Wedding or not?

[Lilyargin]

Background: my lovely partner of 3+ years asked me to marry him a year ago. I want to spend the rest of my life with him at the moment.
I said yes. Now that the wedding is getting closer, I have postponed it to next year (venue was very understanding) as we have had to spend the money saved on other things (solicitors fees). Now I'm wondering whether to do it at all as a) we're not religious b) I'd rather spend the money going on nice holidays with him. I don't think being married would change anything. We're both divorced and happy as we are.
However, I fear I'm being the biggest party pooper ever and should just embrace the celebration and not worry about the extravagance.
What do others think?

Why does it have to be extravagant? Why not get married on one of those nice holidays you'd like to go on with him and throw a party on your return?

I think it's quite telling that you've said "I want to spend the rest of my life with him at the moment " and it could be that, while you're happy to spend the near future with him, you're not entirely convinced that he is the one and only you want to spend the rest of your life with.

The rest of your life can seem like an awfully long time once you're married. If you're happy right now, why change things?

I am convinced I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I've thought this before with exes and am enough of a realist to realise that that can change!

I can relate to that

If it ain't broke, why fix it? If you're happy to continue in unwedded bliss don't rush to tie the knot.

Do you have dc and/or shared finances to consider?

A wedding isn't about the wedding, it's about the marriage that follows.

If you're having negative thoughts about the wedding, ask yourself if this is because you don't want to be married to him.

If it's not that, it's that you're getting carried away with a wedding day that doesn't reflect what you want.

You can get married in a Registry Office for about £100. There is no need for extravagance.

If you might yet conceive children and might therefore choose to reduce your own financial independence in order to bring up said children then marriage is a good idea without religion

If you want each other to be considered your next of kin in the event if accident, severe illness or death rather than critical decisions being made by someone else then marriage is a good idea without religion.

If you want to pass on a portion of your joint possessions (eg your house) to each other without inheritance tax when one of you dies then, depending on how your property is owned (joint tenants vs tenancy in common) marriage is a good idea without religion

If on the other hand you don't really want to entwine your financial legal and medical lives that closely and would prefer to live together as fully independent individuals then of course there's nothing wrong with staying as you are. But still: throw a big party for all your friends, and call it a "not getting married" party so that there is an opportunity to celebrate your relationship publicly and an excuse to get everyone together. It doesn't have to be a wedding. But if you don't you'll have people saying "so when are you tying the knot then" for ever.

That is good advice, Fish, thanks. The planned place is boho diy so it won't cost a fortune, but more than we have. I suppose the fact I can't get excited says it all really.

Completely agree. I've been engaged for two years, we've been
together for eight years and are thinking about starting a family very soon. He proposed knowing I've never had an interest in getting married. His parents have offered to
pay, but there are a million and one things I'd rather spend the money on. I feel I'd be doing it for the sake of it.