I cant believe I am writing this, yet when I see other peoples posts, who are in far longer term, more committed relationships, married with kids etc I can't help but still feel like 'but no one understands what I am going through!!!' cries into pillow. Clearly - I am not the only one to have ever had to mend a broken heart!
To give some background. I have been with my (now ex) boyfriend six years, but we have known each other a while longer. We were together when we were younger, but needed time to 'grow up'. We ended up back together again two years later. It was almost fairytale like - Boy meets Girl again, and their love is untouched! swoooonnn.
We are (were) close. My best friend, my companion, my rock, my grounding, my 'go to', my happiness, and good looking to boot. I thought we had it made, having lived together for three years, and almost, roughly on a similar journey - wanting to put holidays, life, celebrations, growing up, before committing to kids and marriage in our early 30's.
Now heading close to my 30's I thought 'this is it, yippeee!'.
But it isn't. And boy has it knocked me sideways with full force, and keeps doing so like one of those stupid weeble toys. I am hysterical. I feel lost, lonely, in despair, angry, reflective, disappointed, let down, hurt, heartbroken, anxious, devastated.. You name it these past few days I have felt it to my absolute core and then some.
The thing is though, I could see it coming. We had been here only a few months before, trying to work out our differences, and as to why things just were not 'clicking' anymore. How could things be going so wrong, when they were, or were at least mean to be so right? We were MADE for each and this was the plan!!!!
I sit back now, and realise, actually all the above is still very true. It hasn't changed. We still love each other, we just CANNOT seem to make it work. Our communications styles are very different. He is a 'doer', I am a 'talker' (like most men and women, but to the extreme in this circumstance and I wont bore you with the detail).
I am a worrier, I like to feel reassured and loved by words and the small things. He is laid back and assumes his actions speak for themselves (they do, but for me the words have to kind of be there too). His laid back 'what will be will be' attitude means his support is somewhat lacking, which is fine for the stupid stuff I stress over, but not the big things, which are potentially life changing - what if I relied on his support for babies, or family issues, or parents growing old (because it is all grown up stuff that we will need to deal with one day). He can be selfish, whereas I am the type to put others first always. He is very black and white and logical and he comes across as cold and emotionally lacking. I am a daydreamer, who trusts their gut and seeks comfort in emotion and knowing I have listened to both my head and heart. I come across as needy at times, even though my heart is in the right place. There are so many clashes in personality, which in all, and without adding much more detail and examples, left for us both wanting and feeling well, not ourselves - which is utterly S**T.
Before anyone suggests making small compromises, agreeing to make small changes, we have been there. We have talked it through, we have tried to action it for months. But it just came across as forced and false, and it left for just a very weird atmosphere and environment to be in. We were content, we weren't unhappy, but the days of pure joy and happiness, just kind of weren't there anymore.
The break up is amicable. There is no hate, no cheating, no 'someone else', no screaming at each other, no 'can we make it work', it just is what it is, with a whole lot of hurt chucked in.
So HOW, please tell me, do you cope with a break up, where you both still love each other, have a connection and a spark, but just cannot make it work?
This is the hardest thing I think I have ever had to cope with :(