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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why is he angry with me - sad marriage breakup

48 replies

Biddyfromthebog · 15/02/2016 20:58

Been married for 14 years but with my husband for 25 years altogether. We've been through lots - both his parents dying, depression, redundancy, financial nail-biting and more. Just average crap, I suppose but we've always muddled through, had a laugh and enjoyed life together.
So, the last two years have been tough and we haven't been getting on so well. It's been up and down but I'm peri-menopausal and I thought it was mostly in my head. He never seemed to be very kind to me anymore.
Anyway on Friday my DH said our marriage is over. He can't stand me anymore - I'm negative and constantly having a go at him. He has no feelings for me. Since then, I've been distraught, just shocked and numb. His reaction is to give me filthy looks and be angry with my hysterical reaction. But I don't understand why he's so angry with me? How did he expect me to react.
I love him so I can't help it and my poor kids - I'm scared for them and how they'll feel and I'm so sad that I've failed... Sorry, this is just a ramble - I don't know how to start telling people. I need to though but it seems so impossible to know where to begin.

OP posts:

Original poster

Biddyfromthebog · 16/02/2016 00:02

Blindsider and Giddy. Thank you. I am crying again now because you have been so kind (as has everyone else who took the time to post) and have given me some strength and focus for tomorrow. I desperately want to make it work but at least, if it is the end, I know I tried.

OP posts:

23jumpstreet · 16/02/2016 00:17

🌹🌷xx thinking of you op please be strong it will be ok.

Phoenix69 · 16/02/2016 05:02

as other posters have said first thing to do is talk about the relationship.

Contact a marriage/relationship counsellor. You owe it to each other, but more he owes you an explanation and to get everything out in the open. Tell him this is the next step, book a joint session and take him along.

If you have not had the relationship where it is easy to talk about your emotions this will bring out any underlying issues that have not been discussed.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 16/02/2016 05:07

Why do you think you'd have to sell the house? Maybe you could buy him out. Or could you cover the mortgage until the kids grow up? You need legal advice.

hesterton · 16/02/2016 05:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Millliii · 16/02/2016 11:41

So, the last two years have been tough and we haven't been getting on so well. It's been up and down but I'm peri-menopausal and I thought it was mostly in my head. He never seemed to be very kind to me anymore.
Anyway on Friday my DH said our marriage is over. He can't stand me anymore - I'm negative and constantly having a go at him

This is what I was referring to OP. You said you have had a tough couple of years and not been getting on. He has accused you of some things and I was asking if what he said was true?

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 16/02/2016 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Biddyfromthebog · 16/02/2016 12:13

Thank you for your message. I'm so sorry that you got treated as you did. You clearly were the mature one and you got kicked in the teeth for it. In the fullness of time the lucky OW will see him for what he is when he, without doubt, treats her exactly the same way.
You deserve someone much nicer and I've no doubt you'll find someone too.

OP posts:

Millliii · 16/02/2016 12:23

Biddy His blaming you and rewriting your relationship history together is one the the classic signs of a cheating partner. I know its horrible to believe but in another way, if it does turn out to be the case, you will realise that it is not you. At the moment you are searching through your past to try to understand, to make sense of it all, to find a reason somewhere as to why he is behaving like this. The next few days and weeks will unfold and things will come to light and it will get easier. It will. You will get stronger, little by little. Some time apart may be the best thing for you both. For him to miss you and what you had and for you to realise that you are worth more and deserve to be treated better. Don't try to get him to come home, use this time to cry and have some peace away from his presence. When he is there you probably will be following him asking questions, crying and asking to try again. Without him around, as awful as that may be, it will enable you to just cry, scream whatever and to absorb what has happened.

Original poster

Biddyfromthebog · 16/02/2016 12:29

Millliii, yes, sorry, I've re-read everything this morning and I do see you point. I have been a bit stroppy and more snappy at times but definitely not all the time. I have never been an anxious person but I have been feeling less able to cope at times and I know that has been irritating for him and me. However, I just don't think it was that bad - I could say he has been snappy and grumpy too... I have been thinking about my part in this all morning and trying to be honest with myself too - not a victim but honest.

OP posts:

Original poster

Biddyfromthebog · 16/02/2016 12:35

Sorry Millliii, our posts crossed but you're right. I am picking and picking away at myself and him. I need to think about things and so does he. I'm obsessing about the past at the moment and he's obsessed with the future (sunny, rich, sexy, trouble-free) and we both need to have some time to each start looking in the other direction. If there is an ow, then I'm sure I'll find that out soon enough too.

OP posts:

Millliii · 16/02/2016 12:35

Please don't stress over it too much though. Relationships are all about the rough and smooth but when one partner has had enough then there is nothing you can do at this point but let them go. Time apart will help you both. If he is not cheating then he may just be going through his own mid life crises type thing. Im sorry that its not nice to hear that he may have had his head turned by another woman but please do be prepared for that to be the reason.

Millliii · 16/02/2016 12:38

But even if he is having an affair then it still doesn't mean that it is the end for you and him, unless you want it to be the end of course. Some relationships that have a long history together do weather these things and can come out the other end stronger, wiser and better.

Iamdobby63 · 16/02/2016 12:42

Biddy I am sorry you are going through this, it's one thing to feel the pain of a relationship ending but it's just awful trying to figure out what made it go wrong. He does owe it to you to give you a clear explanation.

There is already a lot of good advice posted, perhaps suggest couples counselling and if he is resistant then tell him he owes it to you if only to clear why you are separating in your head so you can accept it and then move on with the rest of your life.

Talcumsoul · 16/02/2016 18:29

Oh Biddy. This sounds awful. I agree with a previous poster that if he thinks it's over, then he should go. The space will do you all good, even the children. Let him off. Feck him.
Whilst he's gone, do things that are different. Change your hair, move the furniture around, start yoga ( or art or line dancing). Start a brilliant new thing with your children, film night or martial arts or something so cool that this period of adjustment can have some joyful highlights for you all.
After 25 years if someone says it's over, I'd believe them. Bastard.

pictish · 16/02/2016 18:39

We often tell women on here that they may end a relationship or marriage for any reason if they are not happy.
Is the same not true for men?

Why is he a bastard? Why is he being slated? He has outright told OP he doesn't want to be with her anymore because he's not happy. Is that not how one would end a relationship they no longer want to remain in?

Talcumsoul · 16/02/2016 18:51

He's a bastard because he is not ending his marriage with kindness or respect.

MiniCooperLover · 16/02/2016 19:42

He is a bastard because he's outright told the OP he's not happy and wants out and expects her to just say 'aw shucks ok then'. That's why he's a bastard ...

Marchate · 16/02/2016 19:48

Also Pictish, how many men do you know who have left their partners with little or no explanation? Next question, how many women do you know who etc etc

Men generally don't need to be given permission by society/their peers. Women tend to hesitate even when things get extremely bad

That's my PoV anyway

OhforGodsake · 16/02/2016 19:50

He is not a bastard for wanting to end the relationship. He is , however, a bastard for doing it with cruelty, spite and malice.

calzone · 17/02/2016 00:54

I didn't mean for you to give up.

I meant get tough. Look at what he will lose.
Your home
Your children
Your housekeeper, cook and bottle washer......

Kick him out and let's see when the children are available to see you.

IrianofWay · 17/02/2016 10:44

"He is not a bastard for wanting to end the relationship. He is , however, a bastard for doing it with cruelty, spite and malice."

This.

DixieNormas · 17/02/2016 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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