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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trying to support partner through difficult divorce

50 replies

Mrskeats · 16/02/2016 17:42

I've posted before about my partners ex and her demands
We live together and her bad treatment of my partner is really awful to witness
She has now decided that it would be a good idea for him to move into her cleaners spare room as a lodger to be closer to the children! (Translation to be at my beck and call)
We live together which she doesn't know as she has already contacted his work and we don't want her turning up upsetting my kids
His kids are teens and aren't aware really if what's going on
During the marriage she was abusive and caused him to have a kind of breakdown and suicidal thoughts
Basically she doesn't think he should ever have a new partner or life and I'm wanting advice on how to best help him

OP posts:

HandyWoman · 17/02/2016 00:18

Not talking about the legalities.

I'm saying it's unwise of both of you to get involved while there's such emotional mess playing out between them. This man is not actually ready to embark on a new relationship.

It's about making wise decisions. And yes life is like that. Getting involved with your dp and moving into all the mess you are describing - that's s choice. You and your dp both made it.

goddessofsmallthings · 17/02/2016 00:41

How long has he lived apart from his dw and where was he living when you met him, Mrskeats.

pieceofpurplesky · 17/02/2016 00:42

My exh did this. Was total bollocks. Luckily people are beginning to realise!

sky1010 · 17/02/2016 01:01

I know this is not helpful, but I feel stressed out from reading your post

This drama sounds bloody exhausting for a year long relationship. Has it been like this from the start?

LazyDaysAndTuesdays · 17/02/2016 06:37

My exh did this. Was total bollocks. Luckily people are beginning to realise!

My DH exW was like the OP DP exW.

We now have an injunctions and an harassment order against her.

dilys4trevor · 17/02/2016 07:07

he was treated for depression as felt he carried the burden of a high pressure job as well as running the house etc

So his STBXW was not only mad and abusive, but also did no housework or contributed anything despite hardly ever having worked.

She's either the worst person who ever walked the earth....or he is demonising her a little. Which is easy to do during or after a break up, but shouldn't be taken at face value.

I'm pretty certain my H (now deceased) used to tell his family that he did 'everything.' In fact, I know it. In reality, my job was much more stressful than his and I did the vast majority of the childcare, including all the school organisation and pretty much 100% of the 'emotional' stuff (i.e. giving a shit about the children's little lives beyond simply feeding and clothing). I've no doubt his family believed I was a lazy cow who put all the pressure on their poor son. It was rubbish.

Not saying your DP is necessarily lying but you've only been together a year, and I am guessing you have no first hand understanding of what their marriage was really like, as that was before you knew him intimately. People really do say all sorts about exes. Sometimes it's true but often its exaggeration. Esp stuff like 'she caused me to have suicidal thoughts' or 'I did everything and she did nothing.' If I were you I wouldn't get too emotionally involved in what happened in their marriage or their arguments now. Keep your relationship fun and light and wait for all this stuff to get sorted out.

Doingmyheadin2016 · 17/02/2016 07:14

You ask what you can do to help him. I think you should let him get on with it and let you know when it's all sorted.

Why is he involving you by telling you she called about the ipad? Or what his sister said about Facebook? I don't think you need up know all that nonsense. It's just firing you up.

I'm sure in a previous thread you said all the things he still does for her and the dc and the family home. That's his choice but they both seem to be still so involved in each other's lives that neither of them can move on.

PosieReturningParker · 17/02/2016 08:20

Is he really single?

Isetan · 17/02/2016 08:22

How can you support him? By not getting sucked into the drama. His boundaries or lack there of, are his responsibility. Don't create or contribute to a dynamic where you feel responsible for a situation where you have no control.

I know it's hard watching someone you love struggling but he's an adult and you can't fight his battles, he has to learn to assert himself.

Isetan · 17/02/2016 08:23

You can not help him, if he won't help himself.

Original poster

Mrskeats · 17/02/2016 08:32

He was in a flat owned by his company
He pays bills so she can live as she doesn't work
Our relationship is amazing it's just her constant contact over daft stuff lots of the time
I think he should block her number as his kids can contact him directly

OP posts:

PosieReturningParker · 17/02/2016 08:38

Is this relationship new?

SongBird16 · 17/02/2016 09:20

I've no idea whether she was abusive in the marriage or not, and neither have you, but telling him about a room that's available nearby, or texting him a question about an iPad doesn't seem that bad to me.

Is she really insisting that he live in her cleaner's spare room or, not knowing anything about his living arrangements, did she just mention that a friend is looking for a lodger and ask if he'd be interested?

Did she really drag him out of a meeting to ask about an iPad or did she text him a question that she assumed he'd answer when convenient?

What I do think is weird is that he won't tell her where he's living, won't tell her that he's living with a new partner, doesn't want to have his kids to stay overnight and is frankly stupid enough to come out of a meeting to immediately reply to an unimportant text from her rather than just replying later.

user1465823522 · 29/06/2016 06:36

I'm confused - do they have kids? do they have shared assets such as a house or a business?

user1465823522 · 29/06/2016 06:38

Our relationship is amazing it's just her constant contact over daft stuff lots of the time
I think he should block her number as his kids can contact him directly

This is childish and will not help anyone.

I don't want to start a fight but I always hate these women who come in at the end of a relationship and believe they know everything. Whatever you do DO NOT get between this man and his kids. Don't make him chose.

MrsBertBibby · 29/06/2016 07:01

If he fails to diclose to her and the court that he is living with a new partner then he is lying to the court (potentially an offence) , and any order can be set aside so they can start from scratch.

ficbia · 29/06/2016 07:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EarthboundMisfit · 29/06/2016 09:23

Yet again a stunning example of MN double standards. If we were being told a woman was being harassed by an abusive ex, it'd be accepted.

Original poster

Mrskeats · 29/06/2016 11:17

Exactly earth
We went to his mums 80th birthday and the whole family told me about how he was treated and how worried they were about how unhappy he was

On this site the first wife is never ever in the wrong but hey ho
She still texts him expecting him to do daft little jobs etc
They have final mediation next week so hopefully a deal can be struck-watching that programme on mediation though last night was worrying

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 29/06/2016 11:21

If he is lying in mediation about living with you, it's a waste of both their time and money.

HermioneJeanGranger · 29/06/2016 11:29

He needs to be honest with the mediators about his living situation. If she/they find out he's been lying, he could be in big trouble down the line, and you may well end up back where you started re. contact, maintenance etc.

I've been in a similar situation, OP. We broke up. The stuff he told me about his ex was mostly bollocks. He kept us apart so that she wouldn't tell me the truth! There was a whole lot more to our break-up (I had a thread a couple of months ago) but in hindsight the way he spoke about his ex was a massive red-flag.

He needs to get divorced, sort out official maintenance/contact and THEN live with you properly. You living with him while he's still married and has no official court order is just a disaster waiting to happen. Why did you move in with a married man anyway?

Original poster

Mrskeats · 29/06/2016 12:24

He has told the mediator
It's my house and that has no bearing on their deal as she's getting their house
Only in the bubble of mumsnet do people have relationships before divorce

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrskeats · 29/06/2016 12:25

Thanks for all the help though
I'm giving up with this forum

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrskeats · 29/06/2016 12:27

And as for the stupid question why because we love each other
I'm assuming it was rhetorical

OP posts:

Atenco · 29/06/2016 13:29

I'm no expert on these types of situations, but I'm afraid, OP, your response to the comments here reminds me of my response to my friends' warnings about a bf of mine. Of course my friends were right. I hope that is not the case with you.

Apart from that, people are saying that he has to tell the truth about where he is living for mediation and/or the courts for the divorce to go through legally, so that is something you have to bear in mind.

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