absolutley hate myself

[louisejanep]

I've been in a relationship now for 4 years, a while ago another person kissed me and I went along with it a very drunken mistake. For the last 4 years I have lived with guilt every single day it has crossed my mind, I've been physically sick suffered attacks of panic. My partner has questioned me about it for the whole of r 4 ye relationship and I have been petrified to admit I've cheated. We have lived together a long time and we now have a baby together. The baby is my absolute world he is absolutely amazing and so clingy to me altho now 9 months old I will not let him be separated from me we spend everyday together. A couple of days ago my partner said he can't get it out of his head that I had cheated on him and he made me swear on my little boys life and I did in the middle of the argument without even thinking. After that split second of madness I felt physically sick that I said that and felt like an absolute vile human being knowing that I lied to such an extent. I haven't ate for days and feel physically sick that something bad is going to happen to my child I'm shaking writing this message. I know I'm a terrible person and going to sicken anyone who reads this. I'm desperate to take back what I said but obviously I can't. I'm a physical wreck at the moment Incase anything happens to my baby.

Saying I swear on a life really really does not mean something bad will happen

What is bad is your relationship. For whatever reason your partner does not trust you so for four long years at least he's been doubting you

Would your mum and dad have room for you to move back in with the baby? That's what I would do. No need to admit a drunken kiss with someone else right at the start of your relationship.

Good luck

4 years of psychological torture for a kiss?
I don't think the kiss is the problem in your relationship.
And you are way too stressed about this swearing on head of child thing - magic is widely proven not to exist.

I think your relationship sounds deeply unhealthy and you sound overly stressed/anxious.

I also think it might be good to talk about this with supportive people. Your GP?

What is your partner like generally? Does this fit in with a pattern of anuse/control?

Was it just a kiss?

I suspect that your partner didn't/doesn't believe you, hence why he has continued to ask you over the past 4 years, and because you haven't been able to put it behind you he knows something is up.

Two options: Put it behind you and accept you can't change the past or tell your partner. If you tell your partner it is unlikely he will accept that it was just a kiss and he will continue to question you, plus he will be hurt that you lied for so long. The second option may just ease your conscious.

If I were your partner and it was just a drunken kiss then I wouldn't want to know. However your partner sounds like he is mentally anguished which isn't fair.

So either come clean or learn to put it behind you and move forward positively.

Swearing on your own or someone else's life means nothing otherwise practically every cheater in the world would either be dead or grieving.

You do sound as though there are bigger issues at play in your relationship.

things have not been great . when they have been goodthey have been great, got along really well. in general he vry mcuh keeps himself to himself. I have met his best mate twice. Hes good with our baby but doesnt do any of the feeds he jokingly swears constantly around him which I hate and make a point of it and he calls me a moaner. i have met up with a lot of women fromm the antenatal groups and made lots of friends, and all their husbands come along when theres family fun days/events on but he has always refused to mix. I haae to constantly make up excuses of his whereabouts. When i ask him why he always says they all sound like w or something along those lines even though they are the lovliest bunch of people. I just think we are very different. Because of my guilt though I tend to excuse alot of things he says/does as I think its only fair. I do forget about it and move on then when he brings it up its brings everything back up to the surface and I literally dont sleep or eat for days worrying.

If it was just a kiss then I really think you need to forget it & move on, all the angst for such a silly thing that happened some time ago is seriously unhealthy.
I do agree with the others though, your relationship doesn't sound at all good, is there a reason why he has no trust in you?
& no, nothing is going to happen to your child-have you spoken to a HCP about your anxiety?

X-post, he really sounds not good & very draining, if it was me I'd end it-it's clearly not a partnership that makes you happy, sorry.

is there a reason why he has no trust in you?

It sounds like he has reasonably good instincts tbh - spidey senses and all that. The OP has cheated on her partner but people seem to be suggesting the partner is being unreasonable for suspecting this is the case.

Based on what you're saying OP (and I'm not going to form a judgement on your OH based on one side of the story) it does sound as if you have an anxiety disorder. If you weren't worrying about this then it'd be something else (and I suspect you know that). I think the advice to go and see your GP is good.

I saddens me how often I read people's descriptions of a DP/DH being "good with the baby" where such "goodness" is rarely anything of the sort. I honestly can't see anything good about refusing to help with the practicalities such as feeding (assuming he won't change nappies either?) and being disengaged from family life.

Does your guilt over the kiss at the start of your relationship make you think you don't deserve to be happy?

It would depend on your definition of cheating really, kissing someone else isn't great but if that's all it was, one drunken kiss, then no his spidey sense isn't spot on at all-he's insecure & making the OP suffer for it.
Her description of him in her last post makes him sound awful either way.

Please know that nothing bad will happen to your ds because you swore on his life while under extreme duress due to having been emotionally abused by his df for the past 4 years.

It may help ease your torment if you go to your nearest catholic church, light a candle to the Madonna or any saint of your choosing, and pray for forgiveness which WILL be granted to you.

Alternatively light a small white candle at any time of the day or night while you're at home, spend a few moments in quiet reflection, and ask any deity of your cboice to pardon your error. Leave the candle to burn down and know that your mistake has been erased for all time.

That's the easy bit and you now need to offload the details of what took place 4 years ago and why you have tolerated your partner making frequent reference to it ever since?

You deserve so much more, honey, and there's no shortage of sympathetic listeners here who'll help you end your misplaced guilt over an event that is long past and has no place in your present or your future.

No wonder you kissed someone else. I would too, if he was my Partner.

Forgive yourself. It was ages ago. You regret it. You can't keep thinking about it.

I find it very odd, that he would still be harping on about this, 4 years later. Jeepers!

Are you sure he's not cheating? Cheaters often try to deflect.

Having read your update, the father of your child is a foul mouthed sexist pig who will be the worst possible role model for your ds and you are best advised to take steps to leave him asap.

Do you have supportive friends/family members who can help you unscramble your mind in order that you can do what you have to do to protect your dc from his df's unreasonable rantings?

So you've been in the relationship for 4 years and the kiss was 4 years ago too?

If it was just a kiss and was right at the start of the relationship then I don't know.. it's not that big a deal. I'd say you feel haunted and guilty about it because that's how he's making you feel about it?

Stop beating yourself up and move on and rather than excuse his behaviour because of your guilt.

Perhaps he constantly asks you if you have been unfaithful because he knows how selfish he is and assumes it's only a matter of time before you find someone better.