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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need advice on how to get through New Years eve, NY's Day and the day after

20 replies

santasaltire · 28/12/2006 09:41

After much arguing - it has been decided we are going to PIL's f*king "party" at New Year. After much more discussion we are going to my mum later today and staying till Sunday - "but not too late on Sunday as Dad wants me to go out for an hour or two with him". We are also going on Sunday so DH and his dad can go to the pub on NY day so Step MIl and I can get the house "ready for the party". Which involves me keeping too bored children away from food "because it's for the party", not being allowed to put the TV on "because it's a party", not being allowed to get any toys out "because it might make a meess for the party". Then MIl and I will sit around for hours, then she will go and collect DH and PIL about 5, then the first guests will arrive about 6.30!
DH has told me that i'm being selfish, that i'm making problem that aren't there. How does he know though, he's at the pub!. He fell out with me on Boxing Day, in front of his MUm and step dad. He asked me
"When are we going to dads, it's not Sunday is it".
To which i replied
"Yes it's sunday, you said wanted to got then so you could go out with your dad".
he went off on one, about how i always turn things round to make his family look bad, and how i don't like them - that bit is true, i can't stand his dad. he makes my skin crawl, he's enourmously fat, rude, and just downright horrible. he thinks he is god's gift to everyone.
So, how do i get through the couple of days with out saying something - because if i do, DH will blame me for causing trouble, and without divorceing DH. At this moment it time, i feel like he doesn't care about me, as long as his dad is happy

OP posts:

korky · 28/12/2006 09:48

Sounds like a pretty miserable start to the new year for you - any chance you can take your kids out for the day on new Year's Eve? Is there a park or swimming pool or shopping centre somewhere near the PIL? That way at least you wouldn't have to keep the kids away from the food or from making a mess. You could even paint this as your selfless way of helping get the house ready for the party!
As for the party itself, try a few stiff drinks - unless booze makes you really mouthy, in which case try disappearing into the garden/toilet/kitchen/bedroom/anywhere your PIL aren't for long stretches. And just keep focusing on the fact that after New Year's Day everything should be back to normal. Good luck!

9BeetrootsDancing · 28/12/2006 09:50

get up and take the kids out for the day - leaving your mil to sort. Then have alovely day togetehr

Original poster

santasaltire · 28/12/2006 09:51

That's anothr point though Korky, because the Ds will be there, i won't can have a drink. DH will be drunk, as will PIL and step MIL. So someone will need to stay sober enough to keep an eye on the children. I shall need to be able to get them to bed, although may be fighting a losing battle with that as 19 yr old SIL and her friends will be in teh bedroom. So even if they go to bed at 2am, i shall still need to get up at 5/6 with them.

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 28/12/2006 09:52

I agree, can you make plans to do something nice with the children while mil gets the house ready? How long will dh be at the pub? If it's only 2 hours then he can join you and the children afterwards/before can't he? Or could DH go to the party while you stay at home or with your parents? Neither are ideal I agree but preferable to your telling PIL what you think of him!

9BeetrootsDancing · 28/12/2006 09:53

How old are you kids?

You have agred to go so now get on with it and enjoy. If you look at all the good things - think positive

of course you can have a couple of drinks

WideWebWitch · 28/12/2006 09:53

Well if the idea is that everyone gets pissed while you a) stay sober and b) are responsible for the children and c) have to get up at 6am then don't go. I wouldn't, it sounds completely grim.

9BeetrootsDancing · 28/12/2006 09:55

or as www says - don't go - get a nice bottle of bolli, tell dh you love him and stay at home.

korky · 28/12/2006 09:55

I still think you can have a couple of drinks - you don't have to get legless!

Original poster

santasaltire · 28/12/2006 09:56

I did think about staying at my mums , but it would cause even more bother than it's worth. DH and PIL will be at the pub from about 12, till between 5 and 6. No one ever turns up till after 6, i think step MIL forgets that people have other things to do. I can't drive, and they live on the outskirts of town! I am seriously thinking of phoning MIL and step PIL and seeing if i could go out to them for a few hours with the DS. I am just getting so annoyed with DH constantly telling me i'm being selfish

OP posts:

1sue1 · 28/12/2006 11:03

I learnt a long time ago now, when trying to please family like you are trying to do, that no matter how much effort you put in to 'keep them happy' (whilst doing things you really do not want to do) nobody thinks anything better of you for doing so...

So, if I were you I would not be going to this party. Does it really matter if your hubs thinks you're a party pooper, or his dad and step mum don't like it?

There are plenty of reasons for NOT going and only one for going, which is to keep people happy....other people, not you!
The children don't want to be hanging around and nor do you, whilst he goes to the pub...er, I don't think so! Kids do not sleep well in other peoples houses, and to let a 19 year old and mates be in the same room as the kids, again it's not on. No way would I be letting strangers in my kids bedroom!

So, why not do yourself a big favour, and tell hubby that you have decided that he can go and enjoy himself but you're not going...once you've made that decision you'll feel a weight's been lifted!

Weatherwax · 28/12/2006 11:55

How old are your kids? The whole arrangement seems selfish , that is selfish of the PIL's and your DH. I wouldn't take my kids anywhere near adults planning to get drunk in the same house. Do they really want to loose the kids respect?

Original poster

santasaltire · 28/12/2006 12:51

Oh well, DH has decided he wants to move out for a while as he isn't happy about my attitude towards his family and it's made him realise how selfish I am!

OP posts:

Weatherwax · 28/12/2006 18:04

I'm bumping this for you as I don't really know what to say apart from I'm sorry this is the outcome of this. However I do think it is a totally inappropriate event for children and you have told them this before Xmas. Your husband is the selfish one here imho

madamez · 28/12/2006 19:21

Frankly, if the price of keeping this knob-end in your life is turning yourself into a stepford robot whose feelings simply don't matter, then getting shot of him might not be so bad. He's not exactly showing much consideration towards his kids, either, as this party sounds like no fun at all for children.
If he does have good points, then bear in mind that the 'festive season' does tend to make adults act like self-obsessed toddlers, make plans that suit yourself and the kids and let him calm down in his own time.
Best wishes.

Original poster

santasaltire · 29/12/2006 10:28

We had a chat about it, and apparently he is "hurt and upset" at the comment i made on Boxing Night about going to his dad's. I didn't feel it was a bad comment in any way, but apparently it has made him realise that i'm not the lovely person he thought i was, that i am in fact a selfish person. Apparently i have no common interests, i hate the fact that he referees rugby (which he does EVERY saturday), i don't help him in his career - he is military, and i have moved all over the UK with him in the past 13 years.
So it's all my fault. I just don't know what to say, he has completely devastated me. We were getting on ok olast night, after it all came out that it's all my fault, i need to change etc etc. I love him, anmd i thought we were happy. We were getting on better than we had ever done, and looking forward to a possible move.
I also feel that a lot of it is due to the fact we never get any time alone. he was away for 4months at the beginning of the year, i had a break planned when he got back, but it had to be cancelled because he had a rugby referees course. Then i had a break in Edinburgh planned in November, and it was cancelled because he had a work related course.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 29/12/2006 14:04

sigh Control freakery, pure and simple. The "lovely person he thought you were" = someone who does what they're told. Now you're having your own opinions and wishes he has to pull harder on the reins. I doubt whether he actually means to move out; it's a mechanism to put you back in your box.

I'm sure he's not so unpleasant all the time, and there are lots of ways he could be worse (from the little you've said), but he does seem to regard you in the light of a piece of furniture, there to give support to his lifestyle. He might be fond of you, but he doesn't respect you as a human being, that's clear. If your sofa suddenly spoke up and refused to let you sit on it you'd think something had gone badly wrong with reality, wouldn't you? He's got to make an adjustment in his perception of wifeness - fast. You are worth more than the average non-talking sofa.

Thought to mull over: you love him because you are a loving person, not because he is a loveable person.

suis · 31/12/2006 08:54

Totally agree with Annie here. He's using some of the oldest tricks in the book to put you in your place so that you'll conform to his wishes and life style. There was nothing wrong with your comment about his Dad, he's just trying to make you feel guilty.

Stick to your guns and don't go to the party. That should give him a fright that you're not going to just roll over and do whatever he wants. The in-laws will get over it. Why put yourself and your dcs through it for nothing.

.. and for the longer term... learn to drive. It will give you so much more freedom and independence to go where you want and when.

MyTwoCupsOfKindness · 31/12/2006 11:26

oh, been here! you are supposed to be terrified at loosing his love, you are supposed to cry and say i am so sorry i will try harder i will be better i am sorry. then you are supposed to go along with everyting he wants through fear of loosing him. next he'll tell you you are lucky to have him and nobody else would 'put up with you'

bollocks to him. ask him if he'd like help packing.

in all seriousness, he is putting his foot on your throat with the expectation you'll slap your hand on the mat. for the love of god don't let that happen.

erm, wrestling/surrender reference. it just conjured up a strong image for me!!!

lupo · 31/12/2006 18:27

you are spot on two cups of kindness. this is what I used to do, beg and plead and try and make things better as i genuinley believed i was in the wrong and didnt want him to move out, then during one argument I finally had enough and offered to help him pack, since then things have been better - my attitude has changed,

stand up to him, tell him the door is open for him to leave - dont beg and plead, it never works and they just work all over you,

let us know how you get on

alilangsyne · 31/12/2006 18:59

santasaltire could be me your writing about. I've followed my H half way around the world. Gave up a great job and loads of friends for him. But nothing was good enough for him and so he found someone else who quote unquote made him happy and yes I did that grovelling and sobbing pleading that I'd change.

You know I honestly think that 2006 will be the year that many relationships fell apart. Here's to a wonderful next year for us all.

Take care of yourself and remember you'r not to blame.

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