Just told husband I want out.....

[Confused12345678]

This has been brewing for over a year. It's a cyclic process of telling him I don't want to be in this marriage, he does nothing about it, I give up and put up with the way things are.

We've been together 15yrs. Married 7 this year. One glorious boy age 2.

My point of view is simply we have drifted apart. Nothing in common. No attraction. No physical stuff and when there is is negligible. I cried last time we had sex because i felt nothing.

I've tried to spice things up I've done EVERYTHING most can suggest. Counselling he refuses. Tonight I've told him flatly "I feel we are friends/house mates/I don't love you anymore".

He said he loves me. He sat there in silence and carried on watching tv. I'm currently in bed and he has made NO effort to sort this!!!

Part of me wants to leave as I'm only 34. (He's 44). Another doesn't want to split because of my boy. He's done nothing wrong. Husband has done nothing wrong.

I just don't love him anymore.

It's been ongoing over past yr maybe a bit more.

I had an on off affair for a couple of months which is now over. But it made me relise I want out and I need to salvage my life back.

What do I do now?

Any ideas?

No I disagree with that. The distance was already there to warrant/justify the desire for an affair.

Possibly. Age old 'script' following, whether you're a man or a woman.

And even if that were true, why not talk to him and, together, start trying to repair your relationship. Rather than just put your efforts into somebody else...

Just saying...

JonesTheSteam maybe your right. But we all deal with things differently. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Believe me I have tried to communicate.

Although I'd love to have and ethical debate regarding affairs. That is not my main sunset matter.

What is, is how or what I should do next. Hoping that someone, preferably not within the lynch mob, can offer some constructive advise.

Just go to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. You want him to start taking notice? What sort of response do you want. He obviously prefers his telly to you. He certainly doesn't look as if he can spare any energy for his marriage.

So, no time like the present. He might take notice of divorce papers coming through the letterbox addressed to him. You don't need his permission to split up.

Maybe being really blunt with him might help, i.e. telling him that it is over, that you want him to leave, and if he doesn't seem to be taking that in, that you will be seeing a solicitor ASAP to look at legalities?

Hillfarmer agreed thank you.

I don't understand why you keep trying to talk about it. You don't need his permission. If you want a divorce see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Simple. Why haven't you done this ? Do you really want a divorce or do you want some effort from him ?

I agree with others about your affair. Cheaters typically create space and distance so they can have an affair. Your husband will now seem incredibly boring and dull in comparison to your affair partner.

If you really wanted a divorce you'd have instigated one. Or you'd have told him about your affair. What do you want ?

You don't necessarily need a solicitor at this stage as you can file a petition to divorce online which will be served on your h which should at least get his attention. He may then be amenable to discussing fair division of the marital assets and childcare arrangements, but if you can't reach an amicable agreement on these matters you can endeavour to seek resolution through mediation.

Alternatively, you can tell your h about your affair and invite him to divorce you for adultery or cite your infidelity as evidence of your unreasonable behaviour in making a cuckold out of him.

www.gov.uk/divorce/overview

I'd suggest you do need to see a solicitor, if only to see about the legalities of getting him out of the house. And if you are the main earner you need advice regarding any potential financial settlement you may have to make on him (depending on your respective earnings). You'll also want to get the ball rolling regarding residence and access issues for your child.

See a solicitor and get the ball rolling. If this doesn't make him take notice nothing will.

Personally I would remove the plug from the TV today or hide the control so that it can't be turned on.

Then sit down and tell him that he needs to listen to you, that you need 10 mins to explain how you feel. Then tell him and say that the only two options are (a) he agrees to counselling and both of you putting all of your effort in to save the marriage or (b) we call it a day now if you won't go to counselling and work hard at it. Make it very clear that a decision needs to be made that evening.

If he chooses option (a) then I think you have to tell him about the affair so everything is out in the open. He may decide to leave you then anyway, if not then at least you go into counselling with everything in the open.

If he chooses (b) then you move into the spare room or onto the sofa. Since you're the instigator and the one that had an affair I think it's only fair that you are the one that has to be inconvenienced the most even taking into account that his behaviour is not great.

Then engage with a solicitor the next day.

Personally I wouldn't tell him about the affair if the choice is to end the marriage - it would only hurt him and the marriage has already been declared over so on balance I don't think there's much to be gained by anyone.

Of course the whole post assumes you'd be willing to go to counselling and put everything you've got into making the relationship work, would you?

It seems a bit selfish to split your boy's parents up, just because you are bored.

More selfish for the kid to grow up stuck in the middle of an unhappy marriage.

She's not bored polyethyl, she's been miserable in this marriage for ages. She had an affair, probably hoping that that would end the marriage, but it didn't and the affair didn't work out.

OP go and see a solicitor. You can do an online divorce, but since your H isn't listening to you and isn't going to move out unless forced to by a judge I think you need to grab the bull by the horns. Stop prevaricating and do it. You've already made your decision and you don't need this permission.

*his permission