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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

HELP!!! NIGHTMARE MIL STRIKES AGAIN! What do we do?!

12 replies

LadyOfThePoinsettias · 27/12/2006 00:16

The last 2 times we have seen DH's mum she has been 'off' with us. She is renowned for not speaking to people if they are late to a function or if they do soemthing she does not agree with etc, very petty reasons imo.
They are supposed to come to ours every monday night to see the kids as they are moving to spain come march-ish. this arrangement has been in place for 5 weeks and we have seen them 3 times. mil usually gets fil to call 10 mins before they are due to arrive to cancel saying mil isnt feeling well or some such bollocks.
she never wants to hold our 3 month old anyway and can only manage to get to ours well after ds1 has gone to bed- neither of them work on a monday btw.
so, i have a nasty flu-ey bug as does ds1. we were all invited to bil this evening for tea and we were running late as ds1 woke from his nap and was very upset so we spent time consoling him rather than chucking him in the car in a state. i too was just coming round from a nap as i felt like death warmed up. anyway, we get to bils and sure enough, i get the daggers.i knew it was going to happen and i told dh so in the car on the way. she would not look at us throughout the whole evening and was even off with ds1 (17months) ffs!! why punish the kid?! the thing is, we dont even know what we are supposed to have done wrong and she doesnt have the bottle to let us know. i told dh she was not speaking to me and dh told me she was the same with him. later in the evening, bil was in the kitchen getting a drink and i told him. he said that the last time he saw her she was off with them aswell but tonight she was fine with them. he also said he had just stopped it kicking off between dh and mil as dh had told him he was going to march intot he lounge and ask her outright what the problem was! unfortunately bil had stopped him and asked him not to start a ruck for his sake as sil had gone to a lot of trouble laying the food on etc and they didnt want the evening ruined. dh told him it already had been.
anyway, bil and sil are on our side as they are sick of all the pathetic behaviour aswell. dh has now said he wants nothing to do with her as she is truly pathetic and he thinks she is mentally unstable! unless she is centre of attention she gets a bit put out. for example, when i gave birth to ds2 in sepember at 12.45am and was told i was haemorraging (sp?) and may need an emergency hysterectomy at 23 years old, she told dh the next day that they obviously have 'very different ideas'about what is more important- him being at my side when i thought i was going to die or phoning her to tell her i had had a boy- which we all already knew from the scan.
what is her problem and has anyone else experienced similar?
thanks!!
phew...

OP posts:
AnguaVonUberwald · 27/12/2006 08:40

The positive thing in your story seems to be that she is moving to spain in March. Won't you see a LOT less of her from then on?

LoveMyGirls · 27/12/2006 08:50

If i was him i would write her a letter explaining how he feels and telling her she has the opportunity to stop being so childish and save her relationship with her family or he will not bother with her anymore if this pettiness continues. life is far to short for all this crap. Don't feel bad about it, its her problem. My mum always taught us that you don't always get what you want - seems that was something she was never taught.

Steppy1 · 27/12/2006 09:10

this sounds very similar to our situation, ie a self centred MIL who only thinks about herself..BUT everybody discusses her, talks around the issue but NEVER discusses or approaches HER about it...all to avoid confrontation. The sons ned to talk to her, let her know that her behavious is unacceptable and that if she continues she will lose ALL contact with her families...is this what she wants ???

But then she's probably behaving like this to ensure that she does get the attention..in which case the other plan is to totally ignore it for the next couple of months..then be greatful she's off to Spain

What's FIL, btw ??

taylormama · 27/12/2006 09:45

what is her problem - well she is totally controlling!! and also childish - i do hate "grownups" who don't speak to you after some minor issue. As a pp said she is moving to Spain so you won't have to deal with her.

It also sounds like no-one has ever confronted her about her behaviour so she keeps getting away with it. Her sons do need to take her to one side and talk to her or it sounds like she may end up estranged from you all ...

Advice - well ignore it and let it wash over you knowing it is all her problem, or say something like "why aren't you talking to me? I am sorry we were late but i am sure you remember how hard it is to get out of the house with young children" - then smile sweetly at her ...

LadyOfThePoinsettias · 27/12/2006 17:42

fil=father in law. iprobably made that one up - lol!

OP posts:
Steppy1 · 28/12/2006 16:29

sorry, meant what is father in law like ? Happy to bet that he's like mine...anything for an easy life so just indulges her with everything she wants.....

jellyhead · 28/12/2006 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Steppy1 · 28/12/2006 17:01

we have a "Royal visit' this coming Saturday...and I am dreading it.They (il's) havn't seen DD and DS for just over a year (!!!!)

they've decided to travel down by train (which will take 4 hrs) then travel back the same day (we've got to get back for the dog !!) so will probably be with us for around 3hrs before they have to catch the train back...what's that all about.

They're very well off, both retired so no time constraints and could quite easily stay over

Actually in my book, it's still 3 hrs too long but I have said that I would bite my lip........

alibauble · 28/12/2006 17:08

Another one here with the MIL from hell. She's rude and insulting and yes,unless she is the centre of attention, heaven help you. My H is her no1 son and favourite (her words) so I've never been good enough for him. This is a woman who never held her grandchildren when babies, wouldn't feed them etc etc. She always complained to H that I hadn't made her a coffee and when heavily pregnant she said - and where is my juice. Sorry but in my house family help themselves. She wants waitress service. The good news is we moved to the USA and she's in Holland and the even better news is I'll probably never have to see her again. Will make sure that the children keep contact though as that's important. At least your DH sticks up for you all, mine just rolled over and made me do all the apologising until it was too late. Blimey sorry that was long too

NappiesGalooooooooooooria · 28/12/2006 17:11

well, you could confront her, but do you think its worthn the bother? do you think it will change anything?
she sounds pathetic and controlling and insecure... the thing to remember is; you cannot control the behaviour of another, only your reaction to it.

so give her pathetic behaviour the time, attention, energy, respect it deserves. ie - nada!

lucky old spain, eh?

Steppy1 · 28/12/2006 17:18

alibaubel...we took ours away with us (last time they saw grandchildren actually) to the States for a holiday...she never lifted a finger, not once. Even FIL made the occasional cup of tea for us all...she

woud make HERSELF a sandwich

make HERSELF a cup of tea

and NEVER asked if we'd like anything. Her response was

"I didn't realise that any of you wanted anything"

What are we fecking physic, we didn't know that you were doing something you silly bint !!!!! God she makes my blood boil, Ireally am dreading Saturday. Dh is her favourite BTW ("oh, i MUCH prefer little boys to girls" she has previously said about her own DS and DD (nice !!) and our DS and DD

PeachyIsNowAChristmasFruit · 28/12/2006 17:55

Oh I'm sorry, we have extrememly similat behaviour from my MIL over the years too. The only way it has worked out with us is since a bad phonce call from her a few weeks ago we just don't acknowledge her any more, obv at different times of the year you might not notice but we have not made contact over Christmas (saying that, we posted gifts on and they didn't not even to the 3 grandkids)- they btw is MIL and BIL, FIL did a runner two years ago!

to you and I hope it resolves itself

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