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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice please, unsure if I'm just overreacting

44 replies

Katiejane88 · 08/02/2016 21:16

Hi I'm just looking for some advice, our DC was born 18 month ago. Since dc was born we have not been good, I feel like I was unsupported emotionally after the birth. During the birth etc dh was fantastic and really really helped me but then I was in hospital for 9 days, I was awake every hour our dc was in special care I had to go down and feed and comfort also I had to go down to help with injections etc. dh stayed with me at hospital but moaned constantly that he was getting no sleep.... He was going off during the day for hours and coming back he told me he had been for a wank!!!!! Last thing I really wanted to hear tbh?! I remember crying one day because I was tired and stressed in hospital he just ignored me. When we got home he was very hands on helping out etc and we started to get close again but then he started obsessively watching porn and stopped taking an interest in me. I even found him looking at sex workers. I told him that I couldn't cope with lack of sex etc and he promised to stop porn next day I took dc to hospital appointment I came home and he's in bed watching porn. He then said he would stop but still I've saw more and more whenever I go out the house. We only sleep together once a week now and it lasts seconds. We used to be really close but now not. We constantly argue and I tell him I'm unhappy and I don't want this but he just says he loves me and doesn't talk. Why does he stay if he knows how unhappy I am? I'm even on antidepressants because of this. I've saw deleted texts to friends and family when he's obviously been talking about me. I just don't understand him if I'm such a bad person and he has such a bad life why is he here????

OP posts:
Katiejane88 · 08/02/2016 22:40

But I can't just get rid of him I have a child with him? I wish I could I wish he would just go away Hmm

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 08/02/2016 22:40

See a solicitor

Do you work?

Katiejane88 · 08/02/2016 22:41

I only work a part time?

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 08/02/2016 22:42

Okay, so you do have something

mumsonthelash · 08/02/2016 22:42

So he looks at sex workers but he talks about you to family and friends. He's manipulating the situation so he doesn't look the bad guy.

mumsonthelash · 08/02/2016 22:44

He wont just be looking he will be using sex workers. Do not be naïve or ignorant. Protect yourself. He is abusive.

Katiejane88 · 08/02/2016 22:45

Oh yeah his family hate me, they think I call them names because he told them I do? All I said was they were being rude which they were. I'm unsure as to wether I can afford soliciting? All my money from work goes on bills etc

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/02/2016 22:45

Of course you can get rid of him

You got married, you didn't get locked away in a tower for the rest of your life

mumsonthelash · 08/02/2016 22:48

Take it in small steps. Go to CAB and get some free advice. Detach don't chase him. Think about you and the baby.

Katiejane88 · 08/02/2016 22:50

I'll go to CAB on Wednesday thank you, see what they say. I just can't understand how someone can be like this? We used to be so happy???

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 08/02/2016 22:52

How long have you been together?

AnyFucker · 08/02/2016 22:53

That is a good start, Katie

Katiejane88 · 08/02/2016 22:53

About 5 year married just over a year, he was great until dc was born then started being great again then once we married it went downhill dramatically

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 08/02/2016 22:55

It sounds as if he has some real issues, however that is up o him to deal with

You need to focus on you and DC and getting advice from CAB is a great start

AnyFucker · 08/02/2016 22:56

some abusive men don't show their true colours until they (think they) have you trapped by marriage, lack of finances and having young dc

Christinayangstwistedsista · 08/02/2016 22:56

Ah see, they think they have you then

Katiejane88 · 08/02/2016 22:58

I see what you are saying, it's very strange, he's very nice, everyday, but I just brush him off, he's hurt me too much. Now it's my fault, I know it'll end up 'all my fault '

OP posts:
Lillygolightly · 08/02/2016 22:59

Katiejane

Sounds like he has got a nice little habit/addiction going on, and it must be terrible for you. Don't continue to let him rob your of your self esteem and confidence by allowing him to treat you this way.

You say you can't make him leave and that you have no where to go. Ok then, do the next best thing....move him into the spare room, or if he refuses to do this you move into spare room/or in with the kids. Stop doing his washing, cooking his meals, or anything that constitutes you looking after him in any way, oh and stop giving him any sex. If sex is only lasting seconds than what you can you possibly be getting out of it other than it making you feel more shit. Do not relent of any of these things, don't even give pause for discussion on your behaviour towards him until he is willing to talk honestly about his behaviour towards you.

Just like a teenager or a child he needs to feel the consequences of his actions and it sounds like you have tried to talk to him about it until your blue in the face. Talking obviously isn't working so take action instead, because at the moment he is getting to have his little porn habit and the wifey looking after him and kids. The only consequence he has felt so far is the thorn in his side of you being upset trying to talk to him about it and all he does is shut you down and then carries on how he likes regardless of how it makes you feel.

This is not a nice man, not one that respects your feelings and how his actions affect you, he won't even discuss it. This is no relationship and no way for you to spend your life, not feeling valued and feeling second best to porn.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 08/02/2016 23:00

No, being nice doesn't make up for the lying and cheating...don't let him manipulate you

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