how do i get through this? stately homes related

[dreame]

Long and complex story involving a narcissistic, abusive mother and me, now adult, getting treatment for PTSD caused by her when I was a child. In short:

I emailed "D"M (we live far away) to tell her about the PTSD and that I haven't been able to be close to her because I've always been afraid of what she could do. It took me 20 years to be able to write this.

Response was typical narc. taking no blame and putting it on me (this was expected) plus (not expected) basically wishing me a nice life. It took her 2 hours to reply, to end our relationship.

I feel like someone's died, like I've lost my mother (and the glimmer of hope that my mother actually cared about me, really cared about me - even though rationally I know the deal), but I haven't, she's still alive and I can't tell anybody really what's going on (in part because it's so long and complex and so many people just won't get it).

Has anybody gone through this? How do I get through this? The PTSD is bad enough and the therapy is hard and to be honest, I'm so, so tired of hurting.

I am really sorry how sad this is making you- if I had a parent who was utterly revolting I think I would be more than happy never to see them again. I certainly wouldn't bend myself out of shape to 'please' them.

There's a lot of pain to get through before you reach the stage of not wanting to see them again blindsider, it's almost a compulsive need to be wanted/needed and wrong about your parent(s), but yes, cutting ties is the healthiest thing to do.

it's almost a compulsive need to be wanted/needed and wrong about your parent(s), but yes, cutting ties is the healthiest thing to do. yes and it's a kick in the guts when you realise they aren't what you thought you were, they never will be. I'm years past the first realisation but it still makes me immeasurably sad. Therapy is good, I'm trying to set up some more at the mo.

I read through all of my diaries last night - I wrote A LOT!! It's utterly incredible. I have spent years reading threads here about narc mothers and thought "Well, mine wasn't that bad, so what's wrong with me? I must just be over sensitive, like she said I was." I've read all the books recommended on Stately Homes, I've had years of therapy and I still couldn't get it into my head that my childhood was as bad as my reaction to it.

Until now! I had no idea at all about narcs when I wrote these diaries and yet word for word in describing one again and again and again.

I started off quite upset last night but by the time I'd finished - and still now - I'm feeling much better. It's like a weight has lifted off my shoulders: I was most definitely abused and for the entirety of my childhood. I've realised too that the reason I thought there was something mentally wrong with me was because she planted that seed when I was a teenager. So now I know that I'm the product of abuse, NOT just randomly chemically imbalanced. It's not a nice topic of course, but it's amazing to realise that it's 100% her and I'm just lucky to not be addicted to any form of substance..or dead.

Now I just wish I hadn't been quite so gentle in the email I wrote to her - she didn't deserve even that.

I'm sure this feeling of relief will turn into grief soon but I'll ride the wave as long as I can!

Maybe, but maybe you'll feel freer, validated at knowing it wasn't anything you did/were