Can you stay married but live apart?

[choosyfloosy]

Just wondering if this might work. The only precedent I can think of is Woody Allen and Mia Farrow (and they weren't married) which is not encouraging.

Dh spent 23 difficult hours at my mum's house before heading back home to spend Christmas alone. And that's quite sensible tbh because he sounds loads brighter having some reliable peace and quiet, and dependable sleep, and me not giving him a hard time.

I think we could just about swing it financially. I think ds would miss his daddy horribly at key moments (so would I) but I just wonder if anyone has tried this from a relationship pov.

Have a feeling I'm going to get a lot of 'don't do it' messages (if any!) and I can see why. Thanks for reading.

you mean as is called in my country a"lat" relation, living apart together, not that unusual?

If both he & you would prefer it...then why not?

If you were each happy - would your DS not be happy

Can you get a flat very close or could you swing a self contained granny flat in your house? That might be OK?

what would you get out of this arrangement? does dh have a history of stress/depression such that you feel he needs more peace and quiet?

Yes, mts. He has a serious mental illness (not bipolar but quite like it) with periods of being well, periods of being depressed and periods of just plain weirdness. recently he went off meds for a couple of months and ended up going missing for five days - at least part of the reason was him feeling trapped - and at least part of that was just finding the chaos of family life, esp any version with me in it, too much.

I would get out of it some reliable time on my own, generally some space, without which I think I will also end up on medication. He currently only wants to do two things - 1. tell me long anecdotes of 30 years ago, he seems to be living in the past and 2. talk about the Gospels - he is converting to Christianity. I can stand this up to a point because I love him but I desperately need to be able to have a bit of p&q/reading time without having to escape to the loo.

He is a good dad in a lot of ways btw, although our versions of parenting are different and at least part of this is me wanting to impose my own version without conflict!

tbh, i think you do some space. i recently lived apart from my dh for medical reasons, he was in hospital being treated for 16months. We are still married, and i'll be honest, its hard getting used to being apart, and harder when he did come back home finally. i assume this is a long term in the furure illness and not one that is going to 'go away' easily if at all. You need support yourself and breathing space. beign a carer for a operson who is ill is very hard especially if you are the sole carer and also have young children to care for as well. we are 'lucky' in a way as i do get a few hours each day to get out and get away from the caring situation, and i know this is harder for carers of mentally ill partners.

good luck to you all.

the obvious question that has just hit me - have you mentioned the idea at all to DH? Just wondering whether he would he feel rejected or relieved if he isn't already aware of your ideas.

I'm a bit conflicted on this one - on the one hand as you present it it sounds like you would both get advantages to it - on the other hand part of his illness sounds to be unable to cope with the day to day strains of every day life - so would this arrangement really benefit him and his recovery in the long run. And that's of course without mulling the effect it will have on DS. Also of course the risk of one or both of you feeling so comfortable with the new arrangements that a permanent split happens. I'm also wondering a bit as to how far you really are the problem, or whether it's your dh projecting on to you.

it's positive you are considering staying married...and finding a way, albeit an 'unconventional' way....to stay married..and to make sure you and your kids get the best of each other....

a lot of relationships survive, even thrive when one partner is away a lot, say for work reasons, or one partner is in prison, the armed forces, whatever it may be......so relationships can survive when you don't live together..

TBH if he is going to drive you crazy with his behaviour, plus the added worry he could disappear at a moments notice...it might be preferable you have space to both work things out

it might work, it might not.but you are looking at ways to make it work and that is a good thing.

I think there's nothing wrong with that idea at all. I think marriage is what works for you (both). I don't live apart from dh, but our marriage is maybe peculiar and, in retrospect, was probably a mistake. I was miserable for ages, and we used to row a lot until we decided to minimize contact with each other. We do a bit as a "family" but mostly he takes the kids, or I take the kids, and he works long hours, and I'm out a lot for work, so the evenings when he's in, I'm out and vice versa, though we have some nights a week together. Financially it doesn't make sense for us to live apart, but we have done from time to time, for short stretches. And now we get on great. We almost never row. We're friends. He gives me whatever freedom I need and vice versa. We haven't caused huge upheaval for the kids; we're not involved in an ugly divorce; we're friends; we're happy enough for now. The "distance" (albeit not geographical) has been helpful for us.

I can see why you're thinking about it and I remember your previous threads a few weeks ago. It's not conventional, no, but I can see that it could be good for him and for you and ultimately ds. You'd be providing a very stable day in day out home for ds; dh could come and see him when he is feeling good. When he isn't, he can have his quiet time away so that he doesn't prolong the not being well phase iyswim. I think more people could do with this sort of arrangement but cost and saving face prevents them from living apart. I do hope it works out for you all. Are there support groups who are linked to the disorder your dh has?

My dp / ex is bipolar and we live apart - the ambiguity about whether he is my dp or not is part of the illness and his mood swings, he can't decide whether I'm the best thing that ever happened to him or an evil cow who's trying to ruin his life.

It's kind of worked for us, although dd going between us hasn't been ideal from my point of view. I think after two years of living apart in an on/off sort of way we'll probably split up, and maybe the living apart has protracted this, but it has also given me space for myself instead of feeling constantly worried that I'm going to do something to set him off on one of his rages, and I have been able to tell him to go away when I feel he's being abusive. It is better for dd not to have to be around our conflict and ultimately I think now that it looks like we will split, although I'm sad, it's not as traumatic as it would have been if I hadn't had this space to sort out my own life.

Other things I've found difficult are how we do see each other - it creates a certain stress having to visit the other person, and as my house is nicer than his (and he doesn't have much food etc in) and this is dd's main home, it's felt like he should come here more, but then he's felt like his house isn't his home so I've had to make more of an effort. Also, he is rubbish at being at home on his own, so he's been going out doing a lot of heavy drinking when we're not together - although in some ways that's better than arguments about whether or not it's reasonable for him to go out heavy drinking twice a week!

This has been a bit rambly - in the end, I don't think I get enough from this relationship to want to continue in it - it's all about his needs - but at least I know I've given it my best shot and there's nothing more I could have done - and the living separately has been part of this.

Very belated but just wanted to thank all of you for your posts.

I came back to see dh today (am still staying at my mum's) and he has been thinking along the same lines, strangely, although more for a place for him to go and do his work during the day - however, we both think it would be good for it to be a room or a small flat rather than an office.

I do think there is a strong likelihood that, having decided to live fully apart, we would end up splitting, so a more tentative arrangement would be a stronger statement to each other that we do want to be together. it also avoids disrupting ds's networks of friends, childcare etc (and my job - but who cares about the jobs of mums eh ). But it's a relief to find us both simultaneously acknowledging a problem and at least partly agreeing on the solution.