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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Got myself into a mess

13 replies

Thaigal · 29/12/2006 14:17

Basically I was seeing a man for around a year and a half, I was getting increasingly sick of him for various reasons (terrible money habits, debt, childish and wreckless driving, obsession with playstation, trying to take over with the kids and constantly relying on his mum for everything) so I eventually called it a day with him. This was a long, drawn out process as he just wouldn't leave it, he would phone at stupid times (like 3am), come round unnannounced, sent long, soppy emails about "the first time we met" etc etc but in the end after a few months it did calm down and he spoke to each other less. We slowly started talking again, mostly over msn as friends, chatted about general day to day stuff, the news etc and then he said he'd got tickets to see a band that was near where I lived and he wondered if I fancied it...just as friends. I hadn't been out in ages and really needed the break so I agreed, this was a week before christmas. He came down and bought me a £70 bottle of perfume, I told him not to etc and even got on at him to try and get his money back and he said it didnt matter, it was just an early christmas present.

I know what he's like for trying to buy affection however so this was a worry to me, we went to see the band on the night and had a good time, he dropped me off at home and got out christmas presents that he'd bought for my kids...he then put his arm around me and tried to kiss me, I gave him a little kid (spare of the moment/confusion etc) and he went home.

However now he seems to think that everything is back on, we're supposed to be going out "just as friends" on new year but now I know his intentions I dont know what to do, I know this is my fault but I don't know how to handle it now, he's already paid for new year so I cant really tell him Im not going...he's due to come down tomorow.

What do I do? is it unreasonable of me now to tell him that I'm still up for new year (im paying my own way btw) but nothing else will happen? or is that mean/arrogent etc?

OP posts:
Thaigal · 29/12/2006 14:19

kiss that is, not kid!! it didnt go that far! lol

OP posts:
NAB3 · 29/12/2006 14:21

If you want him back, go out with him. If you don't, don't. It is not just up to him you know!

Thaigal · 29/12/2006 14:27

I don't want him back but I didn't see the harm in just being friends? he obviously wants more though I actually said to him last night that I hoped he wasnt "expecting" anything to happen over new year and he got all huffy and said "lets just see what happen" and "I dont want to pretend that friday never happened" (it was only a little kiss, admittidly a kiss too many but still, its not as if I declared my undying love for him!).

I have thought about giving him another chance but I really don't think we're right for each other, I want more out of life that chavvy cars and playstations.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 29/12/2006 14:28

Did you post about this a couple of weeks ago? I rememer a similar thread and the resounding overall replies were to steer well clear in case this happened.
I don't think you can extract yourself from this relationship and remain friends. You are just going to have to be cruel to be kind and ditch him properly.

Thaigal · 29/12/2006 15:29

I'm just really stressed out about new year now, I want to go out but I dont want the pressure of wondering what he's expecting

OP posts:
theUrbanDryadWithSparklyWings · 29/12/2006 15:39

go out somewhere else...or invite some mates round...anything, just don't go out with this bloke. i have a theory that you can never, ever be friends with an ex until AT LEAST a year after you split up. and usually not even then.

sorry. i'm such a harsh bitch.

Thaigal · 29/12/2006 22:58

Ok, I've just told him that whilst I'm still prapared to go out on NYE I just want it to be clear between us that we're going out as friends only and that nothing else will happen...so he started saying it was me that made the move last time and that I've spoilt the entire night for him now as he's going to be walking on eggshelves in case he says the wrong thing and I take it the wrong way etc...? seriously am I in the wrong here (I know I've been stupid) or is he blowing it all out of proportion? is there anything wrong with making sure we're both on the same wavelengh before the night? he reckons now that he never expected anything to happen anyway .

I do want to go out but all this is a big dark cloud lurking over it now, why can't men hold civilised conversations without flying off the deepend and feeling sorry for themselves?

OP posts:
Carmenere · 29/12/2006 23:00

I am sorry but I really think that you are in the wrong. You know that he wants more, the honorable thing to do is to stay away from him, even if that means staying in on NYE.

Thaigal · 29/12/2006 23:02

I know you're right, I have told him that we should just cancel but he's spent alot of money on it and is insisting that he never thought we were going as any more than friends. I feel guilty for going and equally quilty if I didn't go

OP posts:
Pruni · 29/12/2006 23:03

Message withdrawn

lou33 · 29/12/2006 23:03

tell him you are sick, tell him anything but dont go out with him or it will get messier

madamez · 30/12/2006 02:19

Are you prepared to have sex with him? If not, don't go. Feign illness, unexpected parental visit, past-life trauma or anything else, but don't go.
I am NOT suggesting that anyone owes anyone sex because of paying for tickets, but if you go out under these circumstances with someone who you know wants sex with you and who is, by the way, demonstrating some fairly stalkerish behaviour patterns, then you need to be prepared for them to try it on, and to know how to deal with it.

Freckle · 30/12/2006 04:47

I can't believe that you're even considering going. All the signs are there that he most certainly is expecting more than a platonic relationship. You say he's paid money, but that you are paying your own way - so how will he lose out if you choose not to go?

I can guarantee that, if you do go, you'll be back here on New Year's Day with a thread entitled "We were just meant to be friends, but he made me sleep with him".

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