VENT: my husband's family prefer his EX

[NewMama15]

Hi everyone

Today I just want to vent a little because I have really had enough of my husband's ex girlfriend taking over my life. She has a 5 year old with my husband who was 1 and a half when I got married to my husband and we have a now 2 year old. So basically this woman lives not too far from my husband's family house and she is there all the time she got married then divorced but she is like always there. Fair enough he has been with her for 10 years. So on Thursday my husband burried his mom and while in church she comes to do a reading alongside my husband's nieces. While reading the church program I saw my name and her name listed as daughters in law!!!! Seriously they have crossed the line big time, they are Nigerian and she is like them i was never asked whether I want to do a reading I was never told anything but she is the one representing my husband when I told these things to my husband and how that made me feel he was like : oh I didn't know I was as surprised as you, but he didn't want to do anything about it, if he wants this relationship to last then I think he should talk to his sisters now now but maybe in a month or so because that was disrespectful. The next day out I brought up the same issue and he told me that what I am saying is stupid and idiotic!!!! Honestly I can't stand him or his family anymore his ex will always be there and I will never have a place in his family. Tell what do you think or whether I am overreacting please

She is the mother of one of his children, she doesnt just cease to exist because hes moved on.

He had a life before you, they like her, get over it.

Wow, how quickly people seem to have jumped to subjective assumptions about the O.P's character based on a few tidbits of information. She's 'not a nice person' etc. My God. You really need a bullet proof vest before posting something that leaves you open and vulnerable here sometimes!

Could it be OP, that you've been feeling undermined in terms of full acceptance within the family for some time and this event, no matter how trivial or even acceptable it is, has been the last snap of the thread so to speak? It must be painful to love your husband and desperately want to be on equal footing with his family, and yet feel like little more than a fond outsider. To make it worse, you are constantly aware that someone else was considered more family/liked than you. That has got to grate. I understand your 'Nigerian' reference comment as meaning that they identify more with the ex, because they have a shared culture, and this adds to your feeling of exclusion. I would find this hard to deal with after a prolonged length of time, more so after marriage and a child.

Other posters may say that it's good to show love to an ex and grandchild, and that's fine. But here it seems that they've gone beyond this, and are actively demonstrating not just continued love and loyalty, but preference regardless of, and in complete passivity to your feelings. I agree with a poster who said everyone should know their place. Nostalgia is not necessarily conducive to moving forward or accepting reality. Which may be the problem here.

Whilst you are completely wrong to make this an issue at such a sensitive time, I can understand your feelings on the fact that she was asked to read, but you were not asked at all. Even though he is grieving, I cannot imagine how he could think it best for his ex to give a reading and his wife not. Fine they were together 10 years, so she may know your MIL better, but surely space could have been made for you to speak also? Had I been the ex, I would not be comfortable with that arrangement. It sounds like she was only too happy to still be considered an essential family member above you. I imagine you are actually also grieving, albeit to a lesser degree; this is your child's mother. Had I been attending such a funeral, it is something I would have remarked on as a bit strange, and it would tell me everything about the family dynamics.

But due to the sensitivity of the timing, I do not think you should try and tackle this now. You will not get a good reception from your DH. I would leave it a few months, and then confront the issue, but whatever you do, do not blame the ex, or make it appear that you are jealous. It will not go down well. You have to also accept that your husband may always be tied in at least a small way to his ex. But there are boundaries and clearly you are not happy with where these lie. I think you have a right to more support from your DH.

FWIW. I think you are a nice person and sometimes, under duress,not, just like most people, including myself

Fucking hell.
I've been separated from my ex husband longer than we were married. He has a partner he's been with a similar length of time as we were married. I am incredibly close to his grandmother and she often refers to me as her 'daughter in law' (rather than ex-granddaughter-in-law) as that is how she thinks of our relationship. I would hate that my ex's partner feels the same way towards me as you do to your husband's ex. In fact, I know he values the relationship me and his grandmother have, as surely the more people love someone, the better?

Bluebell, you seem to have a similar posting style (and opinion) as the op.

Was it fidelia who posted so kindly and sensitively yet you felt it was an attack. Read through fidelia's carefully worded post again. She has made some very good points. I didn't think she was attacking.

As others are saying, it really would be very unkind to bring up with the SILs and your husband your upset that Dh"s ex read a reading at the funeral - they are grieving. It must have felt like a snub that she read a reading and you weren't asked to but it looks like she was close to your MIL and perhaps your MIL specifically planned for her to do a reading.

I wonder, are you hurt or offended - which is the most important to you? You don't come across as very nice here op and you're going to have to come across in a nicer way if you hope to have a place in the family's affections.

Your husband has told you that you can't speak to other men?

Forget the ex-partner and ILs business. What kind of man have you married? Is your relationship one of mutual respect and support?

Yes, Alice but would you be happy to give a reading for your ex's mum whilst knowing his wife was being excluded from giving one? Wouldn't you find that strange? There are boundaries with ex's that's why they're ex's. I wouldn't want an ex partner intruding in my 'rightful'? Personal? sphere ifyswim.

Antique I wouldn't give a reading for my ex's mum as she's a cunt I would, however, give one for my ex's grandmother if it were her wish for me to do so.

I think RiceCrispieTreats has hit the nail on the head.

I don't think most cultures don't have an established etiquette for what to do about first wives when there is a second wife. I don't know specifically about Nigerians.

Most of my MIL's brothers remarried and the family took the stance of totally ignoring the second marriage and when there was a party, the men would bring their original wives.

I had a dd with her son without getting married, we separated and then he married. That really threw her. They loved my dd and were very fond of me, but the WIFE insisted that I shouldn't visit. My ex has now gone through two wives and a lover and I get to visit in between. Such a shame and hard for my dd growing up, but everyone is improvising in these situations.

The fact that your husband's family love this woman does not mean that they compare her with you and, personally, I would be glad not to have to give a reading.

But how can you accept that you are no longer allowed to talk to other men? Now that is a problem

My mum and dad divorced. My mum and my dads family still consider themselves family. My mum is included in all family occasions (they split up 24 years ago!).

My dad and my mum are best mates, mum and step-mum are best mates and go out together without my dad. Me, step sister, mum and step-mum go out a fair but and my step niece was confused as to why my daughters nan wasn't hers!

If anyone were to tell us we weren't right to be a family like this I'd consider them to be small minded and petty.

Strong relationships with people don't just form or break because they are involved or have split with someone we have in common, unless that relationship was only ever facile.

They blatantly prefer ex to you. That's why she was asked to do a reading. A funeral is a deeply personal thing, as is giving a reading and I wouldn't ask someone to do a reading at a funeral just to appease them.

And yes, if ex's mum was someone I was close to and loved, I would be honoured to give a reading at a funeral and wouldn't think it was inappropriate at all.

i don't think I would like it if my DHs family were as close to his ex as these appear to be...but I don't think me not liking it is a go enough reason for the family to cut her off. Fwiw we are very close to one of Dbs exes (mother of dn) db treated her like shit and if his new partner had a problem with this, it would be very much tough shit.

I wonder if you marrying him when he had an 18 month old son to her has anything to do with it? Did he leave her whilst pregnant? How are they with you generally?

You say in your OP you can't stand your husband and he thinks you are being stupid and idiotic. He also doesn't let you speak to other men....he also got married rather quickly after getting his partner of 10 years pregnant. I think you need to take a long look at your relationship.

I think there are two things being confused here and consequently the O.P's( whose unlikely to return after the bashing she's received) point is being lost. It is all good and we'll for the family to continue showing love and affection to the husbands previous partner and their child. Wouldn't be a nice family if they didn't. The O.P is (suggesting at least) that they prefer and show favouritism towards her as a partner to their son, and consequently diminish the O.P.s standing as his current wife now, and that there may be some cultural bias involved in this which makes her feel excluded. The point is not that the ex was allowed to read at the funeral. The point is that in addition to referring to the ex as a DIL even though they never married, they also asked her to read whilst not allowing the wife to do so. That would feel like nothing more than a blantant snub, and I'm sure the O.P is also grieving a little and that this would really hurt.

In my own personal opinion it is good to maintain bonds of love with the family you once belonged to. But there is a line. That line should be recognition that there is another partner now. It's very similar to meddling in-laws who ignore the line that the DS/DD has someone else whose welfare now trumps theirs. It was not inappropriate for the ex to speak. It was inappropriate for her to speak in capacity as DIL whilst the wife did not and wasn't even asked.

She isn't entitled to read at the funeral, she isn't entitled to a closer relationship with the family just because she's the current wife. A line wasn't closed by listing the ex and a DIL because that's how they feel about her.

This is about the relationship the ex has with the family. It's very close.

She isn't close, that can't be forced and may come with time after 10 years of being part of the family. That doesn't diminish the standing of the new wife, just that they aren't close, maybe they never will be. That's between the OP and the family and can not be forced nor should it be faked.

Joysmum That may well be how they feel about her. Good for her! But in a family that respects their childs/brother's marriage that shouldn't be how they refer to her formally.

My brother had a lovely girlfriend who meshed with us from the day we met her. With her it felt more like we had regained a family member, not that we had found a new one. For me personally, I really would have gained a sister. Very unfortunately, things did not work out because my brother's an idiot. We all love her and still keep in touch; she now has two gorgeous children with someone else, and my mum sends them Xmas presents etc. None of us has gelled as closely with his new girlfriend (whom he later moved 300 miles away to live with), and being around her sometimes feels awkward although not strained or anything. She's a very nice person too, but the feeling is different. My mother will still, 9 years later, say she wished my brother was still with his ex. But she would never ever say so in front of my brother's partner, or even mention her when around her, out of respect for my brothers partner and their relationship.

None of us would. When we're with her, we concentrate on her and my brother. When we talk to the ex, similarly we don't refer to brother's current partner (not that she cares anymore) The funeral scenario just would not happen. I imagine my mother would want both to speak (the ex in capacity as close family friend) as they are both important to our family in different ways.

It must be more difficult for the family as they have a granchild too. However imo, whilst it is O.k. for the family to show love for the ex and grandchild, it is not OK to add stress to the O.P's relationship by pretending that nothing has changed, and constantly making it obvious that they prefer her. Perhaps it is just a cultural thing, but I don't believe that anyone would find such a situation O.k were they the wife.

Building relationships requires a solid foundation. Trying to build one when you're not on an equal footing to begin with is very difficult as the O.P is experiencing.

Well done AntiqueSinger, you explained very well in your posts what I was trying to tell. We have very similar views on this.
I hope OP is well and is not very upset and chooses the right thing to do.
I don't think her dh and his family will change.

AntiqueSinger

Her DH is not upset by this though so its not t the same as in your situation and more like mine.

My DM is still a DIL/SIL despite splitting up with my dad. My dad has no issues with this, if he did then my dads side of the family would respect his wishes.

I agree with you bluebell they're not going to change sadly. I also hope the O.P is not too upset by the earlier tone of the thread.

Joysmum I get that. I think you are right in that it is down to the O.Ps husband to intervene. However the general gist of the comments thus far is for the O.P. to just like it or lump it.

Having the ring is one thing, but it means nothing if you're married to a man and he doesn't make you feel any more important - in this case less important - than his ex.

The O.P is not happy and unfortunately there are a lot of wives with partners who put their families feelings above theirs, in every situation, which is what the o.p. is experiencing in this scenario. Her DH doesn't put her interests or feelings on the matter first or make her feel more important than the ex. He allows his family to set the tone for his wife's standing and acceptance in the family.

Unfortunately the O.P. appears to have made the classic mistake of marrying a man who cannot think for himself where his family is concerned, as I believe if he put his foot down, the situation would be resolved. I really think she has an uphill battle on her hands.

If that's how they feel there isn't a lot you can do about it. I'd have as little to do with them as possible. If you feel they don't accept you then don't accept them. I can see things from both points of view. But your husband has married you and she is an ex. Until they accept that I can't see the point of having anything to do with them. Let your husband and child carrry on visiting but you keep away.

So my thoughts are the OP needs to raise this with her DH and explain how it makes her feel and then ask what can be done about it.

If he won't step up its a DH problem )as all PIL issues seem to be on MN!).

If he will, then it's a family problem if they don't respect him enough to be more diplomatic.

You can only manage your own relationships with people, nobody else's unfortunately.

Not true in the case of in laws.

Do they really prefer her or just have more in common.

I get on very well with my MIL and she is a friend as well as family.

I talk on the phone with her often and if Dh and I split up I couldn't imagine not having a relationship with this special women who has bought so much into my life. In fact I spend more time with MIL than Dh does.

Why would a new partner of Dh take all that away.