This is driving me mad, so I'm going to put it in writing and hope it eases the knot I carry around.
I’m 25 years into our relationship. We’ve been married for 22 years. One child of 16, due to take GCSEs this year.
The passion waned years ago, but we got along - I guess we've both put up with periods of dissatisfaction and carried on. I care about him, for old times' sake, but I'm fighting a constant battle in my head to stay with him. He’s funny, faithful, can be thoughtful and is laidback. That’s the good part. If we carry on though, I feel I might lose that good feeling too. Here are the bad bits:
He doesn’t contribute financially to our family. After losing his fairly well-paid job about 7 years ago, he hasn't got another reliable one. He gets paid in cash (part time job) and it never reaches the bank account. He spends it on beer (which he drinks at home - he doesn’t get drunk, but the amount he drinks has steadily increased), weed and top-up shopping (loaf of bread, milk etc which he picks up when he goes to buy his beer). This wouldn’t be so bad if I earned a fortune but I don’t - I've upped my wages since he lost his job, but not enough to cover the shortfall. We struggle and sink further into the red each month. I’ve explained this to him and asked him to put money into the bank but he never does.
He is selfish and everything seems like too much effort for him. For instance, he won’t put himself out to pick up our daughter from events and wouldn’t give us a lift to a stressful hospital appointment for her – we had to get buses and a taxi. That’s what’s really eroded what respect I’ve got left for him.
I think he is depressed but he does nothing to help himself – ie go to doctor. He’s been depressed before and it was torture for several years, walking on egg-shells through the gloom he cast all around himself. He did at least get help then and got through it.
In the past few weeks he seems to have changed. He’s picking little arguments, criticising things I do and efforts I make to save money. He lives in a fantasy world about money and gets irritable about our lack of it but does nothing to generate more (like get a full time job – he has a bank of excuses which cover everything from a bad back to looking after the dog).
We don’t communicate much any more and have little in common. He sits in “his” room (best heated room in the house, incidentally!) and my daughter and I sit in the living room. We all meet up at mealtimes. He doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. We rub along okay, but the money thing is starting to worry me to the point that I am losing weight (silver lining!). We just got through last year by cashing in an investment and living on that. Our retirement plans are now ruined. I’ve explained we no longer have any cushions, but he just nods and says “we” need to earn more.
I’m getting to the point of wanting to leave as otherwise I feel I’m just waiting for the undertakers. My only role seems to be as a breadwinner, parent (to my husband as much as our daughter) and household manager. He’s not happy with me either (not as a wife, anyway), I just need him to face that (I’ve broached this in the past and he says that I’m not making him unhappy – more likely he just needs me to pay his way).
Why don’t I leave?: daughter already stressed about looming GCSEs and don’t want to add to her burdens. Don’t want to be the bad guy in this and really don’t want to cause upset for anyone. And, it will be financially disastrous for us both – house in such a dilapidated state it will not fetch much if we sell it - not enough to set up in two separate households, for sure.
Just needed to get that out of my head - it's been whirling around inside me for so long. No family nearby and no friends to talk it through with.