I think she loves me, but she's not IN LOVE with me....

[Bashfulbear]

I really don't if I should be posting on this site but I am a desperate man in need of some help / advice pleeeeeaase... Am I being unreasonable?
Umm, where do I start? I think she loves me but I don't believe she's IN-LOVE with me - is there a difference; yes, I think deffo. My dw & I have been married for 16 yrs(gulp, where does time go?) and for the most part, we have been pretty happy until the last 3 yrs or so. We have 3 nippers who are all challenging and make life v. hard work, normal I know.
Why do I think the above? Because, she shows me no affection, rarely kisses me, not interested in being intimate, but shows her family/siblings plenty of affection. Like many many parents, we rarely spend decent time together. Therefore, I have planned a couple of surprise trips minus the kids and I really hope, REALLY HOPE that this will help to get things a little more on track. By nature, I am not good at telling her what I really feel. I tell her that I love her, tell her that she looks great in XYZ, buy flowers out of the blue, send her texts with some short note about how much I love her (she just thinks this is cheesy) leave post-its telling her nice stuff, cook, help out here and there with household chores and help out with the kids etc etc,. I try really hard but feel it's just falling on deaf ears and it's rarely appreciated. She never tells me she loves me (only in reply to my gestures), pulls away from me if I try and kiss her on the lips (no, my breath doesn't stink!). I even held the fort whilst she went away for 10 days and when she got back, it was like she has never been away. The stress bucket has returned to the house.
I don't think she will want to go to marriage counselling but I will try anything. I adore her even though she often drives me nuts (!). I am also undergoing therapy for depression (caused by this maybe?) and an anxiety disorder.
Should I write a long letter telling how I really feel or is this bad form? I am really lonely, lost and in desperate need of love and affection. I think this is allowed? Am I being unreasonable?
Sorry for the long long rant.... hoping for some help.

The analogy about trying to hit the 'on' button all the time is a good one. She's a person. It's not going to work to keep trying to get more out of her.

Honestly, I do know that it is horrible. And it's only natural to try to get things back to how they were. But it's her that has to do it. Not you.

The more you chase her, the faster she is going to run.

Talk to her and find out why she is a 'stress bucket'.

Forget about all the romance and sex, that will only come when she feels less stressed. Don't guess with the IOU book.

There might be an issue you are not aware of and has nothing to do with you eg she feels she needs a change of career.

I find my partner the most attractive when I feel supported by him and happy in the way my life is going and how he supports this.

I don't think anyone thinks their partner is the type to have an affair, don't be naive.

Instead of chucking a load of gifts, surprises and iou's her way, why not just talk to her?

Oh and she'll probably see the iou's, flowers, whatever as you hoping for sex. Stop trying to guess, and talk.

I agree with other posters on here. You have to be more direct with her. The things you are planning may be just more stuff that has her guessing whatyou are up to or she may just see it as cheesy. I think you are in the dark but afraid to pull the light cord for fear of what you may see. I can only speak for myself but I would appreciate someone asking me to sit down for a brew and a chat, that person making a brew for me and asking me a direct question such as, 'Are you happy in our marriage?' If she says yes or no then say, 'I am not happy with the current situation, I am not getting anything that I need and want from the marriage and take the conversation from there. Do not be challenging or dramatic just honest. If she gets arsey, tell her you are not asking for anything out of the ordinary. The situation as it is isn't working for you and doesn't sound like it's great for her. Even in the event where she swears she is as happy as it's possible to be, it's not working for you anyway, unless you do something a bit radical you will still be in the same situation a year from now.
Without wishing to sound harsh, stop thinking up big gestures. It's not worked in the past. I know you are shying away from talking to her about this but it sounds like this has gone way past tinkering around the edges. Good luck to you. It sounds really hard doing all the running. I have been in a similar place but once I saw that I was getting nowhere, I left. Not so easy with DCs though I imagine

Meant to add, your depression and anxiety will be linked to this I am certain. You have all the disadvantages of marriage with kids, work, daily grind etc. and few of the advantages. Depression and anxiety in these circumstances is only to be expected surely?

Thanks for the many words of wisdom. As said I'm in a desperate state and thought about doing terrible things to myself last night. But have calmed down now.
Having read all posts, think going to ditch the iou book. But what instead for V day? What s going to be romantic and tell / show her my affections without putting pressure on her, making her run, and not looking like all I am after is one thing? .
Due to my anxiety, can't talk to her about all of this yet. Just wanted to do next best thing. Soooooo confused!!

I suspect that your anxiety will only build the longer you put off having an honest conversation about things.

Are you getting counceling/treatment for your anxiety? Does your DW know the extent of your anxiety and distress at the moment?

For V day? Get a nice card, maybe some flowers. It's fine to just do that.

Please don't attempt to make v.day into a massive show of affection and being romantic. You need to step back now, and think about healing yourself and having this talk. Have a rough idea of when you are going to have an honest talk with your wife and go for it.

I'm wondering if the anxiety and the fear of having this talk (you seem to want to put it off) are a vicious circle somehow.

Yes, on medication and having therapy but it's early days. I've just got back from a walk where I had to call Samaritans. I'm in such a bad way that I can't face "the talk" and anymore rejection. I said to SAMs that I felt I maybe it would be better if I weren't here... She talked me round but that's how I've been feeling. What a flipping mess I am - totally lacking courage, confidence and just in need of some simple affection. I have to go now...

What makes you think your cheesiness will work this time if it hasn't worked before?

She takes you for granted. She's possibly having an affair.
Don't plan anything for valentines.

You sound a needy. Needy is not attractive.

Do what whatsthat wrote, work on yourself.
Work on fixing yourself for the next 6 months. In 6 months time, you assess how you feel.

I'm sorry you are feeling so shit.
But you can't fix this all on your own.
I'm starting to agree with others here.
I know you want to 'save' this but from your last post you need to save yourself first.
It may be a good idea to step away completely.
Really work on getting 'you' back and then see what can be salvaged from this relationship.

I can't be doing with all the valentines crap. It's a made up pile of shite.
My OH and I always have a quick conversation about it and agree to do bog all.
It's great for youngsters but I don't get it at all now I'm older.

Work on YOU and then take it from there.

Call the Samaritans when ever you need to. Post on here when you are feeling really low. Start a new thread. People can help you through it.

I wouldn't do anything for Valentine's day.

I used to hate Valentines day when I was in a bad relationship with my X. I have never given it a thought since I've been single but when I was in a bad relationship I really, really hated it. Ever since then, I've always said to any bf that he is to ignore Valentines day (they breath a sigh of relief) and then I say ''I just want you to be affectionate/communicative/respectful to me every day''. (Easy, right!)

You do sound a bit needy. WHich isn't a criticism, but the reason you're not coping well with growing apart. You are ''alone'' in the relationship really (as is she) and you haven't got used to that at all, you're still feeling desperate.

Also, if you initiate the conversation and ask the right questions, she may not be brave enough to answer them. She is probably asking herself, could we survive a split, would he fight me in court over access? would he fight me in court over maintenance? could we afford it? what kind of hovels would we all end up living in? will the children be brought up in poverty if we split? who else would want me with all these kids? is there any point splitting up? ALL OF THESE depressing thoughts went through my head before I got the courage to just rip off the plaster and leave, but if you start your chat with a reassurance that ''whatever you say, however we feel, we will work things out ....'' then it will give her the courage to say how she really feels.

How are you doing OP?