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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Want to murder my husband at this moment,spoilt my day

21 replies

SilentTerror · 25/12/2006 20:33

Everything fine until an hour ago,then DH was giving baby her inhalers.These are new to her so obv she fought and scratched.He dumped her iin her room screaming,obviously terrified,then because I intervened and hugged her and gave her a bottle he stormed out in his fast car(Usual reaction to any problems,unless shouts and swears).Came back after an hour,ignored me completely and gone back in garage again.I feel really really pissed off that his bad temper and control freak nature have spoilt Christmas Day,particularly as I nearly died last Christmas during emergency caesarian(no exaggeration)and am anti depressants still coming to terms with it.Sorry for rant,but bloody men!!

OP posts:

7swansaswimmingup · 25/12/2006 20:44

oh gawd,poor you.can you put your feet up now and have a glass of wine?

Original poster

SilentTerror · 25/12/2006 20:50

Have done that!!Just wish he would have come in and actually said something,even if it wasn't nice(!!)than this ridiculous sulky silence.Always think he is like this because feels guilty,but is incapable of saying sorry.Thanks for thinking of me!!

OP posts:

7swansaswimmingup · 25/12/2006 20:52

i bet he does feel guilty, i have to say im one for ignoring when i now im wrongi never used to be like it, only in the last few years.

put on a mrs santa short outfit and sidle up next to him and pucker up(when youve had another glass ofcourse). hopefully he'll laugh and think your raving mad

Simplyred · 25/12/2006 21:01

I think many people are very good at doing the exact opposite to what they feel inside. Rather than saying 'it was awful last year when I nearly lost you and how grateful I am' they remember the fear and terror and act like children.

Original poster

SilentTerror · 25/12/2006 21:40

Thanks ladies! Alternate between wanting to kill him or say to myself'stupid fool,not spoiling my evening'.I mean,it would make such a mess!Seriously,I am pissed off with him and want to storm out myself but can't be arsed!Just so annoyed that this happens again,today.

OP posts:

controlfreakyturkeyandstuffing · 25/12/2006 21:43

silly arse..... but you do ned to find a way of communicating with each other..... but for now i'd have another glass of wine and ignore him back....

3Ddonut · 25/12/2006 21:44

Thinking of you, my dh is moody too, it's no fun. Have you tried talking to him about it, when he's in a better frame of mind? Do you think he's depressed too? My dh is usually worse when he's feeling uptight.

fridascruffs · 25/12/2006 21:48

My DP did more or less the same thing, picked a fight on Saturday and we barely spoke yesterday. I didn't bother to make the food I'd bought for Christmas dinner today because I'd lost the mood, though I'd been looking forward to Christmas for weeks (I had pasta and pesto sauce for Christmas dinner with DS).

I really tried to deflect the aggression, told him I really didn't want to fight, let's just have a nice Christmas and a leek that's rotted in the fridge (yup) is not that important, but he wouldn't let it drop, and got so insulting that he got his fight in the end. He had a face like a smacked arse on DS's birthday back in June, too. Something about these occasions makes him want to sabotage them.

3Ddonut · 25/12/2006 21:50

Loss of control? In the situation sense? Rather than the bladder sense! hehehehe! Sorry.

lulumama · 25/12/2006 21:56

silentterror..if you had a really traumatic birth, you might want to contac the

birth trauma association

to get some help dealing with that expereince..

i;m sorry you have had a horrible day, and that your DH gets some help with his temper x

Original poster

SilentTerror · 25/12/2006 21:58

Controlfreakery,you are right,we should communicate,but it is always me who makes the first move,even when I am not in the wrong,and to be honest I cannot be bothered at this moment.Went to GP the other day for more antidepressants,when he asked me about my marriage I cried,even though on the surface we are ok,four lovely children,plenty of money,no worries.Told my DH and he wasn't very happy,said he knew it would be his fault!(my depression) but he is GP also so knows these questions are asked! He finds emotion hard,and retreats.

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3Ddonut · 25/12/2006 22:00

He is a GP? Sorry, but they are often the last to see their own probs... It must have been traumatic for him too....sorry that you have to go through this.

controlfreakyturkeyandstuffing · 25/12/2006 22:02

oh st, sorry you are having hard time.... the stress oh "having" to enjoy yourself on big occassions does bring out the worst in a lot of people.... christmas in particular stirs up lot of "stuff" for lots of people.... hope things get better soon

Original poster

SilentTerror · 25/12/2006 22:05

3Ddonut you are right.It was hard for him,he really thought I was going to die.I remember the first thing he said was' i thought I had lost you'with tears running down his face.He can be wonderful but he does lose his temper with the children and I hate that.Not in a physical sense,but it has certainly affected their relationship with him,particularly the elder two who are 16 and 11.I do think that being unable to communicate with him emotionally makes my depression worse,as does trying to keep things calm at home.
Thanks again ladies.

OP posts:

3Ddonut · 25/12/2006 22:16

There's always someone here if you feel you need to 'offload' again, sorry that you're going through this, it's crappy.

Original poster

SilentTerror · 25/12/2006 22:21

Thanks Donut.Just deciding whether to go upstairs(he is in the bedroom) or avoid him.Feel stupid just typing that;don't want to face my husband of all these years!

OP posts:

wethreebobkings · 26/12/2006 04:28

dh has packed a sad because I showed him how the new BBQ tongs worked. So I can imagine how much worse your dh has been.

Original poster

SilentTerror · 26/12/2006 09:33

God ,the male pride Wethree!! My DH still not said a word,but brought me cup of tea in bed and sidled up to me in bed to cuddle me.His version of an apology I think.

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Judy1234 · 26/12/2006 10:14

That's a good sign. My ex husband used to get very cross with the children and me. It's one of the nicest things about being divorced now, not being subject to all that.

Monkeytrousers · 26/12/2006 10:46

Oh it's so hard when the baby is upset.

Just have a chat about it, try to have game plans for moments like that when you are both going to be out of your heads with stres with baby screaming, plan how you can work together and if it all goes to pot (as it will sometimes) immediatly forgive eachother and give each other a hug for getting through it.

Honestly, it's such a hard time working it out - try to support each other and work together.

Monkeytrousers · 26/12/2006 11:00

I don't want to be unsupportive but this sentence rang alarm bells for me

"...I do think that being unable to communicate with him emotionally makes my depression worse.."

I have had PND and know how hard it is, but really, you cant ever blame your partner for having it or making it worse (as long as they aren't being abusive). That really is a terrible slippery slope.

Don't forget that the people around those with depression effectibvly become carers - a job they never asked for and that a lot begin to resent. That is a valid emotion, and has to be accepted. You are the only one responsible for your mental health - the depression itself makes you look at people differently, less charitably, but you have to fight it.

Believe the people around you are doing the best they can but are only human - just like you - and they are suffering too.

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