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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to do

25 replies

SylvieTuTu · 05/02/2016 23:17

I have no one to talk to in RL but I need to get things sorted in my head.

My marriage has been shit for a while. Lots of stress factors (bereavement, redundancy, children) that have just pulled us apart rather than together. We have been existing together. We have different out looks on lots of things.

Recently I came home early and found that DH had written a profile for a dating site and had some profiles open. It turns out he hadn't been in touch with anyone but had created the profile a year before and 'forgotten' about it.

We both said it was a wake up call and we'd work on us. We spoke like adults and listened to each other about what we both wanted. We had some great days together and our sex life was renewed.

But it's slipping. I don't know if I'm still here because of what I want it to be like rather than what it is. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
NotnowNigel · 05/02/2016 23:49

I don't think it's realistic to expect it to be consistently better from the day you discovered the profile.

Have you discussed your concerns with your dh? Have you agreed together what you each want to change to be happier?

Talk is what you need to do and lots of it.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2016 23:55

The problem here is that you took joint responsibility for the "wake up call"

He did that. Not you. Him.

Offred · 05/02/2016 23:56

So he reacted to stress by looking outside the marriage?

Someone who looks outside the marriage in order to 'fix' he marriage is not someone who is working 'on us' IMO.

TBH I would think the most likely explanation of your relationship problems is him being a cheat and a liar.

Original poster
SylvieTuTu · 06/02/2016 00:02

We've talked about what we want but it's not happening. I want an equal partner but feel that DH doesn't give me this. This makes me critical of DH.

This is why I took some responsibility for what happened. Part of me wishes he had met someone as it'd make it clearer cut.

OP posts:
Offred · 06/02/2016 00:03

I want an equal partner but feel that DH doesn't give me this.

This makes it pretty clear cut.

Original poster
SylvieTuTu · 06/02/2016 00:07

I know but I wonder if I'm being unrealistic and all relationships have their ups and downs?

I feel DH is emotionally stunted for want of a better word. I'm also really resentful of the fact that he is not financially supporting the family and leaves it to me to sort it out. I'm working flat out at work and he's pissing about half heartedly.

But then I wonder if it's me and I expect too much?

OP posts:
Offred · 06/02/2016 00:09

So you are working flat out to support the family and he is pissing about and signing up for staying websites?! Hmm

No, that is not you expecting too much...

Offred · 06/02/2016 00:10

*dating websites

Original poster
SylvieTuTu · 05/03/2016 22:32

So since I last posted we've both been working at our marriage. DH has got a flexible job that tops up his income and I've been trying to nag less.

However, there have been a couple of things that haven't been great. DH was trying to get a printer to work, it wouldn't and he was proper full on shouting and ranting at it. I was worried about him. Also he had a big argument with my mum about DD2 last week. Both of these have had me thinking I'm not convinced about us.

Then tonight, triggered by something I read on another thread, I searched the Ashley Madison data. I found his email and logged in. He has an account.

It's just like the other site, no contact but a profile. What do I do? Is it worth throwing away 12 years? My marriage isn't always great but sometimes it is but there is this massive betrayal. Or am I over reacting at that too?

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 05/03/2016 22:36

It IS a massive betrayal. No doubt about that. I'm sorry.

alicemalice · 05/03/2016 22:36

No definitely not over-reacting. I don't know how you get over something like that.

Original poster
SylvieTuTu · 05/03/2016 22:42

I know if I confront him, he'll say something along the lines of what he said before. He didn't pay for membership, he didn't meet anyone, he's forgotten he set it up so didn't delete it.

And I'll want to believe it all because the alternative is just to awful to consider.

OP posts:
Original poster
SylvieTuTu · 05/03/2016 22:43

*too awful

OP posts:
Original poster
SylvieTuTu · 07/03/2016 07:36

I asked him. It now appears that he listed on 5-10 sites but he can't remember how many. He insists he only created a free profile so he could have a look, but never actually did anything. He can't remember which sites he accessed.

I checked one site and his profile was there created about 4 months after the one I knew about and it seems there is a reply to one of the messages. I can't but think this is the thin end of the wedge.

He can't see why I'm so upset as he insists he didn't do anything.

I feel like I'm living in two worlds. The one where he did something awful but understandable, given the state of our marriage and now we are trying to rebuild it.

And the other one. Where I keep discovering he's lied to me again and again. I don't know what I'll find out next and can't see how I can ever trust this man again.

And he keeps trying to minimise it. I don't know what to do, I love who he can be but feel so betrayed and taken for a fool.

OP posts:
Isetan · 07/03/2016 09:54

Seriously woman, creating profiles on multiple dating sites is hardly the actions of an invested H. Surely when he agreed to work do fuck all on your marriage, honesty and removing his profiles should have been a start.

Your ability to ignore his disrespectful behaviour is being diminished with every new revelation and half arsed explanation. You can't work on a relationship on your own and it appears the dynamic in your relationship, is for you assume responsibility.

He's taking the piss and you're letting him.

Jan45 · 07/03/2016 10:45

Jesus, what does he have to do, parade these women he's communicating with in front of you???

He's on god knows how many dating sites with profiles set up, that takes a bit of work OP, it's pretty obvious he's looking constantly and before long he will piss off with whoever, he's trying his best to meet someone new.

Time to gather up your self esteem and belief in yourself and kick him out, he's taking the absolute piss, there will be folk that know you both that have seen him on these sites too - could he humiliate any more?

Jan45 · 07/03/2016 11:06

And no it's not understandable, no matter the state of your marriage he should never have gone looking elsewhere - you are married!

Stop taking the blame for his inadequacies.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/03/2016 11:12

because the alternative is just to awful to consider
It doesn't have to be awful.
It could be wonderful to be away from him and this dead end marriage.
A good fresh start where you do what you want.
Sounds like a good move to me. Scary yes, but exciting!

AnyFucker · 07/03/2016 11:16

Drip, drip, drip

God knows what else you are going to find out and he has lied about it every step of the way

he is lying now...what other possible interpretation is there ?

Cut loose

Joysmum · 07/03/2016 12:30

He can't see why I'm so upset as he insists he didn't do anything

That'd be the nail in the coffin for me.

He isn't taking any sort of responsibility for your hurt, couldn't see the draw to these sites as a sign to put more into the marriage, can't see that he's crossed your boundaries, isn't putting extra effort into your failing marriage now, therefore wouldn't see it as serious so prone to doing it again.

Original poster
SylvieTuTu · 02/04/2016 23:21

he has lied about it every step of the way
Today I found out about another email address. Purely by accident. It was created 4 years ago, weeks before the birth of DD2.

So I asked him again, how long this has been going on for. Finally, he admitted that he has been looking at "hook up sites" since about a year after we got together. This has made me feel so shit about myself. This was before DC, at my best and still I wasn't enough for him.

He kept repeating he doesn't know why he does it. I said if that's the case we can't fix what is wrong to prevent it continuing. He said all men do it. They don't do they?

Finally, we got round to the fact that it was a fantasy for him. He said it was like looking at porn but how would you get your rocks off to looking at profiles of women? They aren't graphic. I just don't understand why you'd do it. Your wife isn't enough so you look at other women.

You'd never think that I am actually a strong woman. If I read all this I'd be thinking LTB. The thought of not being with him fills me with sadness but I am I being a fool?

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 02/04/2016 23:33

"All men" don't do it, but the ones who are looking to cheat do.

You know what you need to do and you'd be a fool not to do it.

Original poster
SylvieTuTu · 02/04/2016 23:44

Is there a difference between looking to cheat and actually doing it?

OP posts:
SecretsAndStuff21 · 03/04/2016 00:12

I don't thinks so. In some ways his posting on dating sites is worse than say, falling for a colleague and having an affair because he has strong feelings for them.
He is being proactive in looking for sex outside of the marriage.
I think the writing is on the wall..

Original poster
SylvieTuTu · 03/04/2016 01:13

I don't think there is a difference either but he has made me doubt myself and think that I am over-reacting.

It's more hurtful because I always thought our sex life was fantastic. It was intermittent at times (with young DC) but when it happened it was great. For him to have been looking for this elsewhere betrays the core of our marriage.

What do I do now?

OP posts:
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