Ex wife trying to divid me from friends and family?

[1DAD2KIDS]

OK short back ground. Me and my ex wife are separated and divorce is in progress. She left for another man eventually leaving me with the kids (I guess they didn't fit her new life). She told some whopping porkies to cover up the affair. She played a horrible game of stringing me along hinting she wanted to try again while secretly cementing her arrangements in her new life with her new man. Turns out she had no interest with working things outs. Basically I don't think she is capable of telling the truth.

Anyway now we have had months of time apart and clear space I had time to think about a few things over the years that don't add up. Basically I have this sinking feeling that all through our relationship she has told porkies or put a different spin on things to turn me against friends and family. So I will give a few examples of the things that I have been thinking about.

First of all she had always said that my mother never liked her. But my mum always seemed to me she liked her. When we were younger we return from our holiday to a lovely surprise 21st birthday party my mum a arranged for her. My mum did lots of nice things her. If she did like my ex why would she do these things? Also she used to go on all the time that it was clear my older brother was my mums favourite. I never saw it my self. Do you think she was trying to turn me against my mum?

We used to be friends with another couple. She always used to claim that female friend in the couple was two faced, stuck up and thought she was better than everyone else. I just used to think that my ex was may a bit paranoid or could she things about this girls personality that I couldn't. Anyway a few years ago my wife told me this girl had told her that she seen me kissing another woman on a night out. This was of course totally false. So I believed that our friend was deliberately telling lies to split me and my ex up out of jealously or something. My wife always claimed this other girl was jealous of our relationship. So obviously we fell out with this couple and stopped talking/seeing them. It has recently come to my mind that maybe it was my ex that was lying and maybe our friend had never said that to her?

My daughter loves playing with her older cousin (my bother and his wife's kid). My wife has always said to me that my niece is very spoilt and jealous of my daughter. She always said it wasn't a good idea for them to hang out together too much as my daughter would get bad habits. My ex was always critical of my niece. Anyway she then started to say we shouldn't leave my niece alone with our daughter as she puts her down all the time and tries to hurt her. Anyway since the separation I have become a lot closer to my brother and me and the kids have been round a lot. I have never seen any of this between my niece and my daughter. In fact they play together great. My niece (an only child) threats her like a little sister and my daughter just cant wait till the next time to her cousin. She asks to go see her all the time. Did my wife make up a smear campaign against my niece and if so why? What would she have against a 9 year old girl?

I went for a cuppa the other day at my cousins (dads side) house. My ex always said my cousin and my mum didn't like each other. They always seemed to get on fine to me but I always assumed my wife could pick up on things that I couldn't. My wife told her that my cousin had told her that she had a deep dark family secret and that's why my mum and her didn't get along. But speaking to my cousin she was speaking highly of my mum and it seemed to me very genuine. Do you think this deep dark secret was fabricated by my wife? Could it be an attempt to undermine my trust in my family?

The above are just a few examples but there was a few things that always sounded a bit odd. She was my wife and I trusted her beyond question. Plus many of this things she said were too big to question. But with the affair and the whopping porkies I have realised that she is a very good liar and willing to tell lies not matter how outrageous. So I do now wonder do the things above sound like she was playing mind games with me? If so what was the game plan? Or is it me being paranoid? Has anyone on here been in the same situation?

It is good that you are finally seeing the light.

It will help you and your DC going forwards that you know this happens and that DV and abuse towards men is as vile as it is towards women.

You have lived and learned from this.

Thanks for the support every one.

I love the idea of letting go of it. I would love to just say well that is that, put it behind me and walk away. But new things keep cropping up, more things that in hindsight weren't right. I hate that I cant just let go but to be homestead I cant. It keeps consuming so much of my head space. I have such a burning need to make sense of it all. That's ridiculous really because how can you make sense of a woman who makes no sense. The worse thing is I feel like such a mug and its highlighted how venerable I am. Feeling like such a mug has hammered my self esteem and confidence.

I just wish I could let it go.

It takes time, but each day helps you through the next. It's ok to be angry, sad, confused. Allow it and see where it takes you.

1dad

I was in exactly the same boat as you, also ex army so proud. I didn't let it affect my self esteem as I was the one who had stuck to my vows so why should I feel bad about myself!!

Yep I get the logic. My brain tells me that all the time but my stupid feelings make me feel like such a muppet for failing to notice what she was doing. Its this failure that makes me feel so rubbish. Makes me doubt my self so much. These revelations have totally destroyed my sense of security because it's highlighted how vulnerable I am to this sort of thing. How stupid of me to blindly trust someone. How stupid of me give my all to that woman. Its the self doubt that has knocked my confidence. It's like I am not sure if I am the person I thought I was and if not who am I?

The feeling stupid is exactly how I felt, it's part of the healing, it passes. It really does.

You trusted someone who wasn't worth your trust. That is their failing, not yours.

Worth supporting your children's positive views of life by being specific about what you like about your family, your friends and their friends - '[Niece] is great, isn't she, she knows so many fun games and always includes everyone' stuff like that. Also positive about her family perhaps. Your ex will be making so many negative comments, though they will probably already have learned not to talk about your family with her, and perhaps increasingly not to talk about their own friends to her as she will always have some undermining comment.