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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

marriage crisis and think it's over.

18 replies

myheadisamess · 07/02/2016 09:10

Been feeling pretty rubbish in my marriage for a long time although there have been ups as well as downs. But for the past year I haven't even been able to even hug or kiss my DH as it just makes me freeze.
I know he's tried a few times and I've just let him but for a few seconds and then wriggled free or feigned "busyness" and getting back to doing something.
But, he also most of the time makes me feel unloved in his interactions with me. He belittles things I say, he criticises my opinion and he doesn't value my contributions to the house (housework, little odd jobs, gardening, planning). He also judges my reactions to things and is emotionally distant.
He is "inert" himself and needs to be told to do things, even socialising, and often lets jobs build up to mammoth tasks before tackling them, or I just do it instead.
I found myself one day just withdrawing altogether, moved into spare room and just stopped talking to him and to some extent withdrawing from my family. I know looking back that was wrong of me, but I just couldn't keep going through the motions. A lot of this time (since December) I have felt like just ending it all but I just couldn't leave my little one and break his heart.
Eventually, we talked and are considering our options. He said he knows I don't love him and he doesn't love me either.
For him, it's because I withdrew from him when I moved into spare room.
I am desperately sad. I don't know why I did this. Why didn't I suggest counselling? There's no way forward because he says it's over.

I have messed everything up. Not really sure what I'm looking for here. Hand holding?

OP posts:

bb888 · 07/02/2016 09:50

I don't think there is any way back when it gets to the stage that you can't stand to have them touch you. It sounds like its maybe been over for a while but you tried to hang onto it and hoped it would get better?

At least if you are both in agreement that its over then hopefully you can work together to get a good outcome here, going forward.

bb888 · 07/02/2016 09:51

(and I don't think you have messed up )

spudlike1 · 07/02/2016 09:56

Your actions have been a consequence of how you feel. How you feel is import
Why should you apologise for how you feel

spudlike1 · 07/02/2016 09:57

Import - important

TheSparrowhawk · 07/02/2016 10:02

He belittles you, devalues you and is inert, but it's your fault the marriage is over? Right. This is just more of his bullshit. You'll be better off without him.

Original poster

myheadisamess · 07/02/2016 16:46

Thank you bb888 I wish I didn't feel that way. Now that we've talked and it's sunk in that he doesn't love me and wants out I feel like all I want is for him to hold me!

I have spent the today looking at old photos, thinking of memories and times when I wish I'd been able to just hold him, kiss him. I don't want us to be apart suddenly, yet I felt like I was living a lie and going through the motions. He has been going about his business like nothing happened, quite chirpy. We haven't spoken to each other today.

I've decided to go to counselling on my own. He says he's not going to even try, but I really need to understand how I'm feeling. I don't want to break up my family. I know I was miserable and unfulfilled but now my mind is awash with nostalgia.

spudulike that is exactly it. I just shut down. Now I wish I had instead instead we talk. Maybe we wouldn't be where we are now. But I can't change that.

OP posts:

Original poster

myheadisamess · 07/02/2016 16:48

insisted we talk. sorry

OP posts:

spudlike1 · 07/02/2016 17:36

Why is he 'chirpy '? sounds as if he is enjoying your pain and feeling like he has the upper hand , are you sure you want to be with this man ?

bb888 · 07/02/2016 17:43

It's possibly that he is relieved that there has been some outcome, if he had been worrying/thinking about it for a long time.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/02/2016 17:57

"He belittles things I say, he criticises my opinion and he doesn't value my contributions to the house (housework, little odd jobs, gardening, planning). He also judges my reactions to things and is emotionally distant."

These things on their own are practically guaranteed to make you unwilling to welcome any intimacy with him. But you've got a full-house with this one.

The retreat the the other bed-room I suspect was to elicit some response from him, so you could clear the air. But I honestly think you need a great deal more than a bit of air-clearing.

Please do not underestimate the damage his behaviour towards you is having on your child. Nearly every woman thinks that their leaving would devastate their children but it's really not true. Think about the effect hearing their mother being constantly criticised and belittled has on them. I expect they dread the prospect of being next in the firing-line.

I suspect you'll rejoice at coming to the end of this, rather than being as sad as you are now.

He ruined your relationship, not you.

bb888 · 07/02/2016 18:01

Please do not underestimate the damage his behaviour towards you is having on your child. Nearly every woman thinks that their leaving would devastate their children but it's really not true.

Definitely. Its easy to think that they don't notice, and that you are the only unhappy one, but its not the case. They will pick up on things and while you are being poisoned by a crappy relationship its going to mean that you don't have as much of you left to give to your child. My children are definitely happier now than they were.

pinkcan · 07/02/2016 18:03

It isn't your fault. You felt unloved and belittled and went to the spare room. A proper husband would have come into the spare room to try and find out what the problem was and try to fix things.

It sounds like you would be happier separated but that it will be a difficult process. I would take things one day at a time and focus on your child. The fact that he is chirpy is bizarre. I think that with the nostalgia, you probably have to think that the man in the photos has changed a lot into the man in front of you, who is not bothering even to speak to you.

Please be kind to yourself and look after yourself and your child. It will be ok and you will get through it. Always post on here if you want some support, don't keep your problems pent up.

newname99 · 07/02/2016 19:00

How old is your dc? I just wondered what caused the withdrawal, did you always feel unloved? Sometimes a relationship goes into a downward spiral, he does, you do, he does and so on..hurt on hurt.

Don't underestimate how being criticised impacts your self esteem and happiness.If you didn't have dc what would you do?

Original poster

myheadisamess · 07/02/2016 20:04

spudlike1 I wondered that too. I have been crying on and off all day, trying to keep it quiet but I look like death too so he'll be fully aware I'm hurting.

Bitter and pinkcan The very next day after I moved into spare room he wanted to talk but I wasn't ready and said no. He never asked again. Life went on in a way.

newname I would definitely have left years ago if it wasn't for DS who is 8.

DH has never been gushy. It's hard to say if I've ever felt loved because when he tried to hug me etc. I felt like he did but in a suffocating, needy way. Sorry, that sounds so horrible of me. And when I look back I know he did, back in the early days. It radiates out from us in those early pics which makes me so sad. But the past few years I felt like I was just conveniently there.

A lot of the time I felt he didn't really like me as a person. He scoffed at that last night though and said he felt the same from me. I suppose I've been responding to those feelings in the downward spiral idea. It got to the point where buying/receiving any kind of gift for/from him (birthday, christmas) felt like a fraud. I just don't know what to think or believe as I feel like I can't remember anything now, like I've blocked everything out. I know I'm rambling and probably not making much sense.

OP posts:

Ramble · 16/02/2016 07:20

Hi, I'm in a fairly similar situation without the talk part or upset. Wanted to send a hug and wondered how you are doing. X

TheNaze73 · 16/02/2016 08:10

Without casting accusations & just playing devils advocate, is he like that because you wriggle free when he's trying to be affectionate? The only differentiator between great friends & a "couple" per se, is sex & intimacy. If he can't express that, that could be a reason for him to retract. It's a bit chicken & egg as to what's started it. Not necessarily here but, with relationship conflict generally

Original poster

myheadisamess · 17/02/2016 20:07

Hi Ramble, sorry to hear that. Thanks for the hug - sending one back x
I feel waves of sadness and disappointment but also some relief and hope. Deep down, it's for the best.
I've had one appt with solicitor, so it now feels official.

TheNaze73 He has ED so sex hasn't been in our lives for around 6 years now. But, I stayed with him and accepted this. Eventually, however, I just didn't want any intimacy at all. Couldn't bear even a kiss.

I suppose I feel like I've been making sacrifices and allowances for years, but as soon as he feels unhappy it's all over. I feel like a prize mug.
I'm trying not to allocate blame, and to just accept that we have grown apart and need to try to move on as amicably as possible.

OP posts:

Marchate · 17/02/2016 21:10

Men see it from a different angle, Naze. You see it one way - sex/intimacy is all that differentiates a marriage from a flat share. Some (many?) women could name several aspects of partnership that are al least as important. Maybe a male PoV is relevant on some threads. I can't say for sure

myheadisamess - the allowances you have made for years count for nothing in his estimation, because his comfort and happiness takes priority. No great loss!

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