Fed up with DP

[iwouldgoouttonight]

Just wanted to get this off my chest. Since DS was born my relationship with DP seems to have deteriorated. It started with us both just being knackered so we just struggled through things but it seems to be getting worse. Every thing he does annoys me and I can't bear the thought of sex - every time he touches me I want to run away!

Before DS was born everything was fine but now I just feel as though I can't be bothered with DP. Fed up with tidying up after him, looking after DS while DP is on computer. When DP does try to help I just pick fault - eg, he does things like leaving DS really close to edge of bed so he may have rolled off, not using changing mat so DS wee'd all over mattress, leaving his used snotty tissues all over the floor (how much effort does it take to just put them in the bin?!)

I know its my fault - I'm just being miserable and finding fault with everything he does - if he doesn't help I moan, but if he tries to help I tell him he's doing it wrong! He's acting quite miserable too - when we do spend time together we hardly speak - if we do he just complains about the world in general!

Won't be able to use computer again for a while as DP will be using if for rest of day but just wanted to get things off my chest. Feel as though I wouldn't care if DP and I split up because I just can't be bothered with him any more.

how old is your ds?

hate to say it, but actually I think what you are feeling is quite normal - things change so much once you've had a child and it becomes so much easier to find fault with each other when you're knackered, stressed, a bit short of me-time.

Do you work or have an opportunity to get out and see friends/go for a coffee/exercise? I think if you can work on your general happiness/life satisfaction, you may find yourself being more forgiving with dh.

You symptoms sounds a bit like someone who's been cooped up too long!

Also, I think if you're not in the mood for general conversation with dh, could you do something like go to the cinema? Anything where you spend time together but don't feel the pressure to try and interact iyswim.

DS is four months old - I'm still on maternity leave but actually looking forward to going back to work so I can get out of the house - you're right I do feel cooped up. I thought I'd love to stay at home with DS but now I don't know how people stay at home and look after children full time - I'm already climbing the walls! I do normally go out and see friends during the week but think I'm feeling worse because its christmas so routine has gone, friends away with families, etc. When I have a day with nothing planned I just feel really depressed - I try to spend the day entertaining DS but haven't the energy to do it all day and then feel guilty if I sit down and watch tv for a bit!

Think the problem is DP and I aren't talking about the problem and the longer we leave it I'm worried it'll be impossible to go back to getting along with each other again. I just can't be bothered to talk about it.

DP seems to constantly want sex (I'm sure it isn't constant but it seems like it to me because I don't want it at all!) I want to want it iyswim but would much rather sleep, read, pluck out toenails, etc! I think he thinks we should just carry on as we were before and doesn't realise how much a new baby affects things.

you have just described me and my dp. we argue over the stupidist thing and i really feel like i cant be bothered to talk to him most of the time. and if im in a mood he asks whats the matter and of course i say "nothing". we've been together for nearly 10 years and tings were brilliant to start with, then after ds1 was born after being together 16 months, things did get bad, he always did things wrong if they werent done my way etc etc. he would play no his playstation forever and would come to bed at 3 in the morning. or go round friends after work and come home till late again. so i resented that as he could go out and i was stuck in with ds1.
i was diagnosed as having postnatal dpression when ds1 was 3!! anyway, fast forward a few more years and things did getter a lot better between us, we both got new jobs and ds1 went to nursery/school so i wasnt as cooped up and i went to college then unversity. then i found out i was pregnant again last year which was a complete bolt out of the blu as we hadnt been trying at all as i still had no sex drive and dp kind of took what he could get !!( i used to pretend i was asleep to get out of sex as i really couldnt bear it when he came to bed but had started to get better agian or i wouldnt have ds2 obviously)
anyway, ds2 is now 6 months and im going back to work 3 days a week next week. im looking forward to it as i really cannot stand being in all that time. part of me would love to be a sahm but love my job and worked hard to get it.

but i have had to learn these past few months that dp doesnt do things my way and i have to give a bit. it does still really piss me off when he cant be arsed to put things back in the cuboard when all he has to do is lift his arm to open it up fr gods sake! and leaving his clothes all over the floor, but im slowly relaxing a bit.

he now has a bloody poker obsession on the net so sits here for hours in the eve whiich i was pissed off with again, but then thought well i can watch what i want all evening.

sorry that was sooo long, i had a bit of a rant to, but just wanted you to know your not alone, have you ever had dpression of maybe thnk about seeing your gp o even nurse practioner. and i have had to learn to relax a bt and not argue over everything, as it was normallly me that started it to be honest. or maybe a part time job or retrain at college? just something to get out and have other circle of friends, totally un releated to dp/dh and dd/ds?

I think it's hard to find time to talk properly (when you have such a young baby). In fact, it can become hard to have any conversation without showing seething resentment and making it into a competition about who is more miserable . It's that 'whose life has changed the worst' sort of feeling!!

I also think, in the early days of a baby, it is VERY easy to lose sight of all the positives in your relationship because you become so focused on surviving!

Perhaps (if you can), you could sit him down and have a 'yes things have changed but not necessarily for the worst' conversation. It's totally understandable that your sex drive isn't back yet - that can take a while (and being knackered, feeling a bit down doesn't help). But probably from his point of view, sex is important but he may be asking for it a lot also because he's missing the intimacy between the two of you. Could you start off slow and just tell him you feel your sex drive hasn't returned but could you have lots of cuddles without the pressure of sex? Sometimes it takes a bit of practice to get back into the saddle so to speak!

Also, look for baby groups. I know there are none now but they were my mental health saviour when mine were little. Even if they appear mundane, it's a way to get out of the house and have conversations with other adults - it's all too easy to stop doing that!

It will probably take a bit of work from both side but try not to stop talking to each other. It's hard, I know but really...these early months are sent to try you .

ditto foxinsock, the competition as to whose life is worse is so familiar
hang in there though, write him a note if thats easier, i seemed to shut down if i had to talk

oh yes, it's awful really isn't it .

I also think the no sex thing can get out of control. He pesters you for sex, you feel annoyed so withdraw more from him and he, in turn, feels offended and pesters you more. Then you are both full of resentment!

I can only speak for myself but I do know that when I'm unhappy, my sex drive just disappears. Hopefully, if you work on your general happiness, you may find your sex drive starts to come back little by little.

And I know it sounds odd, but really, trying to have no-sex-please cuddles with him, even if you don't feel like it, may start to melt your feelings towards him.

Thank you everyone for your comments - reading them actually made me cry! Which also made me realise I probably am a bit depressed (I've had depression in the past so starting to see similarities). So because I started to cry DP asked what was wrong and we did have a bit of a talk about it which has helped a bit - I know he wants to help but doesn't seem to be able to do anything right!

Definitely true about the 'who's life has changed for the worst' - we're always doing that, even down to us both having colds over christmas and thinking our own was much worse!

worleywinterwonderland - I'm glad you managed to sort things out a bit - I know I need to relax a bit too and realise that DP isn't going to do everything how I want. I've also started to think at least I can watch what I want on TV while he's on the computer!!

I like the idea of having cuddles but have been shying away from any physical contact because when we do DP always wants it to lead to something more. I did just mention that to him as well and he admitted he does always want more than just cuddles! But said he knows I don't so he won't pressure me (if he suggests anything and I turn him down I feel guilty, which I'm sure isn't right in a healthy relationship!)

I have been going to a mother and baby group but its not on for a few weeks over christmas - hopefully once the new year is over and things back to normal I can back into going out and seeing people a bit more. Hopefully going to start taking DS swimming too which I'm very much looking forward to (not sure DS is though!)

Anyway, thanks again - its so reassuring to know I'm not the only one!

can I make a suggestion? It's what I was told when ds was little, and it really worked for us.

It sounds to me like you are trying to do it all. make a list of things you think dh can do to help out. give yourself a break. you'll be less tired and begin to appreciate dh again when you actually see him helping out. poor bugger probably wants to, but seems to be getting it all wrong.

make the list half baby things, and half housework things. I'm trying to remember our list. I think dh did laundry, bed changing, and specific cleaning tasks (bathroom,kitchen etc) and I expressed last feed at night so he could feed, bath and I would go to be early, after a lovely bubbly bath.

most important: get a babysitter in and GO OUT ON A DATE. remind each other why you like each other. you'll talk about baby all night, but it will be brill.

It is really hard, but don't try to do it all yourself.

the feeling guilty thing happens - just try not to let it get to you too much. At least it means you still care about him because it obviously eats at you that you are turning him down.

If you've had depression in the past and feel you may be sliding towards that way, perhaps it is worth a chat to the GP or HV? There are other natural things you can do like trying to get out and exercise, eating healthily, talking (like you're doing) to friends and dh.

This time of year is hard and the weather doesn't help. Whatever you do, don't be too hard on yourself and don't feel alone.

hi, how are you doing today?
what hoxhox said about ging ut on a date is a good idear. it took me years to actually agree to go out with dp and leave ds1 with my parents. all we did was go to the uci or somewhere, just sitting down together with no pressure to talk at all is quite good. and then we would have something to talk about on the way home that wouldnt result in an argument, we would end up having a laugh really, even though it would take me a while to thaw out!!

anyway, hope your ok and feeling a bit happier today.
your not alone if you want to talk

Thanks - I'm feeling ok today. Went for a bike ride this morning which made me feel good - I think part of my problem is not having time to do much exercise at the mo - I used to exercise every day but impossible to get someone to look after DS every day!

Was a bit p*ed off with DP this morning though, he started suggesting sex while DS was lying between us in bed. Sometimes I think he has such a one track mind he forgets DS is even there!! Is it that easy for men to switch off? I'm constantly worrying about DS even when he's asleep!

We've tried splitting tasks before but I seem to notice when things need doing much earlier than he does eg, the bedsheets didn't get changed for weeks until I had to give in because I couldn't bear to sleep on them! He will help but he needs to be reminded and then I feel like an old nag and he gets grumpy!

Definitely a good idea about going out on a date - cinema sounds a good plan.

Hiya, love your username, wanted to call my ds Morrissey but nobody would let me .
Just wanted to echo the date idea, if you've got relatives near-ish do use them, they'll be chuffed to be asked. Any activity where you are both face-to-face rather than watching a screen is better though. A local drop-in salsa class would be even better if you're brave enough.
Also a few practical tips:
Get a family organiser calendar with a column for each of you, WH Smiths do them. Make it the house rule that NOBODY goes out unless it's on the calendar - I had issues with my dh suddenly getting a social life after our 2nd was born leaving me dead-eyed and covered in vomit.
Decide which chores you trust him to do properly and write them in his column for him, one for each day eg empty and put out bins. Also if you tend to go to bed earlier make it his job to load the dishwasher or finish the washing up - whatever it takes for you to come down to a less depressing kitchen in the morning.
When (one day ) one of you goes out alone, write BABY in the other person's column (because he won't look at yours.)
Re exercise, invest in a 2nd hand baby carrier (eg a versatile one like Wilkinet) and go for a good powerwalk everyday.
Anyway, HTH.

Bucketsofdynamite - I considered Morris as a compromise but wasn't allowed!

The calendar idea is good - and I have talked to DP about it not being fair that he can just wander out on his own whereas its just a given that if I go out DS (and all his paraphernalia) will come too! Problem is DP works for himself - he works mainly evenings but does admin stuff in the day so often just pops out to meet people on spur of moment. I have got him to write down which evenings he's working so at least I have some idea whats going on.

I don't mind doing chores so much when I'm on maternity leave but I know that when I go back to work I'll still be doing them so would like to get DP to help a bit more now so he gets into the habit!

Oh so many things! When I was pregnant I (naively) thought DS would make our life complete and little did I realise how much more complicated it makes things! I've spoken to a couple of friends who also said their relationships with their partners changed for the worse after their LOs arrived but they said they're getting better again so there is hope.

Hello, just wanted to say that the family calendar thing is definitely a good idea. My dh does not committ to anything before checking the calendar. Another thing is that we have one night each week where we can each individually go out with friends or go to a class etc. There are some weeks where one of us might go out more or less often but we both know not to plan anything on the other person's night. It is abit anal but just means that we have some space where each of us can just be individuals not a parent or part of a couple!

As others have also said, don't be too hard on yourself. It really takes time to get used to life with a LO, the simplest things have changed now. My biggest shock was that I can no longer just leave the house without doing a check list & taking a million things with me!

Take care Iwould and hope 2007 is great for you.

It does get worse before it gets better, it's the only way you can learn. It's not the baby that brings you closer, it learning to live with a baby that does it. You thought you were close before but as you set up new systems and keep the communication freeflowing (and as uncritical as poss) you'll start to work more like a team than ever before. If he's basically a nice guy at heart, you can programme him to fit his life around the family (not vice versa) and eventually he may even start to predict what needs to be done or that he could do something nice for you just for the sake of it. You've been thrown into the deep end and have had to learn new skills quickly so it's hard not to resent his lack of change but men are just thick .