Trying so hard not to restart emotional affair

[Cleebope]

So.. Had emotional affair online for 5 years, both married with kids, we lost our virginity to each other as teenagers, he lives abroad. I have a great life, just loved the thrill and attention of his messages. DH found out early on, nearly wrecked our marriage of 20 years but he forgave me. Still thinking of online friend every day, wishing my life was more exciting., like his seems to be. Always feeling guilty but trying so hard to stop myself from restarting it. Surely this must be more common than I think, in 2016? How to move on please?

You say that your DH found out "early on", about your EA. But then you say it continued for 5 years. So, presumably, after your DH found out, you carried on behind his back regardless?

For 5 years, you have been messaging another Man, but sharing a life and a bed with your DH. So you have lied (by omission), to the man you are meant to cherish and love.

Tbh, I don't think you love your DH.

How would you feel, if your DH was e-mailing another woman, for 5 years? FIVE YEARS

This is wrong, on so many levels.

I would split up with your DH, and let him find someone who really loves him. Someone who would cherish. Someone who would want to actually be with him, rather spending hours on end, composing e-mails to another Guy.

As for the OM's life being more interesting than yours, you do realise that everybodies lives on Facebook look about 1000% more interesting than they really are?

He still probably snores like a train and has skid marks in his boxers.

Five year emotional affair ? I'm cringing about the thousands of hours you've wasted exchanging messages with this man. You sound to me like you've got an addictive personality. On line affairs are a cheap lazy way to get some excitement.

It's up to you to inject some excitement into your life , it's not your husbands job to keep you constantly boosted up and entertained. .You really need to look at what's missing in your life and lead a life that's exciting and fulfilling.

There are probably many reason for you EA
Perhaps:
your husband I'd neglectful and abusive
you marriage is sex less
you have very low self esteem
you have issues with intimate RL relationships( attachment issues )
Mid life crisis
bored housewife
selfish and over indulged wife
shallow and self centred
people pleaser ( can't cope with rejection)
I could go on
Very hard to know from here
Perhaps you don't even know
But it's important to.find out

I don't think it's fair to make another person solely responsible for your level of happiness and contentment with life and it's certainly unfair to heap all the blame for you feeling unfulfilled onto your DH. He sounds like a catch unlike your other lying cheating "friend"! Carry on as you are and you may well find out how "exciting" life can be going through the pain and upheaval of a divorce just because you're bored! In your case, I'd say it's not looking like the grass is going to be greener on the other side more likely full of s#%%!

What does this man give you that your DH doesn't.

Blonde, there is NO WAY I am splitting up with dh over this, I am really trying to make this better. Spud, all your reasons are partly right, except that sexlife is good, dh kind. Timely I dream constantly of his lifestyle and how my life would be had I stuck with other guy... Sunshine, great social life, beach life etc, his wife/kids/ familyseems happy and lovely too. Yes , my fantasy but his reality. U are all so right. Started when I was lonely in a new job and unsuccessfully trying for dc3 who never arrived. Kind of blamed dh for that as he shunned my ivf attempts, refused to donate. That's why he forgave me first time, he blamed himself. Now can't stop the EA. but gave it up as NY resolution, but so tempted to restart. Helps me forget stress of everyday life. Does no one else see or even do this?

I agree with blonde and am also intrigued with how you would feel if it was going on for 5 years ?! This is not a small amount of time this is a sizeable portion on your life, even if you were 60 that's. Nearly. 9% of your life having an EA and betraying your DH. It's simple if you value and respect this man stop. If not at least think of him the man you say is lovely and leave for his sake as he doesn't deserve this.

Waah that statistic really makes me realise the time wasted. But I think we all waste much of our life online... I don't do any other stuff like Twitter or candy crush to switch off from life's pressures. This thread has really helped me, think I will make MN my new addiction. My dh has seen me doing t his and I think he suspects I'm messaging OM. But this is helping me heal.

You have broken the trust, so you have to earn it back and this will take time.

I completely understand you don't want to show him mumsnet, but do you have any interest.

If you like knitting then why not join a chat group online that the sole topic is knitting. ( doesn't have to be knitting)

Yes it is a long time, but I don't think you can count candy crush or Twitter the same as having an EA with an OM, mumsnet may help you as it is generally supportive, if you think that's why you go to OM, if you value your marriage I would cut contact with the OM as your DH may have felt guilty at the start because of the IVF treatment but I think an overwhelming majority of people would not be able to overlook a 5 year affair, which:

If you're 60 is actually 8.3% of your life
50= 10%
40 12.5%
35= 14.2%
30=16.6%

These are significant lengths of your life you've been betraying someone's trust and isn't just a meaningless short term thing