Intimacy issues

[Onedaughteronecat]

Can anyone offer advice? I am a mum of one daughter, aged 10 and I have been married for nearly 20 years.

Most people looking in on us would say we lead a charmed and very fortunate life. We don't worry about anything and don't have any "troubles", as such.

Except ...... I have gone completely off the idea of being intimate with my husband. We are intimate and I do it, for him, as a marriage without intimacy is not a healthy marriage (his words).

Things came to a head last night and now I am feeling terrible. I completely understand where my husband is coming from, but I can't simply turn on an emotion or feeling that isn't there anymore.

Can you put your finger on what triggered this change for you? Do you still find him attractive or have you 'gone off' him? When you are intimate with him, are you happy to be so, or does it make you feel a bit sick.

And are you using 'intimacy' as a euphemism for sex, or do you actually mean intimacy.

If I'm perfectly honest, I can't imagine being attracted to someone indefinitely. It just seems like a really big expectation!

I am talking about sex. Intimacy sounds much less harsh. I have not enjoyed/wanted to have/thought about sex since my daughter was born.

I do love my husband, very much. And I do find him attractive. What I don't find attractive is myself. He could be Brad Pitt (or someone like him) and I would still feel the same.

Are there any physical reasons such as menopause or different contraception or illness that could be affecting you? Are you disinterested in sex completely or just sex with him?

If you feel obliged or 'reasoned into' having sex, it's not exactly sexy is it? So wholly understandable. What is the rest of your relationship like?

I don't know how old you are, but I do know that a lot of women experience an increase in sex drive from mid to late thirties, so maybe that will happen for you too.

If you think this has something to do with how you feel/look, could you do anything to change this? I know I felt embarrassed to undress when I was over weight. Losing the excess weight helped enormously. Exercise will lift your mood either way.

I agree with taking up exercise.

I have put on 2 stones over the past couple of years for various reasons. I couldn't imagine being naked in front of anyone again!

I do think the expectations on women to be eternally young, thin and beautiful has a lot to answer for tbh.

Is it ab appearance based concwrn like that, or because your role has changed to 'mother' now that is getting in the way?

I do have an ongoing long term health issue that affects me. I am disinterested in sex completely, not just with my husband. As I said prior, he could be Brad Pitt (or someone like him) and I would still feel the same. I do feel obliged into having sex, as I only do it for his benefit, not for mine. If I never did it again, I wouldn't miss it.

We have an up and down relationship. I have suffered very bad with PTSD and post natal depression since our daughter was born. She too has a long term condition that I blame myself for. My husband also suffers from depression and is a perfectionist.

I am not happy with how I look but I don't need the whole diet/exercise spiel as I used to be part of that industry. I have always struggled with my weight and do what I can to exercise but there are many factors that get in the way.

Soubds like it's a tough situation all round and one without a single solution.

Not asking you to divulge, are you receiving adequate support/medical care/whatever is required for your daughter's condition?

You know you're not to blame don't you?
Are you receiving support for your PTSD and PND?

We do receive support and adequate medical care for our daughter. She does lead a normal life, with the odd blip here and there when she relapses.

I know I am not to blame for her condition. And I have had lots of treatment for my depression since my daughter was born.

I've just been reading another post in "relationships" which could have been written by my husband (it wasn't) and goes into his side of this problem. He has basically been told to get out of the marriage as a sexless marriage is not worth living in. I don't want that to happen to us. But I can't simply turn on my emotion.

I have 2 questions. You don't need to answer them here necessarily but I think knowing the answers may help you narrow down what's going on.

I understand that you don't welcome sex but once you're having sex do you enjoy it?

Is your husband making sure that you get orgasms? Or has it become just about keeping him satisfied.

Have you spoken to your gp about this problem. I'm fairly sure that's a good place to start as it could be something they can help with.