Should I introduce my DCs to my longstanding NC mother?

[freshstart4us]

Would very much appreciate some MN wisdom in this parenting question.

I am soon to return to my home country after being gone 10 years. I have been completely NC with my mother since I left, and had gone NC about 2 years beforehand, with very little in the decade prior. Basically I'm 42 and haven't had anything to do with her by choice since I was 21, and the few times I have been forced to deal with her have been purely administrative (obtaining docs for visas, dealing with family members' illnesses or funerals, her wanting to borrow money/have me go guarantor for her on a house rental (I declined), that sort of thing).

The reason I went NC is that she was an enabler to significant abuse of my brothers and me, abandoned all of us at some point, and into our adulthood was parasitic and manipulative. Only one of my 4 remaining siblings keeps in touch with her. She does, however, come across to outsiders as perfectly nice, if eccentric and slightly odd.

She is now well into her 70s and living in residential care. She may have had a stroke, but this is not confirmed. Now I'm going back with my DH and two young children. My 4 yo DD asks regularly about "mummy's mummy". I have explained things by saying she is not very well and can't really understand things, but DD really wants to meet her. DH himself is curious to put a "form to the demon" so to speak. My stomach rolls in revulsion and also fear at the thought of seeing her - she has done so much damage to her children that I naturally want her nowhere near mine. WWYD? I don't think that she has any power to harm them anymore, but need to know whether any good could come of it. DH thinks I should have regrets for things I've done rather than not, but I'm just not sure.

All help/comments appreciated.

To follow on from Attila's post, you need to do for your child now what no one ever did for you and that is keep that woman out of your life.

It can be quite powerful knowing that you ticked thay parenting box.

Thank you all. This is the perspective and wisdom I was seeking. Even significant useful therapy throughout my teens and adulthood I still struggle with "the mother stuff". Everything else I've put behind me but this still feels like a ball and chain on my successful life. Now renewing my commitment to NOT let it hold me back any further and certainly, as several of you have pointed out, mother my own children in the ways she did not mother me.

Just another perspective from DH viewpoint. It could well be that the move to your home country after 10 years will prompt you and him to think about your NC situation and I think it's healthier to discuss it do he understands you better and is better able to offer you emotional support.

My DH has asked questions of me in the past but has had no agenda other than wanting to understand me better, that's been beneficial for both of us.

I introduced my very young DC to my NC mother. She made a big fuss about wanting to see them, thinking I would refuse and she could play the victim. I didn't, and the meeting went ahead. However she had no more interest in them than she did in me and hasn't asked to see them again (now nearly 2years later).

I agonised over letting her meet them, but on reflection I'm glad I did. My conscience is clear, I didn't stop her seeing her GC. I can also explain to DC when older that I didn't stop them having a relationship with their "GM".

However I guess your situation is more complex as your DC are older. However I guess your situation is more complex as your DC are older. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

With all respect, NotTheGoodLife, if she knew you were pregnant/had had children, was communicating with you in order to request, arrange and organise this meeting, then you weren't truly NC.

I cut my mother out nearly 4 years ago. I have no knowledge of/interest in whether she is even dead or alive. She knows nothing of me or my life and I know nothing of hers.

My conscience is also clear. She is nothing to me.

Surely no cintact means exactly that. No contact.

Folkgirl perhaps other family members informed Notthegoodlife's mother about the existence of her dc.

Maybe, but she still engaged in a dialogue and then met. That's not nc.

Your mother is not a Victorian freak show that your husband can appease his curiosity. 'Form to the demon?'

She is a woman who would happily allow children to be abused. She is not someone he would want his dd near.