Should I stop texting him?

[BlondeOnATreadmill]

Son went off to Uni. I text him every day, at about 5pm, to ask how his day has been. He replies. So fine. But, I know that if I didn't text him, that I wouldn't hear from him for weeks on end. Should I stop? I am feeling a bit fed up, that the effort is all mine. I send him money every month to keep him afloat (if that's relevant). I told him how I feel last night. He replied then. But fuck all from him today. Help!

No no, about the money thing. I don't know why I mentioned it really. I suppose just to highlight that he isn't totally independant.

It makes me cringe that you link money to daily texts. I'm sure he's grateful, does he have to tell you every day?

And he has a 99.9999999999% chance of making it through uni alive. If you don't hear from him it doesn't mean he's dead in a ditch.

What would you have done if mobile phones weren't invented? Driven over and parked outside his digs?

How many times a day did you let your parents know you were alive once you reached adulthood?

Don't know why it makes you cringe choughed. I never ever mention money to him. He gets it by standing order and it is never talked about. I have never told him he has to text me.

Yes of course if mobiles weren't invented, I wouldn't text, as it would be impossible. If the internet wasn't invented, none of us would be on MN.

not sure I understand your point at all, but thanks for the bitchy comments

OP my DD1 went to uni in September too, at the other end of the country, we still contact each other more than once a week.
She likes a text picture of her pet as often as once a day, she will randomly send emails/texts to me or DH or our other DC when she feels the need to impart some information. Mine are usually relating to social things, DH is money and subject help. I know she will sometimes talk to her sister in the afternoons especially if her sister needs homework help otherwise they snapchat something silly to one another. Each night over tea the question is always has anyone heard from DC1 today?
She has a really hectic social life at uni, but we usually have 1 family face time conversation a week. She didn't come home at all in her first term, I did go up alone for 1 weekend as there was an issue that I could help with.
This term just her sister is going up for a weekend.
There is usually no pressure on her to contact us, she just does it.

For balance I talk to my DMum at least once a week, often more and see her at least once a fortnight

Thank you sparkles, this makes me feel like I am not a total Loon. I would feel no need to contact him, if I knew he had already been in contact with DH or DD. I'm definitely not going to text now for several days.

Today DH gets home from a residential course and DD is coming home, so we are going to have a Chinese and lots of which will help. I think being alone all week has sent me a teeny bit bat shit.

You're certainly not a loon, Blonde. It is a wrench.

Our position sounds similar to Sparkles, as DD1 went to Uni in September and we too tend to meet up on FaceTime (not necessarily for terribly long) at weekends. Plus DD2 is still at home, and the two girls seem to be in frequent electronic contact, so we get to hear news - although it may be filtered! Apart from that, we get "How do I ...?" texts and emails, generally about money and related things.

Enjoy seeing DD again.

Remember, if there's something wrong, you'll hear - it's a good sign that he's not texting you constantly: it means you've done a great job of bringing him up to be confident and independent!

Have a lovely time tonight with DD and DH - and just be grateful DS isn't going to be rolling through your door at 5am after a night out !

Call him on Sundays about 11.30
You can catch up then.

I have similar with my eldest - just about all of the contact is instigated by me - I'll email with chit chat, or call him at the weekend, but rarely vice-versa. But that means he's busy enjoying life and learning to be independent and resilient - it means you've done a good job. It doesn't mean he doesn't care.

Oh and yes to WhatsApp. You can just glance at it and be reassured that 2 hours ago or whatever they were alive and well, which is all you really need to know.

I what's app mine, he's miles away in Cardiff, 21 next. He's cool with me texting, we are close but I respect the fact he is grown man now😊 I am just always worried when they go out drinking, he's a third year now and a 6ft weightlifter therefore I worry less than I did, ut gets easier.

Facebook? I can check they are still alive and well but without being intrusive. It's a great comfort!

My comments weren't meant bitchily OP. You were the one who mentioned that you were financially supporting him. Whether it's mentioned explicitly or not it's easy to guilt trip our children into feeling "obliged" to do stuff. That's what makes me cringe. As does the electronic surveillance of whatsapp and Facebook.They're young adults, having fun, making mistakes, probably doing stuff they would rather their parents didn't know about. You know, all the stuff we did at that age

My DD left for Uni last September, we are both on Facebook messenger and we message the odd thing to one another each day or every couple of days. Usually it is a funny anecdote or a random question. I call her once every two weeks for a proper catch up.
If she is going on a night out the next morning I usually check to see when she was last online for my own piece of mind. I pop down to visit once per term and DH travels round the country with work so he usually takes her for dinner every few weeks if he is in her local area.

If you want to know he has been online, if you both have Facebook, the messenger app tells you when people were last active? (May do on the online version too?)

His Uni is only 40 mins away in the car

Good grief, he's just about on your doorstep! My DD's secondary school was an hour's car journey away.

I think you need to gain a little perspective, you seem to think that your DD's interviewing for uni 3 hours away is unacceptable because of the distance, my friend's dd is interviewing for uni in the USA.

"If you love them, let them go"

Another university tutor here: he's a grown up. Nice that you text him, but frankly, your expectations sound very emotionally demanding. Almost as if he is a lover not a son. Or - and it's almost worse - that because you give him money to keep himself (surely, a parental responsibility?) you expect daily contact in return.

None of this sounds healthy, TBH. I know that sounds harsh, but maybe if it causes you to reflect on your parent-child dynamic, you might find a more peaceful place for you.

When I see students with difficulties, too often it is to do with a difficult parent-child dynamic. Just let him get on with it. You have to let go at some point.

But DD has an interview soon, for a Uni that's 3 hours away. Nooooooo

I really really hope your DD has no idea you feel this way. You run the risk of seriously impeding her opportunities - and her rights - to live her own life.

You sound very needy. People shouldn't have children for their own emotional needs; they should realise that their job is to get them to a point where they can live on their own.

What's that old cliche: "If you love someone set them free; if it's love, they'll come back."

I went to university at 17. It was scary. I lived deep in the country, a mile from the nearest bus stop before I went to a university in a large city. I coped. Very well actually. I rang my parents about once a week, and then increasingly less than that. It was expensive! But if they had been as clingy and needy as you are coming across, I probably would have resisted any frequent contact at all.

Just leave him be. He'll come back to you if he needs you. See it as an indication you've raised a self-sufficient and competent son.

I didn't text him last night, and surprise surprise, I didn't hear jack shit from him. It's what I expected to be honest, but a bit annoying!

This comment is ridiculous OP. Why is it 'jack shit' that your adult son didn't text you for one day?

I've just graduated - I spent three years at a university 7 hours from home. If my parents had reacted like this it would made our relationship actively worse, as I would have felt under pressure and annoyed that they weren't giving me my new found space and freedom.

My parents left me alone and we worked out a natural rhythm that felt right for us - calling a couple of times a week, texting when something funny / important had happened. During stressful times I maybe called them every day, but one time I went on holiday to France and didn't tell them... and guess what? They didn't mind, because I'm an adult and they know I love them and we are really close no matter how much contact we have.

Why this obsession with a strict, regular time? Imo you run the risk of pushing him away.

I agree the "jack shit" & "surprise surprise" sounds really petulant and hostile. Maybe a bit of counseling would help ease this transition.

Thanks all for the comments. I know you are ALL right, in what you say!

I think my worry, was that if I didn't check in daily, that somehow I was being a negligent parent. I suppose because he is the first child to leave home, so it's all new to me. But it is comforting to read your replies and realise that is not the case.

I am actually ok with limited contact. I haven't pressured him to visit. I know that what's going on at Uni, is far far more interesting and fun! I also am enjoying more freedom and do really see this as positive.

Great idea to see if active on FB. He's been on-line today and I have not texted him, and nor will I.

Thank you all, I'm taking a big step back now, without feeling guilty. Thank you.

The thing is that it is hard to let go. If they've been at home the whole time and you've seen them for hours every day, then of course it's hard when all contact suddenly stops. And that's when you might panic, wondering if they're okay. Is he on FB and is your daughter? If so I would just ask her to let you know if he's written anything troubling on there or if he stops posting. Once you have that reassurance it can be easier to relax.

I'm another that used to phone for ten minutes once a week and if I didn't manage to do it one week I'd wait until the next. I think parents are a lot closer to their children now, though, and because of technology they expect to be kept in touch as to what they're up to.

Don't worry, OP, it'll become easier as time passes.

That's the spirit OP. It is hard but I work in a university and I can tell you that it's very likely he's having the time of his life.

That's really good to read OP Your first post really didn't sound healthy. Glad you've recovered your balance. Who knows - you may come to enjoy this phase of your life!

Thank you Choughed. Yep, he's having a ball!

You're absolutely right Imperial

Andfaraway Yes, you are right, I need to fully embrace this next phase (and in the main I am). I think what I was struggling with, was not knowing from day to day, if he was alive! Lol. He's in a busy capital city, now going out to loads of bars and drinking, which he never did when he lived at home. In fact he never drank till now. Now he's drinking like it's going out of style!

I am so happy that I started this thread. It's made me realise that it's OK to let go. I'm not being negligent. Phew.