Feeling a bit sad 😢

[AnnP1963]

I came onto Mumsnet a couple of weeks ago and everyone was just so kind and nice I just felt I had to come back and tell you what happened. I have a wonderful daughter of 21 she is a nurse and works hard. Last year her boyfriend dumped her out of the blue he did it by text. Needless to say it broke her heart. I went into supportive mum mode and helped were I could I didn't interfere but listened endlessley. During this year my daughter has dated a few guys one she found really funny but they are just better off friends. About two months ago she met this lad he came round and I just found him abit creepy, very rehearsed and automatic I didn't say anything to her but told my husband who I have to confess thought I was nuts!
For the past 8 weeks I have watched my daughter try to make this how she wanted he was kindness itself but so boring you wouldn't believe. He never wanted to introduce her to any of his family brother, mother any of them I smelt a rat. Call it women's intuition so here is the thing they have booked to go to Paris for 4 days and now today she comes home and says she feels nothing for him. There is no spark, no spark, I could have told her that 4 weeks ago. All I want her to do is be happy go and have some fun. Buy handbags and shoes go on Ho,I day with her friends and live a little. She has started going to the gym and is feeling more confident about herself and I think this has not helped. So on Thursday I have to wave goodbye to my daughter at the airport knowing she is going away with someone who she has no feelings for. That is going to be hard how do I keep upbeat I am so sad.
Help required please lovely ladies.

It's interesting to hear this from a Mums perspective and it's lovely to hear that you want the best for your daughter. When I split with my boyfriend because there was no spark my parents thought I'd done the wrong thing.

Is she planning on ending things?

In the kindest possible way I think you are a little over-invested.

Just because your daughter doesn't feel a spark with him doesn't mean you were right to 'smell a rat' about him. Her not fancying him doesn't mean he isn't a perfectly nice guy.

To be honest I think she's being unkind letting it drag on, giving him false hope and going on holiday with him. Why doesn't she just tell him how she feels, they could go as friends, or he could take someone else? How soul destroying for him to be getting excited about a romantic trip, when she is inevitably going to break up with him.

But at the end of the day she's a grown up. She may need you for advice, or to comfort her after a broken heart, but if her love life is upsetting you this much then I think you need to back off a little.

Just give her the benefit of your wisdom and say does she understand that she really doesn't have to go to Paris? It may be really awkward and upsetting if he is expecting a romantic weekend and all that entails and she is cringing and hating it all (or worse).

All you want for her is that she is happy and going on this trip will almost certainly make her unhappy. Maybe help her to rehearse her lines in letting him down gently. Not by text, obviously.

Hope it works out ok. You are a Very Nice Mum.

Matilda the cat thank you for the bottom of my heart. I just feel so upset for him and for her. He is a nice boy but I do Ho estate think there is something he is hiding and I dont know what and it is not my place to say or indeed to even ask. You know you just get a feeling. Her confidence was so low after she broke up with her old boyfriend she felt fat unloved and incredibly hurt. All I want is what is best for her and if there is no spark there is no spark. She feels so so sad about the break and is at a loss as yo what to do I think she wants Togo as friends but I just don't know. All I can think of what if he gets nasty to her abroad , as you can imagine as any parent that is pretty scary stuff. She is not a horrible girl and she has had horrible things said to her last year and that is playing heavily on her mind. Stuck here with this one.😪

Bless you your parents should have u at the foremost of their minds x

Yes, I think you are over invested too.

Why is she going away with him?

It sounds like something feels really off about him. I get it. Have you told your daughter you think there's something off about him ? I would. Why is she continuing to spend time with him if she feels nothing for him ?

I just feel so upset for him and for her.
You are totally over involved in this. Stop!

I can understand how it comes across like that. I really can I think possibly because I have spelled all my feelings out on here. I can assure u I don't talk to my daughter like this any of them! My eldest daughter went through make ups and break ups and I completely understand its normal but last year she was just so blindsided by her boyfriend and she was so hurt we found small pieces of paper she had left on the side in her bedroom ( I suspect they were left there for her sister to see, they share a room). They said things like 'loose weight' 'think before I speak' 'be more positive' the list just went on it was totally heartbreaking. I suppose I just want her to be happy after all of that. Honestly there is nothing more sinister than that. You know you look at your kids and you know if they look really happy, they sit next to each other in the house, they laugh with this lad there was none of that. I have learnt over the passage of time and through two daughters two goddaughters not to open my mouth , just to nod and smile and let them find their feet. This just had me stumped I felt so sorry for her as she got herself in a pickle. Do you think I should say something to her I have just vented on here.

It doesn't matter whether you have said anything to her or not.

It's not normal to feel so affected by your children's relationships.

I disagree. I think it can be normal. I certainly will feel this way about dd and ds, and my mum feels similarly about me. Just be there for her op. She sounds sensible and like she's i. Touch with her own self which is good.

I think you sound like a lovely mum who obviously cares about her daughter and wants the best for her. I don't think that's being over involved. It's only being over involved if you start meddling in the relationship. But as your daughter already confided in you she doesn't feel a spark I think you're perfectly entitled to give your opinion, as I'm guessing she will value it.

I think the kindest thing you can do for her is continue to be loving and help her build her self esteem. Help her understand that she has no obligation to be in this relationship is it doesn't make her happy and that it's perfectly ok to be single. She shouldn't base her self worth on the opinions of a boyfriend.

I'm wondering if she was so low and so hurt that her self esteem was so damaged that she feels she can't leave a relationship? Maybe because she thinks it's better than being alone or going through another relationship? I think relationships get very complex when self confidence and past hurt are involved.

And of course if things go wrong make sure that you are always there to pick up the pieces!

Teaandcakeat8 thank you for your replies. She has gone to work today and told me on the way in she is having a down day. I didn't push it i just nodded like the dutiful Mum. I forgot it was a year ago today that she split up with her boyfriend of two years. He has the lovely family, nice car, good job, and even a flat. But now i can see that he also fell out of love with my daughter and it really would not have mattered what she did she would never have been right because you can't put in what isn't there. I think that is how she feels aboutthis young lad, i don't know i'm only just thinking about it now wth my morning cup of tea. All i would like to do as a Mum is sweep her up and let her know she is amazing she doesn't need to overthink things and that she will be ok. However i can't because shes at work i'm here and i have a busy day. In preperation for a busy week. But i really did want you to know that i do appreciate all of the replies and hope they keep coming with reassureance because now i confess im feeling abit fed up!

Ditto everything teaandcakeat8 said.

I think it's perfectly normal for a caring mother the feel this way, it's not like you want her to be with a man of your choosing - you just want her to be happy. If I could have one wish for life it would be that my children live their lives 'happy'.

Tea is right, your daughter has mentioned to you that she feels nothing so it's perfectly reasonable that you can discuss that further with her, it's not great for him or her for that to continue for too long. Don't know about timescale but she doesn't have to go to Paris unless she wants to.

Why not text Her a nice message to that effect - that you know its a difficult day for ber but she will get through it & you are xendi g a hug - while she's at work?

Thank you Iamdobby63 and also ocelot7
I have just sent her a text telling her how wonderful her hair looks and how proud i am of her.
I also asked her to write down a list of all the things she wanted. I told her it doesn't have to be a long list but 3 or 4 things that she wants from life. Once you know what you want everything else kind of is easier to achieve. Being a Mum of older kids is so hard i know they are adults and i respect that but it is so hard to see your offspring go through angst!!!
I just hope i am doing the right thing by letting her talk. I hope i am doing the right thing by being honest with her. I hope she really values that. I hope they don't take my honesty as domineering because i can assure you i'm not some type of matriacel mother.

You sound lovely, she's lucky to have you on her side. Just keep listening and helping her think it through. I hope she does n' t go to Paris with him.

Well i feel you all deserve an update after my post a little while ago. My daughter has gone away and told him there is no future in this relationship but she likes him as a friend. They appear to have had a good time so there you go.
But can i ask you wonderful ladies out there for some advice. As i said previously i am a busy Mum i work full time i go to weightwatchers i am starting a running club and i go out with my friends and husband. I naturally worry about my children the same as we all do. However i am 52 not 21 and maybe there are some younger ladies on here that could advise me. What do i do when she gets back because to be honest i'm a bit p**d off. My daughter had a boyfriend who she loved for 2 years they were great to start with but he cheated on her and she forgave him but it never recovered and ultimatly finished. She was devestated really devestated. Since then we hae had a whole year of her from going up to down at an alarming rate. Her behaviour recently has been disgusting. I could have told her over 6 weeks ago there was no spark i saw it for myself but she wouldn't listen. A cuple of weeks ago her Dad was really poorly she wanted this boy to stay the night, after only 3 weeks i said No because your Dad is ill and i think you should know this lad a bit longer. Well you would have thought it was the end of the world she went crazy, i have got two girls and even i was surprised as i have never seen this level of strop before. I understand she was very upset about the lad she went out with for 2 years but she is only 21 for God's sake! Since then she has gone out with a couple of lads who quite frankly were not even her type she went out with boys who she would never have given a second glance at. Her emoitional behaviour goes from up to down in seconds and i have had enough.

Lots of you will say take a step back and believe you me i have really tried but it is so hard when you live in the same house. If i ignore her behaviour she moans if i talk about anything else she says im avioding the subject. It has even got to the point now that i get the dread on a friday not a sunday evening. I skip off to work on a Monday as i am happy to be away. On a Friday i dread what the weekend has in store. So does my poor husband, all of this stress has caused more arguements that anything i can think of for a long time. Her behaviour dominates our house. On the flip side i do not want her to get depressed and i know she has to have someone to talk to. However now i am asking for some constructive help. She is due back tomorrow
How do i approach this?

... I might be unpopular with this response but if she is impacting on your home life could it be time to persuade her to move out?

Its difficult because as you say, as much as you are trying to stay out of it, it sounds like she uses you as a confidant so therefore you can't help but be involved. Does she have a group of girlfriends or anyone else she can talk to about her boy issues? Perhaps she doesn't understand how much it's affecting you? I don't live with my parents so I'm able to give them an edited version of my relationship difficulties as I know it worries them if I'm upset.

She sounds like she has very low self confidence, probably as a result of the cheating, and going out with boys that weren't her type is perhaps the only way she knows how to boost her self esteem. Maybe getting a bit more independence might help her learn to stand on her own two feet?

It sounds as if she is a little spoiled and very much accustomed to having your full attention and to having her every feeling and emotion given great consideration by you, having all her thoughts sifted through your mind. Maybe this was because of your anxiety after her break up, and she became more the centre of everything than she was before, and she now almost expects that to continue? This isn't a criticism in any way, by the way, just that her flouncy behaviour suggests entitlement. I can see that it would be very hard to step back, but maybe take some of your focus off her - talk to her about other people in the family and what they are going through. She may be young but not young enough not to understand that she is not the centre of the universe.

Teaandcakeat8 Believe you me i would like her to move out now. But she is only 4 months into her new job and i just feel it would be a little unfair. But if she carries on with this behaviour she will be off because i am not putting up with it. No matter what i say at the moment she is rude and it is not going to continue. My poor husband and me we have really bent each others ears about this at the weekend!
LobsterQuadrille I also agree with you, i try to be hard but her Dad who is an extremly soft mannered Man has spoilt her in so many ways and now we are paying the price.

I really do not know whether to approach this in the softly, softly way as i do not want her coming back from her few days away to a barrage from me. Or to just be hard and see how it goes. It sounds awful but i have enjoyed the break.