drifting apart share your story, friend

[timechoes]

I'm in a place I never thought would ever happen and have combed the net for experiences. Have name changed too, as this is so personal and a real shock. My best friend seems to have changed the rules of our relationship, and we have had a huge bust up.
It's hard to go into details on here, but my main reason for this post is too share and hopefully glean info and shared experiences when a person you thought would be there forever, and has been changes towards you.

The feelings i am having is that i have been judged harshly over time without knowing i was, so i feel i couldn't win. I know this is vague sorry.
Friends whose character has changed so much, because of what they are going thru, but now taking it out on you. That sort of thing.

I guess we feel our female long term close friendships are indestructable. They are the one we go to without question. Any thoughts?

No Sarahlou, you don't. There's something very wrong with someone who can say things like that and then drop you like you're nothing. But I think in time you might see that it's about her and not you. I'm not saying you never did anything wrong, I expect you did- you're human, but to be so rejecting and unforgiving is brutal. It's still a terrible loss though. So hurtful.

I also have a child who was best friends with her child and a number of friends in common. It was/is sad and awkward as well as embarrassing. I told my child that they seemed to be busy all the time, that I had been asking them to do stuff but the mum was saying no. One day my child got really fed up about never seeing their friend and I said, in a really non dramatic way, that I was sorry, I'd tried my best, but I couldn't keep asking, I didn't know why they wouldn't hang out any more and that I was a bit hurt too. I also made it clear it was about the adults, not the kids. What else can you do?

People don't talk about it much, but nearly everyone has been binned by a mate at some point, and it can be really devastating . I really feel for you. It made me not want to make friends for a while, and paranoid that maybe none of my other friends liked me as much as I had thought.
Good luck with this. And remember that you deserve better friends.

Thank you caramel for your kind words. I have another long term friend, not joint friend as my xbff couldn't stand her. She has been brilliant, She said true friends accept each other as they are warts and all. My xbff has a lot on her plate right now and I have moved from being a unhappy single mum into a new relationship. I'm less available than I was and I think she has seen her bum. I've borne the brunt of the stresses she is undergoing rather than face her own problems. She was nasty and even if she reflects on her behaviour and try's to make contact I doubt I will want a friendship with her. It's hard though, I miss our fun times together. Although on reflection I had been seeing less of her of late and she was always rushing in and out again. I feel I did offer her support I just couldn't always jump instantly when needed. I'm lucky I still have my work friends and my one good long term friend.

She also showed no interest in getting to know my DP. It seems to change the whole dynamic or our relationship.
I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, and my DD a flower girl (she's been really excited ). She was there for the birth of my DD, we have tackled breakups (both sides), serious stresses and it all ends with a massive tantrum

I'm sorry to hear of your stories, like me very recent and raw.

I am happy to take blame for what ever i have done, but the vitriol has knocked me for six. I have written a long letter but can't send it, or rather am too scared to. I have said sorry alot in it, but I don't know, some sort of pride has taken over and i haven't sent it. Can't decide whether to try, as somehow it all feels too ruined.

handy woman, thankyou, i did read it briefly ,but will go back. Half term has been busy in some ways but also totally empty.x

just checking in on a chilly sunday.
I haven't heard anything, so wrote a letter, to reach out i guess.

this hurts, and i am worried about the reaction i will get, but i wrote to apologise for what ever I have done to upset, and to say I am sorry this has happened. Feel a bit of a mug but couldn't stand it anymore.

If I've read your posts correctly I think I'm on the other side of the fence here. I have a friend with whom I've been through hell and high water over the past couple of years. I assumed our bond was rock solid and that even if we moved half way around the world from each other nothing would change.

In the last few months a situation has arisen that has knocked me sideways. She has behaved in a way that is utterly thoughtless, cruel and breathtakingly insensitive. My close friend in the group, who is the only person that knows, agrees. My family are totally shocked.

What to do ? Can't go into detail but there are many valid reasons why I can't confront her about this. I am conscious of the impact it may have upon her, our wider group of friends, our children who are friends and upon myself. I feel therefore that I can only gradually withdraw. She won't understand why, that's kind of part of her problem.

Don't know if this has helped at all, just wanted to share.

For what it's worth I think you were brave and kind to write the letter.

hiya, although it may not be the same, the impact of being let down is similar.

I am sorry your friend has hurt you, it sounds as though it will be very hard if you are not able to confront it at all for all the reasons you say. Unsaid stuff, well it's just a void isn't it. :(

In my situation I have been left feeling so confused and like a shit friend, and i can honestly say I am shocked.

Thanks for sharing your situation, I hope that by withdrawing it will bring some peace and your hurt will lessen xx

This has taken me back about 15 years when my then best friend got married. We'd lived together over the years and known each other since we were 16 and were really really close. She was set to marry a guy I'd introduced her to. I was asked to be maid of honour but then gradually pushed out in favour of a new friend she'd met months before.

The new friend helped her get ready on the day (I was asked to come back later when I went up to the bridal suite to help) and it transpired when new friend let slip that there was a garden party the next day at the bride's family home (where I'd been and stayed countless times) that dh and I weren't invited to.

It was the most bizarre and hurtful time. I remember gut wrenching sobs over it and feeling like a zombie for a few days. We're actually still friends now, but the closeness has never returned.

Op, I feel for you. It's a horrible horrible feeling. Rejection and grief mixed together.

Thanks op. A void of unsaid stuff is a very good way of putting it. I feel shitty for being the one to create the void, but it's the only way just now. It's all just so inexplicable, like your story Carlywurly, that actually made me gasp. I'm full of admiration that you are still friends, you must be very understanding.

I am on the brink of cutting a friend & her DH out of our lives. We have been friends for a long time, go on holiday together, invited to their DC's weddings etc. I have no doubt that they will be puzzled & consider themselves blameless but the reality is that they have become exceptionally rude to us. All disguised as banter of course. The wife of this couple doesn't drink so if I so much as have a glass of wine the H makes a point of commenting on it. It is becoming tedious & insulting.

Communication is all done on their terms, if they want something they expect an immediate response, if we contact them they don't reply for days. It feels like a weird power play where they make a point of showing us how unimportant we are to them.

Without going into too much detail, they left us at a venue without telling us where they were going. We spent ages walking round looking for them while they were having a drink elsewhere. No apology, no explanation. I think that was the final straw.

'It feels like a weird power play where they make a point of showing us how unimportant we are to them.' I absolutely know how this feels. Been there too many times..

I was dumped by a best friend years ago and it's a bloody awful feeling of rejection, like the end of a marriage. There's nothing you can do about it. My ex best friend was saying bloody horrible things about me to people I've never met that got back to me. Our mutual friends all stuck by me though. It's really hurtful but few relationships last your whole lifetime. Xx

Lordamighty, I've got a separate thread about some similarly inconsiderate friends. It's wearing and I constantly flip the situation and think I would never behave the way they do towards them.

Then I forget about it, move on and it happens again. I feel upset and let down and then they charm their way back in. I've just said to Dp that I've had enough now - we're to blame if we keep letting them treat us this way.

I've always found it hard to make friends. I lost a friend 3 years ago (my choice) due to her views with regards using abortion as contraception. I just couldn't bring myself to be friends with somebody like that. To this day I do think about her and the fun times we used to have but I wouldn't change my decision if I could go back.

I moved somewhere new 5 years ago, made friends with 3 other women, 2 of whom I was very close too, so much so they were my bridesmaids. 1 of them has always been self absorbed but I knew that about her and accepted it. She makes friends really easily and unfortunately those new friends are now more important.
The other friend has had so much shit to deal with since I first met her and I have been by her side for all of it. I would always drop things to help her out.
Last year I got some life changing news and for once (I'm very emotionally independent) I felt like I needed somebody to prop me up and I thought that would be her but unluckily for me I was wrong. I feel like it's a friendship that goes one way but the one thing that's stopping me from distancing my self from her completely is that I will then have no one. I know that probably sounds really selfish on my part but I'm so scared of going back to having nobody but my dh.

I'm sorry op but I don't really think I have helped.

all posts and experiences are welcome, vent away. I started the thread to try and have somewhere to go with my feelings.

Hi Time, can relate to your story. Had a very intense friendship with a woman when our sons were toddlers about 18 years ago. She used to ring me when I got back from school after we'd just talked at school gate and she'd send me long emails. We had a fair amount in common and intellectually she was interesting but I found I needed space from her as she could be quite overbearing at times. She turned on me in a vicious email attack in most bizarre way following this: she found out I'd not shared information which a mutual acquaintance (who knew my friend more) had told me about the acquaintance 's child. The acquaintance had specifically asked me not to disclose to anyone so I respected her request. When my friend found out I'd not shared this information with her, she attacked me in an email. I think there was jealousy there. But this was obviously a red herring as I think it was time up for the friendship. Initially, I didn't handle it well as she has a sharp tongue. I was reeling afterwards and felt people I told minimised the whole thing. But I later had a sense of relief she was out of my life. But i remember a sense of real loss afterwards and it aftected the way I relate to female friendships and my sense of trust. The one thing that reassured me was that this person had had spats with many people locally and her neighbours wouldn't talk to her after she was so rude to them. I think she liked to intimidate so I'm well rid of her but I try to remember the good times. I do therefore understand complete how devastating it can be but it's not always easy to admit this as much as it would be in a sexual relationship.