Thinking of disclosing past abuse by ex to me and my daughter to school mum- How wise is this?

[thejanuarys]

History: I suffered for years at the hand of controlling abuser. He went on to abuse my daughter, and then after his final physical assault on me resulting in my broken nose, damage to my jaw and my left knee, I got a Non-Mol against him, he had to leave the house and then separation happened. So far, so grim.

I continued my life, and he had contact with my daughter. Long history - just know the family courts are not hot on domestic violence victims and are willing to give abuser contact. See Women's Aid's campaigns re this.

My question is: Should I tell a school mum all about the past of my abuser and his current - hidden from school parents - abuse of my daughter. I have handled this quietly to safeguard my daughter.

However, abuser is charming and has gotten many school parents on 'his side' - I am totally reticent to have any contact with him - public or private. The school parents can't seem to understand why I'm this way. And some have 'protected' me from him - but only because it was 'polite' to do so.

I'm now thinking of telling one 'influential' school mum so she can 'get my back' if anyone says anything untoward about me. I know stuff has been said as some whom I had really good school drop off/pick up chats with are 'turning' away / 'not catching my eye' even though I have caught theirs. Most of the time I'm so busy with stuff my daughter and I are doing that I don't care. But sometimes it really hurts. A few recent examples.

So - do I let in this one mum with all the gruesome details, or will this expose my daughter to gossip which will backfire on her? I want to keep her innocence as much as possible

Mindful that I am still keeping silence for controlling abuser. Mindful also that my actions are still controlled by my ex's reactions so I stay still.
Any thoughts??

Honestly, you're probably already a topic of speculation and gossip. If he's said anything they're assuming things based on what he's said.

You could try saying: "no-one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors" OR if the non-mol is still active you could tell them that

Or you could be blunt "yes I thought he was funny too, until he broke my nose for the *th time"

Anyone who blindly believes him isn't worth your time. You shouldn't need to explain your personal business to every person you meet. You don't want to speak to him so that should be respected.

Just to clarify, police were involved, as were social services and police. But police stated 'best not to press charges, just get Non-Molestation order against him' (paraphrasing - it seemed like good advice then as it seemed such a simple immediate solution. I was Wrong. Learning curve. Always press charges - I now know.)

Social services, sadly, were ineffectual - long saga - but a controlling abuser is very persuasive. (This can be explored in another thread, but social workers were formally reprimanded - didn't help me and my daughter).

I have had a huge learning curve - all the changes to the system being imposed on us - health services, social services, police service, judiciary, legal aid - I was on the cusp of all these changes. And I can imagine now that women and children who experience a controlling abuser will get a raw deal as well.

'My' controlling abuser is educated, well spoken, charming, seemingly affable. It's not how my daughter and I (or to come to it even his friends) know him, but it is how the outside world - including the peripheral school world - know him.

I made the decision years ago that I would only tell my daughter the full extent of the horror I experienced, and the horror she experienced when she was younger when she turned 18 years old. Then she can make up her own mind. Obviously along the way, she will know that the experience she has with her father is unpleasant. And she comes back and just wants hugs, and for me to read her her baby books, and just to 'be'. And I accept that role as her mother. I help her erase all the bad things she experiences. And when she wants to talk about it, we talk.

But I feel a weight on me. Ideally he would be out of my and my daughter's life for good. But he is not. And he is imposing upon me more and more.

Hence my thoughts of screaming to the high heavens ..... or just maybe confiding in one mum so she can get my back in school situation..

How often is he at the school gates? What a frustrating situation for you. I can really see your dilemma, but still say your best policy is to say nothing. Primary school won't last forever. Lots of people will see through him. Don't back off from the mums, or assume you know what he may be saying. Keep smiling and be friendly, as you losing this circle of friends sounds like what he wants.

My dad was abusive and when my parents finally split up, with the help of police and social services, there was an article about it in the local paper. God knows why. A couple of girls at my school asked me about it (implying that he had been painted in a bad light) and I remember saying, things are not always as they seem, in a very wise, knowing voice There may well have been gossip about it but I never heard anything else.

Obvs if someone says something, you respond. "I don't know why you left him, he's so funny" would get "Well, being married to him wasn't funny at all, let me tell you" or "People aren't always the same at home as they are in public, are they" and a swift change of subject.

All I'm saying is that I wouldn't start the conversation.

My ex sounds very similar and we also lived in a small town. My 'troubles' were plastered all over the local newspaper at the time when he went to court for DV against me. He did the same to his next partner and the one after that. He has at least three non mols against him in the past. However, the small town thing kicks in and you find people come out with rubbish like 'well he's always been fine with me' or 'I've known him since we were kids and never had any problems' or 'I speak as I find'

If I'm asked what happened I speak up. I'm aware that not everyone will believe me as the ex has an excuse for everything. He says he only pleaded guilty at the magistrates court as he didn't have time for it to go to crown court or even worse, he pulls out his standard sympathy card about his dad dying when he was 11 and how he has unresolved issues.

In your shoes, I would probably throw a little comment out there and let them work it out for themselves. Don't expect everyone to suddenly shun him though (although they should)

I'd do it. Why should you be placed in a defensive position when he can swan around manipulating all around him? Trust your instincts and disclose to the parent the back story to your avoidance of him.
I'm with those who get angry at victim blaming and maintaining silences - why should abusers be protected? Who knows, you just may prevent another woman being sucked in by his so called charm. And hold your head up. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm sorry you went through such a tough time. I don't think you should do this. It's essentially playing a game with hoping that you win. It can always backfire and leave you worse off. If you feel there are people worthy of this information but for the right reasons then it's wise to disclose, else best to just not say anything.

I made the decision years ago that I would only tell my daughter the full extent of the horror I experienced, and the horror she experienced when she was younger when she turned 18 years old.

Is this something you've discussed with social services, her pastoral care worker at school, CAMHS etc? Because I understand you're doing it with the best of intentions, but from the point of view of an abused child, you are normalising his abuse and pretending it didn't happen, which is absolutely the worst message ever to give to a survivor of child abuse.

Not RTFT, just your responses but...

I would say let it all hang out - tell anyone who asks - abusive ex, mentally abused kids who went no contact aged 9 & 10, so speaking from experience. Its his shame, not yours or your kids. If your kid ever says anything to her friends, it good that the parents already knows. I had some interesting conversations with my kids friends parents after they had said things to them.

Anyone who only knows his side will believe everything he tells them. At least give them the opportunity of hearing the other side. In all honesty no-one is likely to say to him "your ex said this about you".

We both worked in the same Business School so literally know 1000s of the same people. But everyone who worked with both of us knows whats happened and has no trouble believing it. I have updated these people, when I see them, so its not daily as I no longer work there, but see them regularly. No one has said anything to him, for lots of reasons. But I cannot even imagine how that conversation would start.

I mean the reality of the situation is that you have a non-mol order against him. I would say what he did to you, say that your daughter also suffers. You don't need to be evangelical about it, but do be honest. I would also truthfully answer any questions that your daughter puts to me.

I have done this, and sometimes I find myself slightly fudging an issue, because they are too young to know (that he raped me and coerced me into sexual things that I loathed). But they do know that he hurt me, because they asked. They know I was raped when I was a kid, because that was an appropriate conversation at the time they asked.

The thing is that kids that suffer from abuse are so grown up in many ways, and that creates its own issues. They can feel isolated from their peer group because they have not had similar experiences. So who can they talk to?

Is it too late to go back to the police and prosecuted for the broken nose now?

I have done the same as wallywobbles and let it all hang out. I've not told school mums as the question has not arisen, but friends and family all know, as do school teachers. They keep an eye out for my DDs and all let me know if they feel the girls are feeling down or in need of extra support.

I started off thinking deep down it was my fault for leaving my shitty ex, but after some good counselling I truly believe I did the best thing for my daughters and it was a decision I had to make rather than a choice. So if anyone asks I feel totally at ease with my decision to leave him and split up the family blah blah blah.

I'm not going to hide because I've done nothing wrong. DDs all witnessed the violence and I openly cite this as the reason I left daddy, and I let them know they should always do the same if they grown up and their partner hits them. They are young - 8, 6 and 3 but I have tried to normalise my leaving him as a reasonable thing to do. I tried to hide it from my eldest to begin with but the absence of discussion meant she couldn't digest or process what happened to her. Which upset and confused her more.

I don't embellish the truth or add in juicy details, but it is what it is. Make it cold, emotionless and factual if you do tell.

But my ExH lives 2h away and doesn't share a school gate.

It's not an easy decision. My worry with telling in your situation would be that he would then make up shit about you in response to you exposing him as a grade A bastard.

I would tell one the truth and add that you are terrified your daughter finds out how abusive he was. One of them will fall for him, that's what he's after. You have no shame - it's his appalling behaviour.

I don't know if would get back to him though. It might. But it's more likely that the one or two mums that know will avoid him, and others will treat him just the same.

i dont think you need to be secretive about it, or make a big thing. just be honest.

He was physically abusive and you ended up with several broken bones the last time he was violent, he seems lovely, but he's not.

I think you should be able to tell and he's counting on you not telling (because he will then say you are vindictive and spiteful or a liar).

However, he is at the gates for the reason to upset you. Don't give him the drama. I'd avoid the school when he is there, and if you tell anyone make sure it's a school official/proncipal.

Forgot to thank all for your advice. Just re-read it and it really helps put the emotions in context.

Your advice proved to be the 'cooling off' period I needed. I haven't said anything, but if the issue arises, I'm going to be cool and just say it matter of factly.

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