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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Very upset with sister

26 replies

mieow · 22/05/2004 06:52

I will start at the begining as otherwise you will get confused, I have two sisters (one of them is Misdee) and a brother. On monday I had a lady from The Family Fund, which is a charity that help disabled kids, come and assess DS and DD1, my other sister was here. Anyway I had asked for money for a holiday and that was all. The lady from FF then asked me what else I needed (I had a confused look on my face then!!) she put down a tumble dryer(as mine is on its last legs, and I have recently replaced my washing machine, dishwasher, cooker, and the door on my tumble dryer is broken, but I couldn't afford to replace it) some soft garden surfacing, clothing and bedding, and a few computer games for DS. Anyway, I was shocked by this and kept saying "I only asked for a holiday!"
ITs been taken away to be processed now anyway, and my Darling Sister has been talking to Misdee, and saying how unfair it is, and I am getting a new tumble dryer, and how noone gives her anything, and that I have lots of money, we are on Benifits, I have about £20,000 a year (£11,000 of that is CTC) and I only get that amount because I HAVE two disabled kids. That money is for 5 of us. NOw Darling sister's hubby is on about £26,000, she earns about £8,000 part time and she has one kid, with no disabilities.
I live in a council house, she had to buy, that also is hugely unfair in her eyes.
She is really begining to annoy me, as there is no need for this, If I could, I would gladly give up my "freebies" from charities, give up my money and go back to work, if I could make my kids "normal" but I can't. I have to do so much for them, and with DH being off work with his knee, I just want things back to normal, with him at work, and us not claimimg benifits.
Should I confront me lovely sister, who thinks the world owes her something "I can't claim WTC as we are on too much and I only get £10 p/w CTC, its so unfair, and we have a mortage to pay, they don't take that into account when you claim WTC and CTC!!!!"
BTW she is only 21

OP posts:

NomDePlume · 22/05/2004 07:40

meiow, I feel for you. It must be sooooooo frustrating and down-right infuriating to be told, in essence that you are 'freeloading', especially by a member of your own family.

If I'm honest, I wouldn't bother trying to explain it to your sis. I'm sure she knows this stuff already but she still likes to have a good old fashioned rant about it ! You say 'only 21' as if it is a reason/excuse for her to be so ignorant and narrow-minded, 21 is plenty old enough to sort truth from fiction ! I know it's hard but I would just try to 'tune out' when she starts on about how unfair everything is, I suspect you'd just drive yourself mad trying to 'justify' your household income to her.

Sorry, that wasn't much help !

tiamaria · 22/05/2004 07:45

Mieow - I can't write much now as the kids need breakfast. I'd suggest that you say very little and do what you can to ignore her behaviour. (The least said, soonest mended approach). She sounds very immature and will probably look back at this with shame in a year or two. You've done the right thing for your children. The support system is there to help and I hope you get the things on your list. I hope your dh's knee gets better and that he is back to work soon. In the meantime, enjoy the lovely sunshine as a family! Good luck!

geordiegirl · 22/05/2004 07:49

Ask her to babysit your 2 children for a short time one day- she'd soon realise who has the best deal in life and that material possessions cannot make up for the sweat and tears it takes to look after children with special needs ( you could also point out that if you "gave up" on your children and let the state look after them it would cost a dam sight more and her taxes would be paying!!)- You need a medal not a sister with attitude!your ds needs to grow up! Don't beat yourself up for her failings!!

misdee · 22/05/2004 08:06

btw, she also hates the fact i get extra moeny for dd1 and dh. she winds me up too sometimes. i told mieow as i am fed up with younger sis attitude. love her to bits as she is our sister, but she doesnt have the endless round of appointments, she can take her dd swimming whenever she wants (my dd1 skin would be bad to do this more than once a week). i spend over an hour most nights applying creams. we are always down the chemist, we alomst always have a hospital/docs appointment most weeks. she told me it was unfair as i would be offered a 3bed house soon. what is unfair is seeeing my dh struggle to get upstairs. i know she doesnt like the fact we're getting a new car, she asked the other day if dh would be able to walk dd1 to nursery. he cant. its uphill part of the way, he struggles to get past the shops which is halfway there so i know he wouldnt be able to get dd1 to nursery. i dont know what to say to her most of the time, i just mumbles something about £18 for 3 knickers for dd1 at her the other day.

Galaxy · 22/05/2004 08:08

message withdrawn

misdee · 22/05/2004 08:13

yes, please dont get me into trouble with her. she is scary!

Original poster

mieow · 22/05/2004 10:59

Well, also she asked Misdee if I buy my kids "new" clothes, well I do, but most of it comes from Car boots sale and second hand shops, and what they have is lovely. I have two pairs of the same trousers for DD1 and DD2 that I have brought from car boots, and sister has brought the same ones from Next at full price.
BTW got everything on the list

OP posts:

misdee · 22/05/2004 11:10

i want you to get boucey floor for the kids play area. i wanna bounce!!

eddm · 22/05/2004 11:25

Sorry but your sister is stupid, thoughtless and selfish. If I was in your shoes I'd avoid her. I had to do that with my middle sister, who I love very much, because she upset me dreadfully when ds was born and, at the time, with a newborn, I just couldn't cope with her. Pre-birth we were very close. It's sad but she just attacked me when I wasn't strong enough to take it. Even though I knew she had been through an awful experience a few weeks before (almost raped by an intruder) that probably had a lot to do with her lashing out, I just couldn't deal with it. I needed all my energy for ds, not her. I have tried to put the damage right, even if it means me apologising when it should be her, frankly, but it is still not OK. Luckily, like you, I have another, younger, sister. Middle sister who attacked me was also verbally very cruel to younger sister, who was pregnant. But we try and support each other so neither hits back at our middle sister when we know she is very vulnerable. I just wish she was able to understand that we were vulnerable too, at the time she lashed out, although for happy reasons.

twiglett · 22/05/2004 14:22

message withdrawn

Original poster

mieow · 22/05/2004 14:50

But I am only 25 myself, I had DS at 19, he was diagnosed with Cerebral palsy when I was 21, just before I had DD1, she was diagnosed when she was just 1, so I was 22.
My parents have said to ignore it all, as she is very money obessessed, and they understand how hard it is for us.

OP posts:

Original poster

mieow · 22/05/2004 15:04

In case it got lost in my reply, WE GOT EVERYTHING FROM THE FAMILY FUND!!!!!! recieved a letter this morning, with a huge cheque and a form for the tumble dryer.......

OP posts:

coppertop · 22/05/2004 15:12

Congratulations Mieow!

eddm · 22/05/2004 15:13

Hurrah! Glad you've had some good news Mieow

Original poster

mieow · 22/05/2004 15:17

Haven't told Darling sis that we have got EVERYTHING, as she will freak out, DH is very p*ssed off with her, and she has just phoned me saying she might come round later, OMG what do I do??

OP posts:

LucyJones · 22/05/2004 16:15

Take a deep breath, keep calm and don't bring the subject up unless she does

misdee · 22/05/2004 17:50

ah thats why she phoned me as well. but i was out.

Original poster

mieow · 22/05/2004 17:52

That was fun, she brought up the subject, seemed happy for us, but could tell she was p*issed off. She then moaned she has no money and has no money for the holiday we are all going on in 3 weeks (I have £380 now!) she seems very stressed out, I have given her two packs of nappies (that I get free from the nappy service) as I had some spare to help her out.
Why do I feel so awful? She was getting stressed at her DD because she wouldn't eat (welcome to our world!!)

OP posts:

Original poster

mieow · 22/05/2004 17:53

Misdee she wants to know when you are paying the loan

OP posts:

misdee · 22/05/2004 17:59

the money went into her account at the beginning of the month.

gothicmama · 22/05/2004 18:11

Glad you got the help you sister may have financial worries that she has not discussed or maybe just does not see the reality of yuor situation hope you can all sort it out and have fun on your hols are you going anywhere nice

Original poster

mieow · 22/05/2004 18:22

She has money to go out, she asked me to to the cimera last night, and she has savings, which I can't understand why she doesn't use it, but she has "no money"
We are going to great yarmouth, we went in March on a cheap deal (£54 for a week for 5 of us ) and the kids loved it, just hope the weather is nice

OP posts:

coppertop · 22/05/2004 18:31

Don't feel bad about it. You both deserve every penny you get. I'd still be tempted to 'accidentally' leave her alone for a while with your children and see just how 'easy' life is for you.

I haven't even bothered mentioning our DLA to my family because I'm pretty sure I'd get a similar reaction. Some people just don't want to understand.

gothicmama · 22/05/2004 18:39

Hope the weather is good Great Yarmouth is nice have not been there for ages.

Original poster

mieow · 22/05/2004 20:14

Well she will have taste for it as we are all sharing a caravan for a week, she will see all the exerises, the screams, the fights, etc....

OP posts:

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