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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm not a part of my dh's circle of friends

17 replies

circleOfFriends · 28/12/2006 14:16

have changed my name.

This may be long so please bear with me.

I don?t have any friends, I?m one of those types of people who can talk to people in the playground/the park, but the friendship never moves beyond that. I?ll invite people round but they usually make up some reason why they can?t come round, and if they ever do come round for lunch for instance, invites are never reciprocated. I don?t really even feel that I?m that good at making friends online, I?ll get chatting to someone, think we have something in common, sometimes exchange email addresses/msn addresses, but generally it?s always me who does the contacting/emailing or initiates the talk on msn. I don?t like to keep pushing it so after a while I?ll back off as don?t want to come across as overbearing or pushy.

My dh doesn?t work locally, so all his friends are based in the area he works, so when he goes out, he goes out there and then comes home to me. We have no friends as a couple. He doesn?t not want to include me, but because of how far away he works it just wouldn?t be possible/practical for me to go out with him as well. He doesn?t go out that often, maybe three or four times a month, and I have no issue with that, he goes out for a couple of hours and never comes home late. He does feel guilty that he goes out and I don?t, but I wouldn?t expect him to have no social life just because I don?t.

So today dh rang me and said he?d been out to lunch with a friend of his, the only one of his friends that I?ve actually met, and that they were talking about some restaurant they wanted to go to, and dh had suggested they go on a certain Friday which is his birthday. Without even thinking about it, I said ?oh yeh, you should definitely go?. He had meant me as well, but I?m so used to the fact that he goes out without me, that I?d automatically assumed it would be him and this mate, and this mate?s partner, it never even occurred to me that he would want to include me.

Since the phone call I?ve been thinking about this, and I feel sad that I?m really not a part of his circle of friends. In fact if I met them now he would have to introduce me to them, almost as if I was a new gf, and yet he?s known some of these people for years. It?s been so long since we?ve been out with friends as a couple, that I feel almost as if he would rather not have me there, although I know he would want me there but it?s just not practical, I don?t even know if I?d feel comfortable going out with him if he was with his friends.

Am I just being silly?

OP posts:
mellowma · 28/12/2006 14:21

Message withdrawn

lulumama · 28/12/2006 14:22

hi honey

i have a similar situation, my DH goes out a lot with work, doing corporate hospitality and entertainemnt, often with a colleague from work.....it can be really difficult..i used to feel very resentful he was out all the time, drinking champagne, getting dressed up , limos etc..whilst i festered at home with the children. i felt i had no friends, and no life....

but friends do not come to find you..you have to go out and be proactive..you have been doing, and you;ve had a couple of let downs, but the world is full of people.....

a lot of times i've been the one to initiate contact, and very often, te person will say, 'so glad you texted / called / emailed etc.., as i ;m really shy ....

so other people probably thinking the same as you

any mnetters in your area?

i started a thread a few weeks ago in meet ups, and there are 7 or 8 of us meeting up next week !

sorry..DD woken up, will come back to this later...you sound like you are almost there, and then get scared and back off.....

Psychobabble · 28/12/2006 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3monkeys · 28/12/2006 14:30

Hi! It's difficult when you feel you always have to initiate contact with friends - this oftenseems to happen to me. But when you do, people are nearly always pleased and you could have a great time! Better than sitting at home on your own.

And I used to hate going out with DH and his friends as I felt they all thought I was dead boring (although really I was just terrified!) But his best friend's wife and I now go out for lunch on our own with the children while they're at work!!

Try chatting to some new people - you have nothing to lose

circleOfFriends · 28/12/2006 14:43

I think the hardest part is that when you've been rejected so many times it becomes harder and you start to asume that people just won't be interested. My family comment on the fact I don't have any friends, even dh now comments sometimes, not in a nasty way, but I think he just doesn't want to see me get my hopes up when I think I've made a friend only to be knocked back again. I don't think I'm a horrible person, I think I'm a caring person who can generally talk to anyone, in fact I'm outwardly very confident, and the couple of friends I have made over the years don't understand why I find it so difficult to make friends.

OP posts:
lulumama · 28/12/2006 14:48

maybe when you start contacting people, and then back off, they get a bit confused. and wonder why you stop contact?

they see the email, or text or msn, respond briefly ,or think, i'll do that later,....then kids distract you etc..life gets in the way and then it seems too late...

can you join a mum & baby group ? or join a book club ? what ar your neighbours like?

of course you are a lovely person, that is why you care about this situation and want to amek it better...if you are in merseyside, come to our meet up next weeek!

add me to your MSN if you like

lulumama 21 @ hotmail .com

i'm on the computer most days and will always pass a few minutes of idle chat !

moyasmum · 28/12/2006 15:08

No your're not silly, and as you can see their are a lot of us in the same boat.
I'm glad you started the thread.

3monkeys · 28/12/2006 16:05

Sorry I may have sounded dismissive before. I find it really awkward that I always seem to be the one to suggest things but I think that's just how it is - some people are lucky and always have people ringing them and other people don't but it doesn't make them unlikeable people! You are voicing on here what we have probably all said to our husbands or partners at home!

TheHockeyandtheIvy · 28/12/2006 16:18

poor you - it is sad when we don't feel like we have many friends around.

I actually come to this from the other viewpoint. I have lots of friends and dh has none apart from his work colleagues and the husband of one of my friends who he goes for a pint and a curry with once a month or so. I have lots of friends from work, the kids school etc and have no problems meeting new people. He actually does understand where I'm coming from and knows I need social interaction that doesn't revolve around him/the children. If he didn't I'd find it very hard. I don't want "my" friends to be "our" friends as a couple because dh wouldn't like them at all and I like the fact that I'm seen as me rather than someones wife or mother so it works out well.

I also have a friend, who like you finds it really really difficult to make friends, she does give up but what is sad is that she doesn't allow her husband to remain friends with people he knew before her or become friends with new people because she is jealous that she has no friends herself. I really think that this might break them up.

I think you are dealing with this in a really mature way, you understand that your husbands friends are important to him. I'm sure he appreciates your understanding.

have you tried to make friends on your own terms, maybe some who share an interest. In the past when I moved to a new area I took evening classes and joined new fitness classes etc in order to meet people. It does take courage but in time, particularly with a shared interest it might help. In the meantime try and talk to your husbands friends when you go out, people love to talk about themselves so ask lots of questions and smile a lot (even if you're nervous as hell). Good Luck with it. Thinking of you.

secretlywishIcouldknit · 28/12/2006 16:39

circle - I sometimes feel like this. I do have some lovely close friends but I definitely feel I have lost the 'knack' as the kids have got older. I had a marvellous big group of 'baby' friends but as the years went on I realised we didn't really have much in common other than the fact that we had kids at the same time, and that isn't enough for me; I need friends I can be myself with.
I used to have a scattergun approach, fire out strings left right and centre and see if any 'stuck'. Now I have less confidence and I do tend to take it personally (particularly at certain times of the month if I make and effort with someone and get 'snubbed'. When I'm feeling rational, I know it is just as someone else has already suggested, people lose phone numbers etc or just lose track of time (thinking 'I must giver her a ring sometime, not realising sometime has stretched into months...) Does this sound familiar?
You sound lovely, please persevere....

circleOfFriends · 28/12/2006 17:40

thank you for all replies

Hockey your friend sounds incredibly insecure. I would never dream of telling my dh that he couldn't see friends that weren't a part of my life as well - IMO the only thing that could possibly achieve is resentment and ultimately bad feeling. I do also absolutely see why it's important to have one's own friends as opposed to just having joint friends, I guess one of the reasons why it bothers me a bit that I can't be part of dh's circle of friends is because I don't really have any of my own. I do know a lot of people, some who I might choose to be friends with and some who I might not, I'm not really after a thriving social life, being out every other night or whatever, but I guess a night out or coffee once in a while would be nice.

Lulumama I actually do already have you on my msn, will shout next time I'm online .

OP posts:
lulumama · 28/12/2006 17:42

please do COF!!

five years ago, i had not one single friend ...only people from work...who fell by the wayside when i left...it has taken a LOT of work to get to a point where i am comfortable making my presence felt in the world and if people don;t want to know me..well, says more about them than me !

DH goes and does his work thing, i get a babysitter. or one of my friends to sit in and go out for a couple of hours or get some of the girls round for a take out and a bottle! much better than festering home alone....

MoreTeaVicar · 02/01/2007 12:20

Rock on lulumama, you sound like you would be a great friend

FioFio · 02/01/2007 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KTreePee · 02/01/2007 12:56

With me and dh it's the other way around...although I am quite shy and didn't have many close friends growing up, I do have quite a lot of friends now - but it is not easy... I am not originally from the UK and for the first decade or so I was here I found it hard to make friends - most of the people I counted as friends I knew from my home country. Didn't help that I worked in a very male industry so it was harder to make friends that way...

Since I gave up work I have made a lot more friends in our town, through school, toddler groups, neighbours, etc. But it is not easy - I often feel that people are only being friendly to be nice and it can be hard to feel accepted when a group of people have been friends already for a long time...

The one difference I notice between me and dh is that if I phone or email someone and they don't reply, I just assume they are busy and don't dwell on it - lots of my friends I only see once a year and don't have much contact in between - but because I have known them so long we just take up from when we last saw each other... Dh on the other hand, takes offence if someone doesn't reply to an email, etc and tends to stop contacting the person then - usually he only makes contact again if I arrange for us to meet his friend + family! He also doesn't tend to keep in touch with colleagues when he changes jobs and of course because he is at work all day, hasn't had many opportunities to meet people locally...

Don't know if any of this rambling has helped at all! - but I have been thinking about this recently because the mother of one of dh's oldest friends died recently and I think he feels bad because he hasn't seen this friend for a long time - usually I arrange with the friend's wife to call over when we are visiting the area but dh hasn't wanted me to do this the last few times because he feels he is always the one to do the running...

hotandbothered · 02/01/2007 14:23

This is why I like MN! It could have been me who wrote this COF - obviously there are lots of us out there!
Perhaps when I've felt out of things it's more because people are busy etc rather than not interested... Will try harder...

AUBINA · 02/01/2007 16:13

I am another person who totally identifies with COF. It makes me feel better to know this problem is so common. I know lots of people, other mums, neighbours. However I wouldn't say we are close friends. I'm already thinking that when my 6 and 8 year old dds go to senior school, I will miss my chats in the playground. It's partly my fault, I think that other people are leading such busy, exciting lives that they won't have time for me. Although a lot of mums I know do rather overstretch themselves and so it can be genuinely hard to get together.

Those people I feel most close to I have known for years. I think before I had children I had more time to invest in friendship and lay a solid foundation. Unfortunately none of these people live near me.

My husband socialises with work colleagues and I'm happy for him although I'm jealous and wish I could have half as busy a social life. We don't have any joint friends together. Our main friendships were established before we met. I'm happy with that, it shows we are individuals.

I have signed up to do an evening NVQ course later this year and hopefully I'll meet some interesting people there. But they'll all probabley have to rush home afterwards! I'm so negative!

I suppose the best thing to do is think about where you may be going wrong and try and be more confident, without appearing needy!

I could ramble on for ages but I think I've said my piece, here's to new friendships in the new year.

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