Using solicitors for contact with ex

[wonderstuff100]

Does anyone use a solicitor so they can have as little contact with ex as possible?

We were never married but since June 2014, he has bounced in and out of DS's life. Things came to a head last August and we attended mediation and had a contact arrangement set up....which he managed to stick to for 2 months. Since mid November, he has seen DS 2/3 times in total and has not requested regular contact.

Today, I get an email asking to see him Tuesday evenings. And here the merry go starts again. I'll agree to it, it will last a short period of time, then it will drop off.

I'm fed up of it, wondering when the other shoe will drop, when he decides he has time for his son again before dropping him. I'm fed up of sticking to everything we agree and him not. And most of all, I'm fed up with wondering how this irregular contact will impact DS in the future. Ex was also emotionally abusive and I've come to realise that him refusing to commit to regular contact is his way of still having a tiny bit of power over me.

TBH, I just want to tell him that any other contact arrangements need to be sent via a solicitor. I feel that he messes DS around to get to me and the third person may stop this as he will be dealing with them, not directly with me. I also feel he'll toe the line better with regards to arrangements if a solicitor is involved as he cares what people think of him (amazingly!)

Has anyone else used a solicitor to avoid contact with ex? Unfortunately there is no family on either side available to act as a mediator.

Ah I see about the distance, it's for ds and not ex. Got it.

In an ideal world, crap fathers would not get to mess around their kids in the name of 'preserving the relationship'. The reality sadly is that yes of course he should not get to waltz, but he's going to and realistically it's going to be impossible to stop him.

Courts are not really going to care how often he does or doesn't turn up - although a mediation record that twice its been discussed and he hasn't then followed through is going to help your case there if it gets that far.

Really not wanting to scaremonger but to be aware: Court/CAFCASS could potentially get all over ds not being keen on contact if you get someone who is a particular champion of this kind of thinking, they may see it as a reason to push contact very firmly no matter how ds feels about it, and there are women who have posted on here commenting that courts can then start to see that as the mother's fault and the contact order can end up a bit... weighted. Plus the door is then open for the fun game of 'I'm taking you back to court'.

If he's going to waltz, it may be down to damage limitation. Ex getting bored may be the fastest, easiest way. It may help too not to give ds the decision about whether he wants to go to contact as very understandably ds is not going to want to leave his familiar routine to go see a relative stranger - not a whole lot in it for him! However that gives ex ammunition; maybe more along the lines of 'dad is picking you up tomorrow', and present it as a chilled out done deal so ex can't use that against either of you.

rumbleinthrjungle I see what you're saying, very interesting. And yes, I would like to avoid court if at all possible.

So would you even bother with mediation or just suggest to ex a few future dates DS is free over next few months, say like one a month to try and keep things casual and keep him sweet (god that makes me feel sick!)?

The thing about mediation is that while it seems unlikely at this point he's suddenly going to see the light and step up to being a responsible, involved parent, it does give you objective evidence that twice you've been happy to meet him and plan contact so you're clearly not trying to withhold contact, twice it's been explained to him by an objective person how important consistency and predictability and routine is for his child, twice he's entered into an agreement, and once so far (and you think very probably will do this again) he has then messed ds about and given up on contact. If it ever does go to court a judge is not going to be impressed with that evidence from a man saying he's being blocked from a relationship with his child. So it's useful in several ways.

As you said, he is going to be a casual visitor in ds's life - ad hoc contact may work better in the long run for you and ds. And while sod keeping ex' sweet', it's finding a balance between not letting him get any fun from harassing you and ds that he'd find rewarding enough to keep on with while also not pushing him to the point of getting a court order. Pleasant, disinterested, yep fine, whatever, see you then/ nope we're doing x on that day but this day is free/ oh can't make it today whatapitynevermind, may be a way to keep it easier on everyone. The court option will still always be available to you if you ever decide you need it.