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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To text or not?

51 replies

zaalitje · 13/02/2016 17:40

I've been on four dates with a guy, he seemed really keen and at date 3 I told him to slow things down a little, he seemed OK with that and like he had taken on board what I said.

He asked over a week ago if we could do something for Valentines, he was meant to be coming to me tonight, at 6, having food, maybe going out for a couple drinks then the day tomorrow together, nice country walk and big Sunday lunch.

So, apart from a "Good Morning" WhatsApp yesterday morning I've heard nothing from him, sent one message as I left work last night and a "Morning" message this morning. I know he's looked at the message and been online several times since I sent it, but nothing.

Even on Thursday though he was talking about cooking together, that he'd bring a couple bottles of wine.

This, I assume, is his rather crap way of dumping me. That's fine, it's only been 4 dates, I'm a big girl and can handle it, just annoyed how disrespectful he is being by blanking me.

So, good ladies, do I text? If so what? I'm currently fighting itchy fingers!

OP posts:
liberatedwine · 13/02/2016 18:29

Enjoy your wine Wine

Can someone explain to me what OLD means?

Sairze · 13/02/2016 18:29

I'm not chasing, he's blocked.

He won't get the satisfaction of replying and I won't get drawn into a discussion.

If there was a reasonable explanation he could have replied to my message this morning or any one of the times he's been on line today.

PitilessYank · 13/02/2016 18:30

Sairze-I think your text was worded beautifully. Thanksfor you.

honeyroar · 13/02/2016 18:34

OLD = online dating.

Sairze · 13/02/2016 18:37

OLD - On line dating

Vince I couldn't see my friend (in town on short notice) as had already made plans with him, I don't cancel plans/invitations once made cause I get a better offer, that's rude and I'd hate friends to do that to me.

You really think it was OTT? It would have been date 5, not 4, we'd been on 4 dates prior to tonight.
He'd been to my house before and I'd much rather a chilled night with wine and a movie than an overpriced valentines night at a restaurant.

Callyourselfapilot · 13/02/2016 18:52

Someone once gave me a good bit of advice. If you chase something it runs away. Good luck. Be kind to yourself. You're much better than this. Sending a big hug. I know how it feels.

liberatedwine · 13/02/2016 18:57

I realised as soon as I pressed 'post message' that OLD meant online dating, what a fool I am Grin

Hope the wine is going down a treat. I'd delete his number though, just in case your fingers get itchy again!

sonjadog · 13/02/2016 18:59

Well, I think you could have waited to hear if you got a response from him before blocking. Maybe there was a real reason. At the very least, it would have given us some entertainment discussing what an arse he is.

SteadyHand · 13/02/2016 19:08

I'm going through a similar thing, OP! I'd been dating a guy for about 7 weeks. We met up for drinks on Wednesday and he asked if he could come round on Thursday night, I said that was fine. He messaged good night and said he was looking forward to seeing me the following night. We messaged each other good morning on Thursday, and that's the last I've heard from him!

When Thursday evening came and went, I messaged 'Is everything ok??' He's read the message, but hasn't replied.

I've been tying myself up in knots ever since, wondering what I could've done...

bodenbiscuit · 13/02/2016 19:11

The problem with online dating is that you only know what the person wants you to know which is why there is so much confusion about people's motives.

DontKillMyVibe · 13/02/2016 19:15

You asked him to slow things down a bit. Isn't he just listening to you and simply doing that?

VulcanWoman · 13/02/2016 19:20

Hopefully OP is busy because he's turned up.

Helennn · 13/02/2016 19:25

I've just had similar, albeit after only 3 dates. He needs time for himself, - he only works two short days a week! I reckon there are a lot of men out there who are not fit for dating!

Doingmyheadin2016 · 13/02/2016 19:31

I think guys like this get away with it too easily when they mess people around. It's cowardly. Instead of saying, sorry I've changed my mind it is easier for them to vanish. And I bet you wouldn't be the first he has done that to.

I was chatting to a guy online, we swapped numbers then he said he had never actually been on a date. He admitted he stood up the last woman he arranged to meet. He had got as far as the pub in a taxi then chickened out and blocked her number. Can you imagine how she felt? That put me off and I never spoke to him again.

I know the advice on here is to ignore but I think they need to be called up on their behaviour so I think you did the right thing in texting.

Sairze · 13/02/2016 19:34

DontKill I asked him to slow things down as he was getting a bit ahead of himself - talking about taking a trip on date 3 - and my last relationship was a bad one with someone who was EA, he knew this from the off.

Ignoring me for 2 days and not turning up for a date that HE asked for isn't slowing things down, it's being completely disrespectful. So no, he isn't just listening to me.

Sonja I had a quick unblock/reblock on WhatsApp, he's been online since I sent the message but the ticks haven't turned blue, so he's not been 'into' our conversation. Knob!

Steady Wine for you too, it's not something you did, it's something he's done. Another Knob!

SteadyHand · 13/02/2016 19:43

Thank you Sairze. This is the first guy I've dated since my divorce, so it's a bit painful to be honest- perhaps I'll give up men entirely!

Have a good evening with your bottle of wine!

Helennn · 13/02/2016 19:48

That's interesting though Sairze, personally a trip on date three would have been fine for me. In fact mine said we moved too quickly and he wanted to slow it down, so we were opposite to you. So I guess it's difficult as everybody wants to move at a different pace, that's not easy to gauge at the start though.

loveyoutothemoon · 13/02/2016 20:02

If you've blocked him his ticks won't turn blue will they?

blindsider · 13/02/2016 20:39

Steady hand

That is just bloody rude, (assuming he hasn't been run over) after 7 weeks you deserve a it's not you it's me conversation. Men can be such cowards when it comes to this sort of thing

SteadyHand · 13/02/2016 20:48

Thank you blindsider I think I deserve a proper break up, too! I'm so tempted to message him again, but I don't really know what I would say, and I worry it would just give him an ego boost to know I was bothered...!

He definitely hasn't been run over- I've seen that he's been active on FB messenger, so he's been online. Not that I've been stalking him Blush

Slippydippylippy · 13/02/2016 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Muddlewitch · 13/02/2016 21:40

Don't send him anything else, what you sent was perfect. Leave him to it, someone that ignorant is not worth any more of your time. WineThanks

Flanks · 14/02/2016 06:39

I think that apps and phones make our expectations for communication far too immediate.

It is possible that he had something come up. Then after your message he didnt have the energy for a conversation, and we all know that sometimes this makes it harder to restart one.

Maybe he too wanted to slow it down a bit and didnt want to feel 'on demand'. Who knows.

Could it be handled better by him? Of course. That being said OP, I also think you have over reacted to someone not replying within 2 days after 4dates, refusing to ask the clear question yourself, ensuring uncertainty messed with your head and the childish 'i will get my word in and block him so he cant reply' approach.

Try to avoid letting tech mess with relationship expectations. Some things just need a bit of time, and tech often encourages us to work fast instead.

MistressDeeCee · 14/02/2016 22:22

You met him via OLD so he could have been talking to other women

You told him to slow it down, and he did - perhaps he thought you weren't that keen anymore?

You said a night in was better than a Valentine's date in an overpriced restaurant. But why would it matter? Unless he was asking you to fund the date. & what would have been the problem with a trip out on date 3, given that you feel comfortable enough to actually invite this man into your home, in a very romantic scenario/setting?! I can't link arranging this kind of intimate setting date with "slowing it down"- the 2 don't correlate.

Id be pissed off in your shoes still, as he's not had the courtesy to break the date with you. But I also think you sound as if you wanted to "lead" things and if it doesn't go your way then you aren't pleased.

All this texting, Whatsapping, looking to see if message read, I know it seems the done thing now but I feel its just no good for relationships, 2 people who like each other should pick up the phone and talk, doesn't need to be long just a brief catch up and confirmation of arrangements. If you can't even do that then its not a real relationship, its using technology as a barrier to keep one or the other at arms length, and its an easy get-out clause when one or the other wants to bail out. Nobody is to busy for a 5 minute phone call where you can hear each other' voices and tone, and if they are then they're not relationship material anyway.

TheNaze73 · 14/02/2016 22:53

mistressdeecee is bang on the money. We make time for people that matter, it takes a second to send a text but, is a load of faff. Think a quick call would have done it. Personally, from a blokes perspective, you've told him to slow it down, he's not liked it, so he's thrown his toys out of the pram. Quiet treatment is better than a rant in his eyes