Desperately lonely and isolated

[Unhappyexpat]

Namechanged for this but I'm a regular

A few years ago I met my husband and moved to his home country. He's a lovely guy, we have a young baby, house, I have a well paying job (that's horribly stressful but that's a rant for another day.)
On paper it all looks great. Except that I'm horribly, horribly lonely. I've lived and worked abroad before and fitted in fine. (I'm quite introverted but have no shyness or social issues.)
Here I don't know anyone. Literally no friends. No one on our estate speaks to me. Culturally it's not done to strike up a conversation with someone. I've tried to get to know people but they're it interested. I've tried the local version of mum and baby groups. No one speaks to me. If I speak to them they reply the bare minimum and ignore. I've tried joining Facebook groups for English speaking mums in this country - no one lives anywhere near me.
Today I did something I thought would be helpful only to be told it was culturally not done. It's upset me hugely and I'm at home in floods of tears. If it wasn't for my little boy I'd be wanting to end it all.
I know there are no easy answers here, but just needed to vent a bit.

There must be some mumsnetters in Sweden, we need to find them for you!

There Probably are (I've seen a few on here) but they will mainly be in Stockholm- the Facebook mums group has no one in my area

Aren't there groups of expats you could hang out with? People who work for foreign corporations or ??

Do you knit? If you do, could you join a local group? It's a great way to meet other women.

I've definitely encountered some unhappy expats in Sweden over on the overseas board. Could you put out a call on there and if nothing else you could have a good chat moan together? There might be someone who knows someone nearby. Don't give up OP. I know how hard it is. It is especially isolating when you have a baby. That can be hard anywhere don't forget, particularly overseas though.

There are groups of expats but not near me. I don't live in Stockholm.
I do knit :) not found a group near me though...
I'll have a look at the overseas boards, ta

Where might I find the overseas boards..?

Hello, I feel for you too.

Have you looked on Revelry (on line knitting community) there are loads of people from all over the world on there. There maybe some Swedes and you will definitely find some fellow knitters to chat to online.

Blimey Sweden eh? The Swedes I've met have always been mad, party animals and very sociable, but maybe that's because they don't get to be like that at home?

I'd definitely try and find some other expats, if I was you. There must be some - surely! Are you in a rural area or a city/town?

Oh ravelry ... Good idea!! I will.
I'm in a rural area - only 10km or so outside of a city but crap public transport so a bit isolated. I've joined English mums in Sweden fb groups but most people are in Stockholm/Gothenburg. It's not easy to join groups or do classes with a young baby

They're the ones that got away, juneau ;)

I started out on the overseas boards and found people to be very supportive and give great advice. So maybe stick a thread on there too, as prev suggested upthread.

It does sound like you´ve hit unlucky with where you´re living tho. I guess cos all the major cities will have a larger expat population so being out the way will be toughter

Honestly I had no idea people were like that there! I wouldn´t have thought they´d be vastly different from the Brits culture-wise. I´ve heard about the Finns being VERY insular and actively avoid foreigners . But Swedes are insular and unfriendly too...?

I think the same can be said to varying degrees about various European countries, from what I´ve heard. I´ve heard plenty of negativity about the Dutch but I think it´s a shame to tar a whole nation with the same brush, plus I´ve not integrated enough to form a real opinion on that so they get the benefit of the doubt! I know I would hate it if they thought all Brits were lairy, aggressive piss-artists ala Geordie Shore!

Actually they´re not all tall here. I thought it was the Danes that were the tallest? I´m 5ft 4ins and don´t walk round feeling like a Hobbit, put it that way. So you speak Swedish too?

My Swedish is terrible which is part of the problem. They have classes here but being Sweden they're all at 5pm because that's 'after work.' My company worked me like a dog so I never got to leave in time to go to them. Now I have a young baby classes are out too. I'm trying but I'm getting increasingly anxious socially.

Swedish society is governed by a set of unwritten rules. Some I figured out pretty quickly but others I find completely odd. There is a definite dislike of eccentricity - everything is conformist. I find this incredibly stifling. It's not like I'm particularly eccentric, I'm a normal Brit with a normal British sense of humour.

I'm actually quite an introvert - I'm not pushy or loud but I feel so out of place here. Both my next door neighbors have little kids - near ds' age so I thought we'd get on, at least superficially, but despite me saying hello/taking their misdelivered post round etc, neither have exchanged more than a cursory 'hej' then made it quite clear they don't want to talk to me.

I have lost all my confidence. I don't want to even leave the house in case I have more of these awful social interactions.

I've found the overseas boards, maybe there'll be some fellow Brits in my area!

Yes hopefully you can weed out anymore Brits in the vicinity. What about your work colleagues? How are they for chatting to? Or your husband´s family? Any friends of the family you have met and got along with? Do you think your husband can help you in any further in any way?

People say when you have kids it´s really easy to meet others as it´s an immediate ice-breaker. BUt I think it depends on where you live and what people are like. For instance, what happens when your son gets a bit older and you´d like to hold a birthday party? Are there any kids in the family you can invite?

This is where your neighbours come in. I´m really surprised, they sound almost hostile! What would they do if you invited them round for a coffee, for a playdate or maybe your husband could come up with a reason/excuse....once your little boy´s older you will definately need people to have playdates with.

At least you have your inlaws and extended family, I know it´s not the same as friends but still....Is your husband aware just how shitty you´re feeling or do you think he doesn´t want to acknowledge it?

BTW, does everyone speak English there? It´s maybe why some come across as less than friendly. THey either don´t speak English or they aren´t confident to speak it with you. I´ve found that here.

My work colleagues are nice but they all have their own lives and dont socialise outside of work. It's a small office.
DHs family are all several hundred miles away. One cousin, but they are in Gothenburg which is a long way off. They are nice but they're not in a position to fill that family/friend role. We just see them every few months.
Everyone seems to speak good English, better than Brits sometimes!
I'm surprised at the neighbours too. When we moved in I was going to bake something and go round and say hi but several people seemed aghast at the idea. These constant knock backs are destroying my confidence. I have no confidence in negotiating even simple social exchanges anymore. I always seem to do something wrong and offend. It's soul destroying

I am incredibly worried about how my son will cope...he'll make friends at kindergarten, surely?

I'm only mid thirties... I'm going to have a very lonely life.

And do you both need to stay where you are for work? Or would it be possible to relocate to nearer one of the main cities, where there´s bound to be some expat action?

I´ll bet you could cope with the weirdness/coldness of the Swedes if you could just have more social interaction with a friend or 2? But it´s the total lack of that which emphasises the issues with the strange Swedes and their very bloody odd attitude.

If you could establish which city has a higher population of expats and if there was any possibility of relocating ( I realise it´s a long shot but not beyond the realms of possibility ) so you and your OH can get work or transfers there, that would be ideal I think.

Does your OH have friends and do they have partners? Any opening there for getting together as couples, even better if his mates/colleagues have kids? He can maybe organise something from his end. He´s gonna have to stick his neck out to help you if he´s aware just how miserable you are. Esp if you´re now fearing social interaction outside of work....

Maybe go to the local city hall and they may have info of any expats e.g, societies, clubs, groups etc

Moving is out, really. We only just bought this house (and it is lovely.)

I'll try to look up if there are expat groups... I have joined a few FB groups and put a general "hey anyone round here and fancy coffee?" Type thing but no one is near.

I want to be back in Edinburgh where old ladies spoke to me on the bus!

If you´re working for an International company you´d think there´d be other expats employed there.... Yes exhaust all options and research like a Boss!

I´m guessing you moved to where you are for your husband´s work? Well imagine how bereft you´d be if you didn´t even have work?? You would´ve been in meltdown by now! At least you get some adult contact there I guess.

Good luck with your search and let me know if you have any luck

I'm on maternity leave so not at work just now....

OP, we had the same with neighbours. I thought we would be eventually inviting to bbqs, chatting or at least saying hei. They were very taken aback when I acknowledged them. And really seemed to despise it. In the end it was the kids who became best friends at kindergarden, then kept on just sneaking out to visit each other (they were 3 or 4, we lived upstairs and the neighbours downstairs). The parents HATED that they had to come and knock to get their DS back. I secretly blessed him for being so friendly. Your DS will definately make friends. Kids have not have the bad cultural habits of their parents.
By the time the kids learn to be standoffish with strangers, when they are 10 or older, your DS will have his friends for life.

Gosh, so sorry to hear the natives aren't friendly, it must be hard. I know I was surprised how rude Norweigians came across, but when you got to know them they were generally ok if a bit abrupt!
What I would suggest, thinking outside the box, is you join couchsurfing or air b and b -ing or something similar.
If you join as a host you will meet people who want to come stay with you, it will be good for your self confidence as they will see you as an "insider", you may make some money and you will definitely meet some interesting , open people and probably make some good friends ( I know I did). You will also have the opportunity to meet and socialise with other hosts in the area (there are bound to be some ) who are bound to be less standoffish than the locals you have met so far...
If you don't have room to host you can offer to show people around, again an opportunity to meet interesting people.
Good luck!

I always imagine that people, from whatever country, who have this unfriendly, cold, Xenophobic attitude towards foreigners, mustn´t have ever travelled abroad. Or at least not to a significant degree. Cos it just boggles my mind that people can be so frigging hostile to another human being, somebody that is clearly a stranger in a strange land and uncertain of the country and culture, yet there´s just nothin in the way of being warm and welcoming and being happy to showcase to a foreigner the delights of their beloved country and customs....

It just astounds me that these idiots even exist and get through life with such an insular and unpleasent character. With an ¨If you´re different to me I don´t like you¨ attitude without even trying to engage with a person from abroad. Are they all inbred or something?