why am I such a walk over!!!

[hurtandconfued2016]

we bit of background, ex walked out for ow 5 weeks ago on me and my 2 year old son and due to have his daughter in 2 weeks.
well today I'm so angry at myself!! so ex was supposed to have our son today/tonight hadn't heard anything from him in over a week so emailed him ( only way I can contact him as he has blocked my number)
to find out wether he was taking our son to be told that I have to contact his parents about it he wouldn't speak to me!
so I then received an email at 9am to say I will pick Our son up at 1 from our old house! I didn't have any way to get to our old house so he then asked me to walk to the shopping centre which is about a mile away. So I was to walk to the shopping centre and walk back on my own at 37 weeks pregnant?? no care about me or his unborn baby!
then it got to 13:45 still hadn't showed up for our son emailed him again to find out what was happening and he said he had to wait for his dad to wake up to come with him for support!!
when I said I wasn't waiting any longer I was taken our son out he was going in about how I was stopping my son having a relationship with him! that I was using my son to hurt him?
does anyone else think this?
anyway I ended up taken our son to his parents after the park and I tried to explain to him had he emailed to say sorry running late then it could have been different and also that he needs to realize that having 2 children you can't have no contact with the other parent. but he said that's not going to happen.
he was then wanting to drop our son off later (even though he originally asked for him over night) I basically told him no he was having him over night.
any way long post sorry but main point would any other mums do all that to get your son to have a relationship with his dad? I am currently waiting on a letter from the lawyer about access and things like that!
am I being the bad parent here?? he says that I'm using my son as a weapon am I??

I am not asking him to support me in any way shape or form all I am asking is that he can sit in the same room as me for an hour or so that e sees our daughter and has that bond with her that in my eyes every father should have. I am not asking him for contact in regards to anything other than our children. as for his parents taking her away that is not happening 1. I am breastfeeding 2. she will be a brand new baby she is not being taken away from me and our son. if he can't be civil with me for the sake of the children then as harsh as it sounds it will be lawyers that deal with it not a 3rd party.
we have not discussed many things that should have been discussed and it seems he doesn't want to talk about it. there had been emotional scenes between us both as there would be in the breakdown of any relationship.
the work thing is he works very random shifts he doesn't have set days off at all some are night shift some aren't this is why the lawyer has suggested that we get his rota and we sit down and sort out when he is free. I have offered 3 days one being over night which is more than what he thought I was going to give.
the turning of the feelings off is hard but over the past 2 weeks he has shown me he isn't the person that I am in love with he is completely different!

I am asking is that he can sit in the same room as me for an hour

But the point I'm making is that he doesn't want to do that and you can't make him. I'm sorry to be so blunt.

if he can't be civil with me for the sake of the children then as harsh as it sounds it will be lawyers that deal with it not a 3rd party

I'm all for formalized contact arrangements so I'd say that's a good idea, but do think it through first. Be aware that no judge is going to order him to be in your presence, that's just not going to happen, not even because the baby is too small to be separated from you. The judge may well order that he is allowed to see Baby at your place at pre-set times, but no one can make him see her there. If you're EBF (which I did, too), chances are he won't see the baby at all while that continues if he insists on not seeing you. He's cutting off his nose to spite his face, but that's his problem.

But let me speak plainly, if your ex requests third party handoffs, chances are a judge will approve it once the baby is older and you will have NO CHOICE but to cooperate. And unless his parents are really, really awful people, the judge will probably think they are a reasonable choice. So think very carefully before you act. Right now to a certain extent the power is with you. In absence of court order you can decide when, if, and how he sees the children.

For some reason you just seem bound and determined that your ex be forced to see you face to face and I'm just not sure why (nor is it really any of my business). I think you have a much better chance of your children having a good relationship with their father if you back off and let him make his own arrangements based off a proposed schedule submitted by you, within reason of course. Is there a reason why you don't want to give him a schedule?

we have not discussed many things that should have been discussed and it seems he doesn't want to talk about it

Do you mind if I ask what these things are? Because if they aren't about the children, but instead are about the breakdown of the relationship I'm sorry but he's not under obligation to discuss anything with you. And if that's why you're trying to force him to see you, please, please stop. He cheated and probably treated you like dirt. Do you really need to know anymore than that? And what will rehashing the breakup accomplish? It certainly won't help to establish a positive co-parenting relationship.

I haven't said I wouldn't give him a schedule? i have said he can have my son 3 days a week one over night. it is him that won't agree on a schedule?
we currently have a house that we both need to organise and sort out many things for as we are both on the mortgage. we also have to discuss maintenance unless he wants me to take it to csa which I know for a fact he doesn't want to do!
this isn't just we have kids together there is many financial ties as well unfortunately.
I am not being unreasonable and forcing him to do anything what I am trying to do is save him a lot of money in the long run as I know he can't afford lawyers and I also know that this whole situation is hurting him as much as it is hurting me and our son. I have tried to sort out mediation, the house the kids nursery and the financial ties that we have before it got to a court as it is not the way we both wanted it to be in a earlier discussion we had.
if he can't sit in the same room as me then I'm afraid he won't see his daughter and again this is not something I wanted I want him to be in her life as much as he wanted to be but it's just not pysically possible!
as for backing off and letting him make his own arrangements I'm sorry I'm not here to pander to him and have him pick or son and drop him when he feels like it!
he has no issue dropping our child off or picking him up it is the organizing of the contact that he has issues with. he drops him off and picks him up no problem yes a family member is in the car with him but we are the ones that exchange our child.

I guess by 'schedule' I mean specific dates, to be set well ahead of time. Not just 3 days, 1 overnight to be done at his whim. But specific days such as saying in an email 'the week of February 28 you may have DS Monday 2/29 and Thursday overnight through Friday 3/3-3/4. If these days are not acceptable you will need to provide me with alternate dates for that week NO LATER than Thursday 2/25'. If as you say he knows his rota 8 weeks ahead he should have no problem either complying with those dates or asking for different dates within that week. If he doesn't comply or says he 'can't' that's not your problem. It's all about getting some consistency for your DS. As he and DD get older, a regular schedule will be very important for their sense of stability. Not this harum scarum last minute crap, especially after they start school.

I think what I'm saying is that you have to take back what control you can, while also realizing that there are some things you will not be able to control.

As far as the non-child related things, if you are married see a solicitor if you can afford it. If he can't afford it that's not your problem. Otherwise anything and everything can be done by letter or email. After all, that's what an attorney would do and it's always better to have a written record. Saving him money isn't your responsibility, either. And do take the maintenance to CSA, again it's not your responsibility to keep him 'happy'.

Do you see that you are creating situations in which you believe he will 'have to' see you when in reality it can be handled in another fashion and he knows that? I think you will heal faster and things will run more smoothly, certainly you'll be less upset, if you just accept that he will not see you, or at least he will not see you alone.

I don't want you to think I'm on 'his side', I'm not. I just think you're putting obstacles in the way of your own recovery and 'moving on' with your own life.

I agree with Accrossthepond, email communication direct with the father regarding the children is perfectly reasonable.

You can't force him to be a decent father only he can do that, I don't know if the GF is leading much of this or if he is simply a complete knob, either way they are welcome to each other.

I know it's a very difficult time for you but for your own emotional wellbeing you need to let go and leave him to do what he chooses to do, yes children deserve better and he may regret it but it's out of your control.

He treats you like a irrelevant irratant - just concentrate on you and your relationship with your children.

I know it's not easy, so pleased that you have support at home.

I am not allowed to email him! I am only allowed to call his parents and get them to pass a message on!
I was more than happy to have contact regarding the children via email but he doesn't want that.

as for the recovery and getting over what has happened I am trying to do this but he fact that in less than 2 weeks I go into hospital to have our daughter! it is not as easy to move on with my life wen I have this major event to go thru! I could see me getting on with my life if I wasn't due to have his baby but I am.
as for contacting him sorting out children contact I won't be doing anything any more I have laid my cards on the table he can be a "man" and step up for his kids for the past 6 weeks I have tried to let him see our son as much as possible and not any more he wants to see them then he can contact me if he can't even send an email well that's his choice!

But this is part of what I'm saying. Who says you are 'not allowed' to email him? Is there a court order? No? Then you are under no obligation to obey his 'command'. You can choose to do what works best for you, and if it were me, email would work best. There is a written record, unlike phone messages which you say are not always passed on correctly. Plus I certainly wouldn't want to be speaking to someone who dislikes me (as you say his parents do). That must be unpleasant! Unless of course, you don't have an email address for him. In which case, the ball is in his court. He can contact you and you can decide if what he wants is convenient. I still think a pre-set schedule that can be adjusted in advance would be better, but if you don't want to push for that, it's your business.

The fact that you are getting ready to have your baby (yours, not his iyswim) is all the more reason to remove any sources of tension or irritation from your life. To regain what control you can, even if it is small ways. And your saying "I've laid my cards on the table, it's up to him now" is a good start. Good for you! Now just back away. But remember that you don't have to let him lead you by the nose. You don't have to accept last minute phone calls for access nor do you need to run yourself ragged to get your child to him. I'm sure you remember how time consuming and routine-breaking a new baby can be! The last thing you're going to need is someone calling and saying 'I want to see XXX today' when you're exhausted or had other plans for the day.

Remember the phrase 'That doesn't work for me'. It fits a lot of situations. Don't be afraid to use it!

he has said that he will not reply to my emails and that he has put them into his junk mail so he doesn't see them!
I prefer email for the reasons you have stated there is a record and the message is clear and straight to the point no passing info around.
I have pushed for a set schedule hence the asking for his rota so we could figure out days he is available to have him and days he isn't. but he is saying he will not tell me his rota as the days he isn't working he needs to have a life so it's not my business.
just an example of the way he is here so I had asked 3 weeks ago if he could have our son on the 13th 14th 15th because my mum was in hospital getting cancer treatment and yesterday he had a go at me for asking him to look after him on those days! btw he only had him for 24hrs from the Sunday at 2 till Monday at 2 as he didn't want him on the other day and didn't want him any later on the Monday. now he had a go at me when dropping our son off that I ruined his plans etc etc even though I have him 3 weeks notice and also didn't know he was in a relationship so didn't think I was doing wrong but in his head I was.
I am more than done trying to get him to be a father he know where my son is he knows when his daughter is due and he knows my email/phone number if he is unable to deal with it then it will be lawyers.

he has said that he will not reply to my emails and that he has put them into his junk mail so he doesn't see them! I prefer email for the reasons you have stated there is a record and the message is clear and straight to the point no passing info around.

Not your problem if you communicate with him and he chooses to ignore you. You let him know ONCE that this is the ONLY way you will communicate, he can take it or leave it. You're allowing him to control you.

I have pushed for a set schedule hence the asking for his rota so we could figure out days he is available to have him and days he isn't. but he is saying he will not tell me his rota as the days he isn't working he needs to have a life so it's not my business.

Fine, he won't let you know, you set up a schedule that works for you. If he doesn't like that tough. Again, you set the schedule far enough in advance that, given that he knows his rota, he can request adjustments in enough time that it doesn't disrupt your plans.

just an example of the way he is here so I had asked 3 weeks ago if he could have our son on the 13th 14th 15th because my mum was in hospital getting cancer treatment and yesterday he had a go at me for asking him to look after him on those days! btw he only had him for 24hrs from the Sunday at 2 till Monday at 2 as he didn't want him on the other day and didn't want him any later on the Monday. now he had a go at me when dropping our son off that I ruined his plans etc etc even though I have him 3 weeks notice and also didn't know he was in a relationship so didn't think I was doing wrong but in his head I was.

Well, first don't ever depend on him for childcare. I'm sorry, but that's the way it has to be. You should be able to, but you can't. And if he kicks off at you, you walk away or put down the phone. You do not have to take verbal crap from him. His 'life', his 'plans', his 'relationship', his 'head' are not your concern. I don't know if he's programmed you to accept his abuse or if you are just a glutton for punishment, but there are so many ways you can take back your life and you just aren't doing them.

I am more than done trying to get him to be a father he know where my son is he knows when his daughter is due and he knows my email/phone number if he is unable to deal with it then it will be lawyers.

Atta girl! Now stick to that. Frankly, I'd see a lawyer now. Not to start anything, but to get a good idea of what your options and legal responsibilities truly are.

Good for you, that's the spirit. I'm sorry you also have the worry of your Mum's treatment, he really is a cruel man for not being reasonable.

I think if you don't come to an agreement then mediation will be suggested. I wonder if he would be this unreasonable if front of another human being.

I know it's really tough on you right now, but I hope in time you will realise that you are so much more better off without a man like this.

I have tried to sort mediation out and when ever I mention it to him all he says is I don't have anything to speak to you about. am I seeing our son or not? he doesn't think having everything. else including a schedule for the kids sorted is a priority.
I have already been to a lawyer and he will be receiving a letter today or tomorrow Which asks for a rota to sort out contact, what contact I am willing to offer for our son and baby, also that there has to be a line of communication with him wether it be a phone number or email address. so shall see what happens when he receives this.
I think I was just being so stupid and naive thinking if I let him make all the choices and plans then he might come back but I have realized that ain't happening. I mean don't get me wrong I am still grieving for the relationship that I had and what I thought was going to be the happiest day of our life's but I deserve better than what I had being his mother/partner with no thanks. my children also deserve better than being left for hours with the same nappy and not being fed!
I just can't wait to have baby recover and then get my own little place with the 2 kids and get my life back and become the person I was!

I meant the courts or his solicitor suggesting mediation to help sort arrangements out.

Wait to see what if any response the sol letter brings. Don't send too many though as if it's not being sent to his solicitor then its only costing you money. I know it's early days and sorry if I missed it but I trust he is paying maintenance?

I know you are grieving for the relationship but he really is treating you and your child +baby appallingly, hence my comment along the lines that you deserve better. Seems like you are getting to that place yourself.

Carry on looking to your future. X

no he isn't paying maintenance.
we had an agreement that he would pay the mortgage and council tax and I wouldn't take anything for the kids this includes me buying everything baby needs (pram and all of that stuff)
which when I seen the lawyer it turns out even paying the mortgage and council tax he would still owe me money at the end of it. I am paying the gas and electric he was paying the tv and virgin (which he should have cancelled a few weeks ago but hasn't). he took the car and took me off the insurance so I have no ties to that now.
he has said that I am living this life of luxury not having to pay for the house. it seems he thinks kids are free and being on mat pay I am rolling in it haha!

And your solicitor has all that in hand?

He is paying the mortgage or he would have bad credit! Plus legally the house is still partly his anyway, so no, not very generous of him and as you said doesn't feed the children.

Has he always told you how things are going to be or is this a new character trait since leaving?

I am with the others.... as annoying as the situation is you now need to step back and let the solicitors letter sink in.
There are some things you literally cannot control.
I would state that your son is available (by email) every Wednesday and eow from Fri evening to sun evening (for example). Then just leave it with him.
You cannot make him be a good father. Keep the door open but do not change plans or be a doormat. Let the solicitor sort out your house and when your daughter is born register with csa.
Build your unit and Don't chase. No facilitating drop offs etc. I have three boys and two hardly see their 'father'. I took a while for me to see things with regard to whether he would step up but it's his loss and they very much know who was here for them....
You can do this :) now is not the time to get mad though you should be chilling and getting ready X

yes solicitor knows everything. I have sent all my emails and things that I have sent to him about contact and the birth. as I said earlier he had already said he isn't coming to the section as he can't stand to be around me.
yeah he doesn't see it that way the way he sees it is he doesn't have enough money to have a life (his exact words btw!)
no he never ever ever treated me like this when we where together. he said I was emotionally abusive in the relationship because I would ask why he hadn't cleaned up when I was at work and he was off also why he hadn't fed our ds. things like that made me emotionally abusive apparently.
he literally never put an input into anything (not even our daughters name) so this is a very different person from what I have known. I do know that before when he separated from a partner he would cut all contact and never speak to them again but we have kids doesn't work like that!

Your last three posts show that you are starting to wake up from a long, long sleep nightmare. Very good!!! You've taken the right actions and now it can be handled by solicitors or mediation.

So he has nothing to speak to you about? Good! YOU have nothing to say to him because you have handed 'the fight' off to those who are equipped to deal with it. Most solicitors prefer that the interested parties not communicate directly. They don't want the waters muddied with their clients discussing matters without their advice. Now concentrate on you, DS, and DD.

Hopefully he'll get the letter before he next 'deigns' to see his own son. And hopefully the letter states that he needs to communicate with your solicitor if he has any 'problems' with the arrangements suggested. At any rate, if he contacts you I'd probably not answer the phone or the door. Not to him, not to his parents. Why subject yourself to abuse. He's been given a method of communication (email), he can use that and stop trying to control everything.

You weren't being stupid to hope or believe that he might come back. Naive, maybe, depending on the specifics of the break-up (and I'm NOT asking for them, none of my business). And you still are 'the person you were'. It's just that that person has so much to deal with that she just can't surface right now.