Kids want contact with dad, but dad will only come and see them if at ex's house

[BarbaraFromMarketHarborough]

Does anyone have any advice for my best friend?

She is at the end of her tether, and wanted me to post for her.
I'm going to call her "Sandra" here for clarity.

Sandra split with partner, father of her three DC (ages 3, 5 and 10), about 18 months ago. His behaviour had been, and continues to be (IMHO) pretty appalling. He rarely pays maintenance, and has been, I think many would argue, controlling and abusive towards Sandra (history of smashing her stuff, refusing to take any responsibility, refusing to give maintenance, stealing from Sandra's friends, undermining Sandra and telling her friends and family malicious lies about her, attempting to turn children against their mum... I could go on).

The issue is this. The kids love their dad, and he has managed to organise a situation whereby he comes to visit them every weekend, staying at Sandra's house. Sandra has her own house (it has never belonged to ex in any way, although she allowed him to live in it when they were together). He lives in a van during the week, and comes over to stay at Sandra's and see the kids at the weekend (where he does all his washing, etc., too). He can be pretty unpleasant when there (e.g., generally being nasty, snooping on Sandra's computer).

Essentially, this is the only way he will reliably see his kids (who are desperate to see him). He has form for taking off when things are not going his way. If Sandra breaks off this arrangement, he is very likely to start letting the kids down again which will upset them enormously. Does anyone have any ideas?

Many thanks.

Thanks Isetan.

Does anyone know how Sandra might deal with it if, when she puts her foot down, he starts saying to the kids "I can't come and see you now, because mum won't let me come to the house. Poor me, I have nowhere to go and mum won't let me in", etc. This is the kind of thing he has said/done in the past. He has previously cried in front of the kids and called Sandra "heartless" (I think that was the word) - to the kids - for not letting him come back to the house.

Sandra's ex can come and collect his children on Saturday mornings and take them out for to day.
He does not need to be in her house.
When my husband and his ex split up he was staying on his mums soda until he saved for a rental deposit. He seen his daughter every Saturday and some Sunday's too but always collected her and took her out. Once he got his own place he then had overnights with her.
As the children's father it is his responsibility to pay maintenance and provide somewhere they can visit him.
This is not up to Sandra to do. And she should explain it to the children like this. Mummy has her house and daddy needs to get his own house it is not something Sandra has to do for him or the children. She should be helpful with contact but not a walkover.

mine were 2 & 6 when we split.
I said the usual about Daddy & Mummy not loving each other but loving the DC very much.

She can also stress that they can see Daddy but Daddy needs to make the necessary arrangements etc. i.e. It is his responsibility not hers!

It is also OK to show the children that she is prepared to protect herself and value herself (as she will be teaching the children to protect and value themselves). And this can involve setting limits on interactions with people who are nasty.

I would advise being honest but in an age appropriate way.

I did get a bit of anger from my oldest for a while, but she was grappling with some very difficult concepts and she knew how horrible he was to me - so I supported her through that best I could.

She should say to them

"I'm sorry daddy won't see you but when partners separate they no longer spend time in each other's houses. It makes it better for everyone if that is the way it is. Daddy can see you if he wants to take you out at the weekend and I've asked him to do that. You can tell him too that you'd like to go to the park with him."

Those children must have friends who see non resident dads take them out at weekends or friends who go to their dads to stay for a night. I'd be pointing those friends out sayiing "see, how jiimmy goes to his dad's on Fridays sometimes - that's how it works. Dad will get the hang of it eventually"

Otherwise, she might as well let him back living with her (well he is practically living with her) and put up with the shit forever because he is not going to be decent about it - he is going to winge and manipulate and bully. she just has to withdraw from it and put her position clearly to her kids in words they understand.