Did I overreact...?

[LiamsMum]

Would really appreciate some help from you ladies.. A short bit of history, when I found out I was pregnant (my son was born July 2000) my dh was very upset about it, and this came as a big shock to me. He never indicated that he felt so strongly about it. He does have two much older children from a previous marriage, but they have never lived with us - we only see them occasionally now as they are 15 and 19. His reaction was so bad that I truly thought my marriage was over and I was depressed and scared for the entire pregnancy. He grew a bit distant towards me and would not talk to me about it, so whatever was happening to me during my pregnancy (my first pregnancy), I couldn't discuss it with him. I had to talk to my mother or my friends about it. Even the night before my son was born, dh told me that he didn't want this situation in his life, and that it would change everything. I spent many, many nights unable to sleep and cried a lot throughout the 9 months - this will absolutely be my only child. Anyway, dh managed to accept ds after he was born and things eventually came good. (We received a huge amount of support from my parents). Now, a couple of years later, a woman that works in dh's office is pregnant for the first time and she is excited about it. He is quite friendly with her and they discuss her pregnancy a lot at work - he asks her how she is feeling, what changes are happening to her, and generally takes an interest. I don't know what happened this morning but dh and I were in a bookshop together (we are hardly EVER go shopping together), and he sees a video of a TV series that was on a while ago - it was a lovely series about babies and how they grow month by month in the womb, etc. Anyway he said to me, "I'd like to buy this video for Melissa". (It cost $50 but he said he would charge it to the company.) It was kind of like a knife going into me. I got tears in my eyes and I said to him, "how could you take such an interest in her pregnancy and you never gave a crap about mine." I basically went all irrational and told him I was going home. He said that it was my problem because I couldn't let go of the past, but it was just in that instant that I felt so hurt. He told me I was getting upset over nothing, so I just said "forget it" and walked away. I had a good sob afterwards but now I'm wondering if it was an overreaction - would anyone else have done the same? I always come away feeling as though I am the one who's in the wrong. Thanks for your help.

Liamsmum, I don't think you're over-reacting / being irrational, I'm sure I would have felt exactly the same as you. It's soooo annoying how men always do that "just chill" reaction, and refuse to take feelings seriously. Sorry, I'm not one of those who can offer words of wisdom (trouble being barely coherent at this time of the morning), but just wanted to offer support.

Liamsmum, no way would I say you overreacted! I would have been so angry/upset/hurt...luckily I have not been in the same situation, but I honestly think I would have reacted the same way. Men are programmed so differently from us. They just don't get it sometimes, do they? They are creatures of reason and concrete items, women are creatures of emotion. I'm sure he genuinely can't understand why you are upset about his behaviour, even though it is so obvious to any woman seeing your situation! You must try to talk to him about this, tell him how you feel, eg "when you seem so interested in Melissa's pregancy, it makes me feel rejected and hurt, because you seemed so distant and uninterested when I was pregnant. You seem to be there for her as you never were for me, and I really needed you, I just really missed it. When you wanted to buy her the video, it really hit me how much I wanted that from you." Don't attack him, just state as calmly as you can how his behaviour makes you feel. HTH, let us know how it goes.

I don't think you're overreacting at all. Don't mean to make you feel worse but why is he so interested in Melissa's pregnancy ? I do think it's a little odd. Men just don't think sometimes. I think it's awful how unsupportive he was through your pregnancy.

I agree with Mollipops. You should talk to him and explain how you feel.

Liamsmum, Is it possible that he is taking an interest in her pregnancy because he now feels guilty about missing out on yours??
Men have a problem with showing feelings but maybe if you tried to sit down with him and talk calmly you may find he wished he'd taken more of an interest in your pregnancy

LiamsMum, I would have probably reacted the same and think his behaviour in your pregnancy was terrible, has he ever apologised BTW?
One thing though, this lady's pregancy will never affect his life, ie it's not his baby, so maybe he can show interest, etc, almost as a way of being polite knowing that he doesn't have to father it, which was obviously his worry with your pregnancy. It is a totally different situation than with you. I am not in any way using this as an excuse for how he treated you though.

I agree with Sister, exactly what I was going to say!

Liamsmum, you didn't overeact - it was inevitable that something so upsetting to you could never be held back for ever. You are entitled to rant at him. This was a momentous event in you life which you probablt imagined would be a wonderful experience and it wasn't because he put his feelings before yours. It is easy for him to be interested in his colleagues pregnancy because it will not affect his life - there is no emotional attachment just friendly interest. He can go home and her baby will not be in his life. If he was so strongly against having more children he should have said before you married - after all you had no children before he met you so he must have thought you may like some. I am sorry that every time you think of your pregnancy it will be tinged with regrets - tell him to consider life from someone elses point of view for a change.

Hi LiamsMum - you definately didn't overreact - How awful to go through your pregnancy alone like that especially if you are planning that you won't have any more children. It can be such a special time and you didn't get the chance to share the excitement and happiness with the father of your baby. I admire the fact that you got through it essentially without him.
How can you forget the past if he has never acknowleged how it hurt you or apologised. I understand what you said about it being like a knife going into you when he wanted to buy the video for his work colleague. I would feel just the same.
I have posted a few times when I've had problems and sometimes people said how about showing your husband this thread. I never quite dared to do it but maybe it would work for you? What it did do was give me the courage to talk to my husband - having advice and support here, knowing I wasn't alone made me feel much braver and more confident that I wasn't wrong.
It would help I'm sure if you could talk and he could be sorry that you feel upset even if not managing to be sorry about what he did.
I really hope that you can work things out together - thinking of you, Keziah

Thank you so much for your messages of support. Mollipops when you say don't attack him, I know you're right, but I've done it a few times now out of hurt and frustration. It all comes rolling off your tongue and a few minutes later you regret everything you've just said. What gets me down is sometimes I think about how selfish he's been, then I attack him, then I think how horrible I'VE been. We have a few months with no fighting and everything's good, then something will spark it off. Oh well, back to the drawing board (sigh). Anyway I'm glad to hear that many of you would have felt the same way... I don't feel quite so guilty now!

Liamsmum, just to say that I would have done the same as you and then blamed myself for overreacting but if , as in this case, it had happened to someone else, it would occur to me to blame them. In other words, I think I am (and possibly, you are too?) too harsh on ourselves - it was a totally natural reaction, i don't think that sort of hurt will go away until many years have passed by...

BTW, has your dh ever apologised for his behaviour (not his feelings, as these cannot be helped) during your pregnancy? Personally, I find it easier to "move on" when my dh accepts responsibility and apologises then when he just ignores my reaction.

To answer your questions, dh said to me only about two days ago that he "kind of regretted the way that he reacted about my pregnancy, but that it's in the past and there's nothing that can be done about it now." It was 'sort of' an apology, I suppose, but it came very late and wasn't very heartfelt if you know what I mean. Deep down he might be very sorry, but I know that for him to actually face how bad it was for me would be very difficult because he hates to be seen to be responsible for something. Whenever we have any problems, he usually intimates that it's my fault and that I'm the one with the problem, if you know what I mean? This is probably a male trait, but not a very nice once. I think that's why I tend to feel like I'm always in the wrong.

Liamsmum, have you ever thought about couple's therapy? I don't know how common it is over here, but it sounds to me like the problems you are having with your husband are communication ones and that you both still love each other. It might be really useful to discuss them together with a mediator to help "translate." Also, there is a great book called "You Just Don't Understand" by Deborah Tannen which is all about communications between partners. The hard bit is getting your husband to read it too. Good luck. I had terrible communication problems with my first husband and our marriage did not survive it.

Liamsmum if it is any comfort , your dhs mitigating plea of "well perhaps I was at fault but it is in the past so lets forget it" is EXACTLY how my dh deals with and bad stuff we go through. From this hightly scientific sample of two, maybe it's a man thing?

As a matter of interest my sister is married to a lovely caring man who is ALWAYS happy to discuss his feelings, their relationship etc. It was one of the main things which attracted her to him....now it drives her crazy