I have no life outside of home

[littleraysofsunshine]

No hobbies, friends have faded, I am a SAHM / little bits of WFH too. I feel like I have no sense of me anymore. We have almost four kids under 5 years so it's something I knew would change. But even so I think as I've been with dp for nearly ten years (when I was 17) I've always been dependent on knowing what he's doing, trying to do family things together, he gets his time and I think am I resentful that he still does his? Even though it seems harder for me as time is limited.

Do they do pregnancy yoga classes at a leisure centre near you? here they usually have a creche.
So if dp is out all day every Saturday does that mean you're never allowed to go out on a Saturday then?because he has football?
They have a toddler group thing here where they have a creche (free) and free classes of things for mums to do, some of the activities they choose are a bit odd, like knitting, but it does give a couple of hours child free.
Anyway that's besides the point, your partners being a douchebag, he doesn't own Saturday it should be taken in turns, you get one day one weekend to do whatever, he gets one the next sort of thing.

Do you have any friends you can go out with? (Don't worry, I don't either) if not you need to do something to make some first, so the yoga classes would be a good idea for that. Or even an evening class at a local college?

He gets all day Saturday - so you should get a whole day.

Maybe alternate Saturdays so you can still have family time Sundays.

Or is he likely to say "I work hard all week and earn money so I deserve my football. ..."

I'm sorry but he sounds extremely selfish. You should alternate Saturdays and keep Sundays as family day. If he uses the "I go to work and make money" excuse, tell him how much full-time childcare costs. Not to mention a cleaner and cook! Offer to swap roles! You need and deserve a break just as much as he does. You are supposed to be equals in a partnership.

A football match lasts about two hours, what is he doing for the rest of Saturday? Is there not an option for you to have Saturday morning as your time out, then he can have the afternoon? If he is really having all day Saturday every weekend then that is massively unfair!

When I read things like this, I cannot believe how selfish some people are. How can your partner think it is ok for him to have every Saturday as a day of pure leisure, while you look after the children? This is absolutely not ok. If I looked after three under fives all week and was heavily pregnant, I am deadly serious in saying my husband would be bending over backwards at the weekend to let me rest and give me a break. You need to have a serious talk to your husband if you want your life to change. Good luck.

Does he ever have all the kids by himself? Or is he one of those deluded partners who think it's easy and your jusydoing nothing all day? Maybe you need to leave him all day by himself with the kids a few times so he gets an idea of how exhausted you must be

I am simply astonished that people behave like this.

He does but only if I do something. Which I don't.

He isn't deluded, he just says I need to do all these things like getting out more. I just can't ever seem to find the time to suit.

I feel like I'm just beginning to be an annoyance more than anything.

I'm not astonished that people will just take as I saw behaviour like this as a child. They do it because they can, because people especially women are too polite to kick off.

Try the rational chat about it first and then kick off or you will be a doormat all your life. My much older sister who is coming up to retirement age was like this but with 3 DC and has massive amounts of regret now. I remember her telling me I was selfish becuse I went on holiday by myself minus my DC for 10 days, it was to a wedding abroad. I'm just wondering what sort of life the other women in your family had/have.

2 hours of football and back by bedtime? Is that numerous more hours either side down the pub? What is he doing the rest of the day? Football and drinking every weekend would use up a huge amount of the family budget just on himself! Don't feel guilty about shelling out on creche time, it will be peanuts in comparison to what he is spending.

When you say 'find the time to suit' do you mean to suit him or suit yourself? Is he really encouraging you to get out or is it 'lip service' then he puts obstacles in the way of your actually going?

If it's the former, then take advantage of his offer. You don't have to do anything spectacular, you know. See a movie (I love seeing movies on my own) or take a walk. Go window shopping. Spare time on our own doesn't have to be taken up by a hobby or a sport. And no one needs to feel guilty for 'doing nothing' for a few hours a week.

If it's the latter, then you need to talk to him. If he's encouraging you but whenever you say "I'd like to go out on XXX day" he finds a reason why he's 'too busy' to watch the children then he's being very selfish.

You sound very depressed, lovely. I don't know if it's 'depression depression' or if you're just overwhelmed with life, iyswim. Have you considered talking to your GP?

And if you have friends who have drifted away, consider contacting one or two of them. They may be very glad to hear from you.

Saying you should go and relax is generous but pointless if he doesn't help you achieve it. If your DCs get that sixth sense when DC4 is due and get clingy you will really feel cabin fever. It is so much easier when you don't feel you have to ask for help but if DP isn't always good at taking the initiative please ask outright.

I don't want to make your bp go up but I do wonder does DP think that staying at home when not WFH means you're not doing anything, all you do is cuddle the DCs, sleep, eat and sit watching TV? Three under five must be exhausting. He works and I'm not saying he doesn't deserve a break but it sounds uneven.
Then on Saturdays it's free time for DH. On Sundays I'd like to think he takes over entirely but it doesn't sound like it.

Gentle pregnancy yoga out of the house where it's likely to be hard to avoid getting disturbed sounds a good idea. If it's your 4th I know you know the ropes so to speak but an ante natal group would enable you to make new acquaintances? Book club, fitness, cinema, a hobby group?

I'd say it's more me holding myself back. Energy levels, finding a balance which feels right.. I'm just not use to it and end up feeling lost without the kids if I'm on my own..

And if I want to arrange something and it ties in with his arrangements he'll ask in laws which I find so annoying.

I do know where the changes need to be made I just need to figure out how.

We have Saturday mornigs free if he's not working then he's at football, then home.

Sunday's we use as family day most of the time or DIY. (New home)

I think I'll start by doing something one evening each week, or Sunday morning .

Is it wrong that I do genuinely miss them if I am on my own though, or that I'm missing out if family time.

Of course it's not 'wrong' to miss your children. But I think you'll find that once you start doing things for yourself you'll realize that you aren't 'missing out' on them, in fact you'll have even more to offer them as you'll be refreshed and renewed.

I don't think it's wrong to miss them and they are sort of little extensions of ourselves but beware you don't become totally subsumed. Children leave home and build their own lives one day.

Exactly my thoughts.

I just feel like why would I give up time with them to do something just because, when I don't even know what my just because is half the time

Why? Reread your OP. You said it fairly clearly there.