far away from such situations, which is why I asked how much younger than herself the OP's desirable colleague is.

Much like juneau I'm aware that vast numbers of individuals meet their significant others in the workplace, but I've always avoided having relationships with colleagues outside of work because of the complications that can arise if/when there's a falling out.

I don't see what you've got to gain from rushing, OP, and suggest you let nature take its course as he'll no doubt ask you out if his feelings towards you are what you believe them to be.

velourvoyageur · 19/02/2016 12:35

No idea whether he's gay. Gay and male = not such prescriptive models of performance that outsiders can identify them on the basis of a few details.
My dad certainly isn't and has on occasion said, oh he's good looking etc.

But I have to say, it seems like a really valuable friendship anyway, so you're lucky in that sense. I'd be pleased to know such a nice person :)

velourvoyageur · 19/02/2016 12:36

Think how many women say they're not interested in sex with women but think that women's bodies are more beautiful than men's.

I do try not to objectify men either though.

velourvoyageur · 19/02/2016 12:38

sorry, last post!
I would be totally direct and just ask him if he's interested in going for a drink just the two of you sometime. Speculating will only bring you so far. Rejection won't kill you. He sounds cool so I'm sure you'll still have a good friendship to enjoy if it doesn't work out.

Naoko · 19/02/2016 12:43

Just ask him out? If he's gay he'll say thank you but I'm not into women, if he's straight he might say yes or no and you can either plan a date or move on. No point second guessing whether he's gay or not.

BigQueenBee · 19/02/2016 14:11

I think it would be in your best interest to ask him for a drink.
If he declines the invitation you will know where you stand.
If you dwell on whether or not you should risk asking him; you are very likely to develop an infatuation which could make things very uncomfortable for both of you.

TheNaze73 · 19/02/2016 14:47

Why don't you just ask him? He may just say yes?! 😀 There may be a number of reasons why he's not asked, he could be shy etc. Back in the day, I knew I liked older woman & still do but, was painfully shy & intimidated by them. He could be like that? Ask him to do something non threatening, maybe a lunch time coffee & test the water. He sounds like a find. I have a friend who's articulate, well mannered & good natured and people assume he is gay because of this

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