Constraints of Court Order V's Child Attending Agreed Day Trip

[mummytippy]

I've popped back on here as on Saturday (06.02) my ds has an activity trip which was agreed at Court he could attend. It is my ds's weekend for contact with his dad (orginally it wasn't and was my weekend with my ds, hence the fact I had said my ds could attend the trip). Usually and as per the court order, I take my ds to his dad on alternate Friday eves. There is a distance between us which equates to an approx 2 hour drive. As my ds is to leave on his activity trip on Sat at 8am here, I don't see how it is practical to take him to his dads on Friday eve (2 hr drive) for his dad to then have to return him Sat am (a further trip back 2 hrs) to catch a coach at 8am. The trip is to a destination approx 2 hrs away too so potentially my ds would spend approx 6-7 hours travelling within a 12 hour period and that's just to get to the trip destination. He would also have to get up at around 5.30am on the Sat in order to get back to my area.
My plan is to take my ds to his dad on Sat eve when he arrives back from his activity trip (meeting him at the coach stop) meaning his dad would just return him Sunday eve as usual but the finer details of the day (logistics) were not arranged.

It was agreed at Court in December our ds could attend this trip (as originally it was my weekend for contact). Since then his father has not asked about any of the details of the finer points for the trip (although he knows about it from it being agreed at court and it's marked on the schedule we have identical copies of). To me this indicates he has no intention of ensuring our ds makes the trip.

I genuinely believe that if I drop my ds off on Friday eve, his father will not bother to drive to my area on Sat am for 8am and my ds will miss his trip which he's extremely excited about.

I was going to email him this eve to tell him I propose to drop our ds off on Saturday once he's arrived back from him trip as agreed (although the finer points were not/have not yet been agreed). I was going to do this to mainly ensure my ds goes on the trip as he is expecting to and as was agreed and also so that his travelling time is minimised.

Any thoughts on this from anyone... and how to potentially word the email to my ex would be very welcome. Thank you in advance.

I'd just avoid getting into another round of texts and emails discussing that you will proceed like that!
Just do it.
If he rings you, always let it go to voicemail.
Then if it's urgent, text back.
If not urgent, reply by email.

Don't "set rules" with him, because he'll be an arsehole! Just follow them.

How old is your son?
I know it's a fine line not using him as a pawn. My child is 7, and I could definitely say "don't forget to tell daddy that you have x trip next time you're with him".

You can't make him take your child in his trips - but I expect he's more likely to step up when his son tells him what he wants, than you!

Good luck, it sounds such an awful situation. And so fucking pointless of your dick of an XH to make it so!

Precisely Cab and thank you :-)

My ds is 9 (but young for his age), he would not remember to mention any trips to his dad and also is slightly afraid to ask. He got a laptop for Xmas (off his dad) and has a basic email set up so I suggested he send details of things direct to his dad (with me overseeing arrangements).

The last thing I want is a barrage of texts from him and his GF. It was like something off Jeremy Kyle yesterday evening. Life's too short!

With regard to the impending birth... I shall await the contact deadline of midday as to whether or not my ds is having contact this weekend or not. It's too late to change that arrangement now. It's frustrating as I am reasonable and what I need to learn is, you cannot reason with the unreasonable!!! For the reasons you have said! >

If you are going to speak to him at all on the phone, download a free call recorder and make sure it's activated for all of his calls.

Thanks... Do you know of a specific one please?

So midday notification time to me has now passed, so based on me saying let me know by that time or if I don't hear I'm going to keep ds here I hope it's safe to get on with the weekend now?!!!

Laying odds you'll hear from him later in the day saying you've got it wrong somehow (unless they're actually busy having the baby!) - but yes def get on and have a nice weekend.

Ha ha Catkind... Thank you

I've got odds on that too! And I can hardly refuse can I! Otherwise I single handedly will have spoiled their happy event! There has to be a word for predictable drivvle like this!

Just had a call from him. Obv continuing to ignore the email/text only for contact... Have text him to say I've had a missed call. VM said baby not here yet so lets stick to the plan... not confirming the plan!

As I hadn't heard by midday... (and had added a bit of time on to be fair) incase at the hosp - not having the baby means ds was to stay with me as they may have to whip off to hosp any moment and ds be stranded.

Here I go for more attempted shananigans!

No reply to my text asking what did he want! Games, Games and more games!!! I guess a test to see if I got the VM?!

After reading all that I am confused.

Just keep the emails short and unambiguous.

Do not answer the phone, do not engage in conversation.

Too many words and too many alternative suggestions/plans. It just encourages him to wind you up.

Don't ask him what he wants. He doesn't need to state the plan, you both know the plan. Don't allow him to be ambiguous.
Email or text back: "OK, agree we stick to the plan that if I don't hear from you by 12:00, I can assume he's staying with me this weekend, and make plans".

If you're EOW, I would probably add "if you don't email otherwise, I'll assume that we reset the EOW and he's now with you next week. Of course if baby not arrived still, I'm happy to be flexible about next weekend too."

Get into a habit of never asking him what the plan is, and never asking him to confirm anything back.

Thank you for your comments.

Well my ds had a fab day on his trip, I've never seen him so tired! He was falling asleep on the way home!

I didn't and haven't heard back from my ex after he left the ambiguous VM, and he did not reply to my text. As I felt him not replying to my text was a test to see if I'd got the VM (and without wanting to repeat myself - I have instructed him email or text only and also told him I don't always get VMs immediately (as I don't)) I sent him a short email an hour later.

In the email I confirmed I'd had a missed call, I'd text and not heard and then had received his VM. I basically re-iterated the VM and that ''sticking to the plan'' meant I was o keep my ds here at his request as per Friday's email. I just felt I had to do that because he had not replied to my text and it felt like a situation which could backfire as I supposedly had not gor the VM! All this to try and have him conform to my comunication rules.

As far a next weekend goes my ds is scheduled to be with me as it is HT and we've got a weekend away booked as we alternate the HTs...
If the baby is born between now and then I'm happy for him to come and collect our ds during the week for a visit and even a day off school. It was my ex (knowing the baby was due mid Feb) who specified the split of the school holidays and they are detailed on the court order.

You sound lile you are making this far more complicated than it needs to be.

Stop texting at all. In fact change your number so he has to email only. Surely you both have email on your phones so emergency communication wont be affected.
Keep all messages to the point.

Thanks CalleighDoodle

My mobile is used so my ds can have phone contact with my ex so I can't do anything like that.

Had a fun day with my ds. I had him call his dad this evening.
No sign of the baby... somehow it feels like it was an excuse all along because of his aversion to driving and probably didn't feel it was worth it as he'd only see him today then have to return him home.

Now to decide what to do when the baby does arrive and they contact me as my ds isn't scheduled to see his dad now until the last weekend in Feb.