Is this Ok?

[SpeckledFrog2014]

I've never really been in this position beforeas I've done it all first. I got married at the age of 23, had my first baby at 24 and a few months before I turn 26 I will have my next (third, he's a rainbow baby) baby. So done everything pretty young. I quit my job six months into maternity leave as I pretty much realised my old life wasn't for me, which does make money tighter, but life better.

Anyway that's a little background to the last couple of years of my life. The current situation is that a really good friend of mine is getting married and it's going to cost us a lot to attend the wedding which is fine. However, we simply cannot afford the hen party as her sister has arranged a non- commutable weekend away with not many pregnant woman friendly activities and I refuse to stay away from my daughter overnight, so would have to bring my husband and daughter, book a different hotel for us and find them something nice to do for one day. Basically going to cost loads.

So I have decided to tell the truth that we can't afford it and I instead want to send a posh hamper with alcohol and food and flowers I will make up and give to her sister to give to my friend as this will cost us less and I hope makes her know we are thinking about her and want her to have a good time. Do you think this is ok? All the other ladies going do not have children and I know when I didn't I didn't get the motives of mothers so I know what some would be thinking. Do you think a nice gift hamper would reduce some of the moaning about me basically? To top it off I was meant to be a bridesmaid although I did say we were trying again and I'll be 30 weeks at the wedding (the baby we lost was due five days after the wedding).

Sorry for the long post

I would say that if it is a really good friend getting married that she would understand that you would currently find it very difficult to attend a hen party that is quite a distance away, especially if many activities are not 'pregnant friendly' and you wouldn't be able to partake in them anyway.

What I would suggest is if you could have your own 'mini hen' thing a bit closer to home, perhaps a pregnancy friendly spa afternoon or a nice lunch out or getting your nails done. Something where you get to spend a little time with your friend but will not take you away from your daughter overnight.

As for moaning from anyone else, it is only your friend that matters, not any of the others.

On the cost basis, YANBU. And the hamper is a lovely idea.

Why do you refuse to spend a night away from your DD? I presume DD is your first child you refer to? Why wouldn't she be OK left with her dad?

I don't think you need to buy her anything, though it would be nice to take her out for a meal a few days later to hear all about it. Hen nights if you're the only sober one would be a nightmare!

Thanks everyone!

I have a Velcro baby who screams if I'm not visible, I've had to come home before after 20 minutes as she was inconsolable. I will not let her cry in out, not my chosen way of parenting and selfishly I just don't want to not see her. We also cosleep which is going to be awkward for my husband as she doesn't sleep properly next to him. If you're wondering.

I think you're being very polite so I wouldn't worry too much, especially since you're being honest. I'm sure your friend, as well as all the ladies in attendance, will not mind since you have a perfectly valid reason.

I don't think you should buy the hamper for the express purpose of preventing her moaning. If that's the only reason, come up with something else more personable!

I don't think you need to buy a hamper.
Just have a bottle of bubbles put in the room for when your friend arrives.
That should do it.
Money is tight so don't go spending loads so people won't 'moan' about you.
Who gives a flying fuck what people think?
You have your reasons for not going and they are all very good reason so don't feel guilty.

What a well thought out compromise. However, I really don't think you need to go to that much trouble

I'd explain my reason for not going clearly - and that's a lovely thing to do, I'd do that, otherwise I'd feel bad for not going, you say she is a good friend so she will be disappointed you are not going to the Hen, at least an explanation and a nice hamper should ensure she's happy enough with your non attendance.

I've never used this phrase, but suddenly it seems perfect:

Haterz gonna hate.

Basically, anyone who is going to mins would moan anyway. And who wants to buy favour anyway? The hamper is a nice thought, but it's totally unnecessary. Save your money and use it towards the costs of attending the wedding, or a wedding gift.

Thanks everyone